Sira ka Talaga! :)

i have a sore-eye.

yeap. God was nice enough not to have both my eyes infected, although my uncle says it's just a matter of time.

I'm now typing this entry with my sore-eye closed. I don't know what to do with it. hehe.

Can anyone who's had sore-eyes before give me tips? on how not to infect other people, on how to get it cured fast, on how to not infect the other eye??

but mostly, please, give me advice on what I can do while my eye is healing (today's the first day. rawr). I can't imagine not being able to watch tv, nor go online, nor read a book, nor write. what the hell will I do?!

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got to fulfill one of my dreams the other day... was able to go "on air" at an AM radio. of course, my real dream was to be a dj, but as for now, i'm happy with that experience. it was weird, really, talking to invisible people and trying to calm yourself down in front of that big microphone. I guess i'm not cut-out to be a dj. wah. hehe. that was fun though. fun,fun,fun.

*btw, it was just my mom's radio program that I was on. hehe.

** oh, and yeah, all I did was greet my fellow Lasallian debaters! mwahaha. and the Debate Mare at Pare staff. I love them.

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I want to write a script. or a book. I really do. I want something published. asdjfhgld. When I get rich, I'll publish my own book, even if its rubbish.

Oh yeah, on a totally unrelated matter, please watch Farenheit 9/11. It's hilarious. Bush is hilarious. and it might also make you go uh-oh. hehe. I'm being malabo but i dont care! Go kerry!

just yesterday, my internet-explorer refused to open. awhile ago, my netscape navigator started conking out. now, thanks to kilawinguwak, i have a new browserrrr! FIRE FOXX! i hope this one won't let me down. especially since i have lots of time to kill, with my sore-eyes and all. hehe.

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im trying to improve the way I live my life, one step at a time.

I've identified 3 priorities that I must focus on:
* academics
* debate
* personal happiness

Notice that lovelife isn't one of those priorities. hehe. if the time comes, that will be under personal happiness but recently, i've just realized, it's more of a downer than an upper.

As for my acads, I hope to be in the dean's list once again. My target: at least 2 4.0s and no grade lower than 3. that of course depends on my teachers' generosity. and to some level, my hardwork. hehe. i plan to finish my papers well before midterms, and i plan to make my papers incisive and thought-provoking. God help me. hehe.

Debate, i have my plans as well. I've made my own training regimen for myself, but I haven't been able to complete my self-assigned tasks for today. yet (at least). Finished reading an article, will still have to dissect it later. Will do all other stuff hopefully before I retire to bed tonight. I have to. I want to. I want it bad enough. Grawr.

Personal happiness includes finally dieting. If I don't get toned before I'm 24, Ana says i'll end up flabby when I get old. I don't want to be flabby. Hence, weight wars. the battle of the bulge. And besides, I'd like to look good for the Worlds. lots of hot debaters yeeeeeha. hehe joke lang (but its true mwahehe)

hopefully this makes me more disciplined. or that i'll make myself more disciplined to attain all this. rawr. im confusing everyone including myself. subtract points for clarity. *groan*

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chatting with my cousin An is always the best. i loveya cuz! hope u feel better soon! I wonder why migraines and knee-aches always has to plague our family.. hehehe *hugz* GEORGEWBUSH!

Been doing nothing but laze around for the past 3 days. I should be studying for tomorrow's quizzes, but I don't even know if it's okay for me to go to school yet tomorrow. I wonder how one will know if the sore-eyes are no longer infectious? they still look pretty icky to me (and yet it doesn't really hurt anymore or anything. right eye's still a bit itchy though...)

Anyway, am a happy girl today. watched the Cheney vs. Edwards debate awhile ago, and while some would declare Cheney the winner (based on instant responses), I still think Edwards did a pretty good job at keeping him at bay, and even put him and the Republicans on the defensive sometimes. While I was surfing awhile ago (the US elections has got me hooked, i dunno why), I was able to check out the site that dick cheney kept on referring to. The factcheck.com site? Apparently he gave the wrong URL, 'coz factcheck.com actually links to George Soros' site, with the title "Why we must not re-elect President Bush". The Democrats should thank him for the extra publicity, mwahehe.

