Sira ka Talaga! :)

anokaya

is it possible to be heartbroken, even if you're not in a relationship?

* * * * * * * * *

personally, i think i'm just torturing myself.

playing with what-ifs. imagining how i'd tell him (if i would). imagining how he'd tell me (if there's anything to tell).

but obviously it's not that easy.

the timing would have to be just right. perfect even.

the flame (if it's mutual) has to be kept alive. stoked for 2 months.

unless some miracle of fate (or connived circumstance) brings us together before then.

we'd have to be alone. he'd have to swear to secrecy, if i were to confess. either way, one of us must brave rejection and be completely vulnerable, for a couple of seconds, which will seem like eternity.

no matter what happens, our lives will change forever.

it could be the end to all hugs. to arm-linkages and back-rubs.

it could be the end of playful teasing. of comfortability and ease of conversation.

but it could be the start of something great. and powerful. and magical.

it could be the end of my uncertainties. my lingering doubt. my confusion.

... and then i remember, that these are all just taking place in my head.

that these conversations, these encounters which i mull over and plan out in advance might never even happen. that these are thoughts of us, conceived without his knowledge. without his permission. without his willingness and/or explicit desire.

and i wonder, what the fuck i am doing?

why am i hurting myself?

and the answer hits me.

because accepting with resigned finality the impossibility of your dreams, the ones you cling to and live for, hurts more than entertaining empty possibilities.

-_-

damn you. damn you if you misled me, and are misleading me. even if you didn't mean to. damn you for making me wish for more. damn you for never texting, for not being online when i am, for not missing me as badly as i do you. damn you for being oblivious to the way i feel. i'm sure you've got an inkling. hell, the people around us know, why shouldn't you. you've caught my sidelong glances. i caught you, too. you feel the warmth when we embrace, i know you do. so f--- you! because i miss you. so bad. and i think i'm slowly falling. in. love. with. you.

anokaya

i'm in deep shit.

and this time it's not because of crushies, or foregone assignments... this time it's the real thing.

to console myself, i made a list of problems that teenagers my age go through everyday. problems that i'm thankful i don't have right now. problems that would make me prefer my current mess.

here's a list of problems i'm thankful i DON'T have: 

1. not knowing whether i'd have something to eat the next day.

2. wondering how i'd tell my parents that i'm pregnant. 

3. failing a subject and being delayed a whole year.

4. loved ones dying.

5. owing hundreds of thousands of pesos due to unwise gambling.

of course, this is still a big problem. my neck and my reputation are still on the line. i'm guessing people will be talking about me behind my back for a couple of weeks. my team will be disappointed in me. i might be ostracized, worst case scenario.

at which point, i can always decide to up and walk away. or be strong, remain strong, and stay.

either way, there is a reason why this is happening to me. it's God's plan. and I trust him. Something good will come out of this. I just hope getting to the good part is not as disastrous as it is in my head.

anokaya

you're right.

our minds are trained to think of worst-case-scenarios. 

reality is kinder than we'd expect,

or so i hope. *cross-fingers*

+ + + + +

you're right about another thing as well.

it's harder to let go without CLOSURE. 

and i found mine.

because of a book, like the one we read at powerbooks.

i've been getting it all wrong. 

and my bruised ego can't take any more punches. 

pining away after some guy, perfect as he still seems, is not worth it after all. i'm glad i now know. remind me when i forget.

+ + + + +

THANK YOU HARRIS.

anokaya

now i can breathe easy. thank you to everyone (especially to my mom, tito fort, harris, vic, ice, yves, glenn & the whole lasalle-claret debate society) for all of your help. whew. i can't possibly describe the relief i feel right now.

everything always works out in the end.

or so i hope.

=================================================

highlights of my weekend 

*dlsu made it to the finals of jpes. i am extremely proud of dlsu-a's performance. 

*hanging out with vic and jonats. watching sky-high and eating chocolate eclairs. yum-yum. must-do-this-again-soon.

*seeing my highschool friends again. I miss!

=================================================

tomorrow, school starts. bummer. 

anokaya

Tomorrow is judgment day.

Or at least, judgment day #1. 

3 rounds and 76s. Or else. 

I'm not confident I'll make the cut, given the new grade requirement. But I'm determined to try. If my performance for the past few debates were to count, I'm out of the team-ups. So help me God. 

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My schedule for this term sucks. All afternoon classes, yes. But tiring nonetheless. I would've preferred an 8-6 TTH schedule, than a MTWThF one. -_-. Add to that Orient2 and Community Service (RELSTRI), plus Debsoc training, and my social life's gone.

Bleh. As if I ever had one.

Teachers and subjects are great though.

WOMEPOL - Women & Politics with Dr. Hofer.

PHILPER - Philosophy of Persons with Lualhati.

RELSTRI - Religion Three with Rev. Jared.