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For those who keep on teasing me to the assholic ex-crush, please stop it. hehehe. He's still cute but I DO NOT LIKE HIM. Anymore. Seriously.

He called me up last night and it was one of the most annoying conversations I've had to suffer through. It was right next to my boring conversation with the dude who explained me almost every part of a car (including mags), even after I gave him the hint that I didn't know much about cars. I guess to him that meant I'd like for him to teach me. go figure. asdjfghdl.

Anyway, it started out pretty good enough. he gave me an update on the stuff i missed in school. asked me (kind of rudely, i might add) if he could borrow my xerox copy of that book, banishing bureaucracy. but then later on, engages in yet another debate with me, and then, in exasperation tells me that one day he'll shoot me (just like that picture of the vietcong? guy) and that I'll beg for his mercy, and he'll laugh and I'll lend him my xerox copy with no complaint.

talk about a complete moron.

it was so bad I had to bargain for a hang-up. i wanted to slam the phone on him, i really did. but then that might get me into another fight with him and frankly i dont want to fight just yet.

so i had to endure 7 minutes more.

and he timed it. i really don't know why he likes asking for 7/5 minute extensions. what difference does it make?! nothing intelligent comes out *from him* anyway. hehe.

i'm mean.

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I envyyyyy kaxxx. hehehe i love you sis. but i envy youuu. that ish sho shweet what you hab ryt now. hehe. of course, you're not jumping to conclusions. but can I please jump for you?

p.s. I think I've seen that dude. ill call/txt you one of these days. hehehe. labsyu.

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I dont understand myself.

Here's the thing. I don't want to have a crush anymore because whenever I do, I end up first giddy, then crazy, then depressed. I just have a habit of getting too close, or wanting too much, that i set myself up for disappointment. Now, I know I've been totally idealistic and optimistic up to now (like my whole usual speech of how admirable it is to risk, and how noble it is to abandon self preservation) but come onnnn. it gets tiring after awhile. i'm frankly just too exhausted. *as I'm sure you are too, having heard this from me too many times*

In the last year, I've had at least 4 major crushes, meaning I fell head over heels for 4 different guys (at least, that's what I recall from my last count, mwahaha).

I've written poems about them, some songs. I've found ways to go out with them, even willing to drive them home (no matter how far that home is, even if its in alabang or paranaque). I've carved pencils, bought indigenous musical instruments, made cards. Gah! But it still hasn't resorted to anything. good. for. me.

Either I broke their hearts, or they broke mine. Or I snapped out of it and realized I didn't really like them. Or I really, really liked them, but they obviously just saw me as a sister. or a friend. blehhhh.

But yeah, maybe the timing's just not right. If I weren't single right now, and had a lovelife to worry about, then I wouldn't be able to train every night, nor would I be able to laze around on the computer all day, surfing for Kerry/Edwards updates.

Nor would I be able to save for the upcoming worlds. Nor would I have enough time for my studies, or for myself. (from what I remember from last year. mwahaha)

Maybe love/like is over-rated.

Or maybe that's just what lonely people say to comfort themselves.

Nevertheless, philosophizing doesn't really take away reality. It just distracts you from it. ... so maybe I should do this more often. hehe. kidding

okayyyy back to doing more productive things!

As I was blogcruising awhile ago, I came across a question that, if answered, would help me formulate my "blog-philosophy". But before I tell you what question that is, i'll first define to you what a "blog-philosophy" (for me) is. hehe.

Just as Philosophy tries to frame a particular way of life, or a particular way way of thinking, I feel that blog-philosophy is the set of guiding principles as to what you can and are willing to divulge in your particular blog. Hehe. Sounds simple enough, isn't it? Well, it isn't. at least, not for me it isn't.

I've had many sleepless nights, worrying about who might be reading my journal, and just what they might be thinking about me after reading it. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to go back online and erase some of my posts, and dreaded reading the responses I get, fearing the worst. Of course, maybe Im just paranoid, or crazy...in fact, i probably am... but that doesn't take away from the fact that I need to formulate my blog-philosophy, so that I can sleep at night in peace.

So the Question is: Why the hell do I have a blog in the first place? What are my reasons? Of course, JP (Eternal Circle) put it much more eloquently in his recent post, Lost heaven. But then again, I was never eloquent. no need for me to pretend now. hehe.

I love having a blog because I love sharing my ideas. I love sharing what's going on in my life. To my friends. To people I don't get to text with much often, or hang-out with as much as I'd like to. To people whom I might not know, but know the exact same thing I'm going through. I also like the time and opportunity it gives me to assess what's been going on in my life. To give it a new spin. To take a breather and reflect.

I love blogging because it allows me to look back and read my own words, see remnants of my old self and realize how much I've grown since then.

Unfortunately, written diaries don't do that. They have a higher possibility of being read than your housemaid, than by your intended audience: your friends. It also doesnt allow for much needed outside input (for realitychecks and what-have-you). Plus, for some weird reason, I ALWAYS happen to lose my real diaries. grawr. hence, the online one.

So, having re-analyzed the reasons for my blogging, i've concluded: its perfectly ok for me to feel embarassed about some of my ideas, or about some of my feelings and thoughts being on parade. Its okay that I regret some of the things I've posted, or some of the things I've said. It's the same as in the real life. There are always things that I'll be embarassed about, that I'll regret, that I'll lose sleep over. That's a small price to pay for having an outlet for my ideas. For having the free exchange of ideas that sometimes occur when I post one of my more intelligible posts (i.e., non-crushie, non-update stories), however rare that might be. I guess I'm pretty fine the way it is. Rawr.

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Having resolved that small, absurd dilemma, let me unravel a new one.

I think I'm bipolar.

Or crazy to say the least.

I'll have to do more research on that though...

If any of you have seen my depression/anxiety attacks, you'll know what I'm talking about.

But I'm in no mood to self-diagnose. not just yet. hehehe. for now, ill just worry about my current predicament: sore-eyes! Visine here I come!

I miss having a band.

Of course, we weren't great. but the experience rocked.

I miss my bandmates.

I miss making music.

Bleh. Nostalgia.

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Farenheit 9/11's theme song is haunting me. It keeps on playing over and over in my head. HeEeELP!

I've been keeping to my diet for 3 days! hurrayyy!

unfortunately, my personal debate training regimen hasn't been rigorously followed. im 2 cases and around 5 factsheets shy from my goal. *groan*

i've also finished arundhati roy's novel, but i haven't yet started on my outline. i've got to finish that tomorrow if i'm to fulfill the goals that i've set for myself.

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sometimes i feel like such a failure. like i've let myself and sometimes even other people down. and it fills me with guilt. and i want to run away and forget and just move on to my next big project.

there was tahanang mapagpala, which, after a year and a half of pure devotion, i abandoned (for personal reasons, but still no excuse).

then, there was my band. which never even got to recording.

then, the bands I managed. which I wasn't able to handle well (but I did try... and I still want to try...)

then, of course, my flopped productions. like the endless noisilencios that didn't have people attending it. and Batang K, and the bandfests.

then now, i feel like i'm dropping the ball on debate.

personally, i think i'm doing fine. i'm reading up on things, i'm building cases, i'm constantly thinking about ways to improve...

but there's another aspect i can't talk about right now, one that's beyond me, that has been bugging me for the past few days/weeks.

i just don't feel i'm there yet.

i don't think i'm ready.

and that's a dangerous feeling to have when you're being counted on.

*sigh*

i hope this is one thing i will not fail. or at least run away from.

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thinking of ways to earn money, show me how!

i have nothing important to say, so be prepared for a lot of nonsense.

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i wore a shawl for a skirt awhile ago. i tied it up and pinned it to keep it from "revealing" stuff (of course, if you know me real well, you knew i had shorts underneath). twas a bad idea. a flopped fashion experiment for estelle, but a courageous one. hurray for me.