POLECOS - with Sir Pedro, one of my most favorite profs ever (even if he's scary)

SEMIREL - Seminar on International Relations (specifically International Law) with Atty. Gascon (looking forward to his class the most)

POLECOL - Political Ecology (formerly ENVIPOL) with CLA Dean Dr. Contreras.

A lot of what I'll learn this sem are applicable in debate, so it'll be like hitting two birds with one stone (oh, my love for cliches -_-`). In fact, for Philper & Relstri, we'll even have classroom debates as activities (or substitutes for quizzes). As for SEMIREL, it's like one whole sem of matterloading. I can't go wrong with that.

Now if I can only discipline myself to attend all of these classes religiously. -_-. And to do all of my homeworks & readings. I'm sure it'll be a great sem. 

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I just realized, I really do prefer tab more than LJ. But anyway.

72-55, ANIMO LASALLE! 

anokaya

I'm so proud of myself! I started doing my paper 2 days in advance!

That and I'm trying my best to make it interesting and in-depth. Yey.

These are rare bursts of uhm. responsibility from me.

I'm still not satisfied, however, since I tasked myself to finish this by last night.

No matter. Just as long as it gets done before deadline.

I'm so excited for this term!

 -------------------------------------

kaka has pups na! bo, anwar, mig, suzie and marty! weee! can't wait for them to get a little bigger. anyway, gotta go do my paper again.

try-outs will continue later and all through-out the week. 

my performance last saturday ranged from great to horrendous. -_- i hope i didn't get a 74 or below. (although i probably did). blehhhhhh. must research + do better. bye. 

anokaya

Your heart lurches forward in anticipation--you think you're making progress.

You start planning again: how you will tell him. The perfect time, the perfect place, the perfect line. He thinks women should be more straightforward, and that's exactly what you're doing.

And you smile with inner glee, excited and anxiously waiting for the next opportunity.

Then gravity takes hold of your soaring spirits. Reality sinks in.

A nagging voice warns, He's not that into you.

He hasn't been responding to your messages. He hasn't included you in any of his plans.

He hasn't even asked you out, even with all of the hints you've been dropping.

And while he might sincerely enjoy your company, it doesn't prove that he likes you the same way.

He's just not that into you.

Or is he? -- I still hope against hope that there's a chance.

My intuition tells me there's more to this than meets the eye (and mind)...

+ + + + + + + +  

The pain of explicit rejection might be easier to bear than the agony of uncertainty and in-betweens. Dare I risk it?

anokaya

I had two important realizations today.

1. There really is no reason for me to assume.

2. This whole "love/like" issue shouldn't bog me down this much.

The first dawned on me while I was helping a friend solve a "love" dilemma. This girl obviously likes her, but he doesn't feel the same way. He's worried he's sending the wrong signals. And yes, from a girl's perspective (including mine) he was. They hung out with each other a lot, would sit real close to each other, and separate themselves from the group. They'd talk about mushy stuff, personal issues, while looking up at the stars. I guess for guys  (like my friend) that's no big deal. For girls (like me), however, those are moments you cherish and dream about still, weeks after. And in the end, we girls end up assuming, and waiting for a move, a sign, while the guys are thinking "how do I let her down easy?"

-_- tough luck.

I feel for the girl, I really really do. If only I can knock some sense into her.

If only I can knock some sense into myself. 

The second realization came soon after.

No matter how great HE is, I shouldn't let issues with him get me down.

Because I'm pretty f---in great as well. And damn him if he doesn't see that (can you feel the spite?)

Yeah, he's intelligent. charming. funny. a great conversationalist. cute (debatable).

But I am too (feeling). to some people. to myself (to my mom).

And while being a martyr and pining away for some guy has its perks (it provides entertainment and distraction after all), it also wears my self-esteem down. And I'm sick and tired of it.

So from here on out, I've decided. Yes, I still like him. Yes, I might still tell him how I feel, if and when I feel like it. But no, I will no longer busy myself with thoughts of him, how he's doing, and if he feels the same way. That's just stupid. As if it matters that much, in the grander scheme of things.

So there, here I go to start a new life. guns ablaze. I hope the fire of renewed self-respect keeps on burning. Maybe then, who knows... it just might set things right. 

anokaya

404 Page Not Found.

This could have happened for several reasons:

1. The page may be extinct, like many whales, chimpanzees, and gorillas in the wild could be without your help.

2. The page may have moved, like many Pacific Islanders will have to do when their homes sink beneath the waves due to global warming.

3. You may have made a mistake typing the address, or we made a mistake creating a link. Mistakes happen. Chernobyl and Bhopal should have taught us that they can have devastating consequences, which is why releasing inadequately tested genetically engineered crops into nature is stupid and dangerous.

4. Our web server may be malfunctioning. This happens to large complicated technical systems often, which is why the Star Wars missile defense system will never work and shouldn't be deployed.

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This just made me smile.   If only other activists and groups were this witty, they'll catch more attention and support.

For more greenpeace, please visit their website at http://www.greenpeace.org