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im typing anything that comes to my mind as I wait for my research to print. if i'm getting impatient just waiting for 11 pages to finish, imagine how impatient i'll feel reading this and trying to understand it. i'm not the most industrious person in the world.



anyway, don't watch open waters. unless you want to see lots of shots of empty sea. i guess you can say that its entertainment value lies not within the film itself, but in the number of jokes and commentaries you'll make about the stupidity of the film. if you'd like to watch sharks, better make it shark's tale instead.

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Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||| 42% Schizoid |||||||||| 38% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 66% Antisocial |||||||||||||| 54% Borderline |||||||||||| 50% Histrionic |||||||||||||| 58% Narcissistic |||||||||||||| 58% Avoidant |||||||||||| 42% Dependent |||||||||||||||| 66% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||| 42%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

hmmm....

i wonder how crazy I am, really...

and how much i've improved since i last took this test.

i remember being way histrionic before.

hmmm....

lemme scan my older entries.

stolen from kilawinguwak with minor changes

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?


11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?


16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.

18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

32. Are you going to put this on your tabulas and see what I say about you?

I know i shouldn't be reading too much into things... but this text msg made me feel all warm and fuzzy:

"Ei..I'm gud..Tnx nga pla 4 being sweet and entertaining.. "

Maybe I'm just happy and surprised with the expression of appreciation. I'm sure anyone would be, no matter who sent the message or what the circumstances were. But the fact that he's both interesting and intelligent, combined now with his show of sensitivity, makes me have a slight crush on him. hehehe.

Here I go again...

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I wonder where the rude tags came from...

i'm nervous for the nationals.

somehow, i don't feel that what i'm doing is good enough.

:/

or that i'm good enough, for that matter.

rawwwwwr. dammit.

i can't go to the nationals feeling like this.

asjdgdhsldkfgh.

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joey pang's team might go to dlsivs! yeeaaah!

...sudden moodswings like this makes me think i'm bipolar. bleh.

Nationals officially started yesterday.

There were no debate rounds yet, except for a sample debate which I happened to be a part of.

It was my first time to go on-stage and debate with a microphone, in front of a large, attentive audience (it was for an adj test, they were required to listen). What was weird though, was I was initially more scared of debating with a microphone than debating in front of all those people. I was scared that my voice, which is already loud, would be further amplified and would deafen the hell out of all the people. I was also scared about my case (I was in OG, with this nice girl from Silliman University), scared that ill humiliate the lasallian tradition, that i ended up breaking down right before I got to the stage. Good thing Brian and TL were really supportive. wahh.

Anyway, sample debate went okay. Aside from my long list of mishaps (using "madame speaker" and then switching to "mister speaker" since I didn't know where the adjes were... being so unsure as to say "I don't know the name of that brand" and hazarding a guess... major fumbles bleh), I felt that I did a good job of getting myself together. And I wasn't too loud, even with the mic, thank God!

As for the adj test, only Evelyn passed it with flying colors. The rest made the wrong decisions, but they'll be given a seminar again on monday, before rounds start.

New controversy though: the group prep. Institutions are now allowed to consult each other during the 15-minute preptime. I don't know what the decision was at the end of the day, w/n it will be allowed... but... either way, it will take a whole lot of getting used to.

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Totally unrelated to yesterday's events, but still related to debate.

This is weird, but I dreamt of ShiYan (that singaporean dude that I had a slight crush on back in asians). Such a vivid dream, felt real. Supposedly, I went to Singapore to have dinner with him, without telling my mom. I was having fun until I realized that I had no idea where I'm going to get the money to fly back to manila. I knew I could ask my mom for money to go home, but then she wouldn't allow me to the Malaysian Worlds, when I really badly wanted to go. So I ended up contemplating calling my dad.

Hehehe. So weird. I haven't even thought of ShiYan for the longest time, except maybe for thinking of inviting him & the rest of SPC to the DLSIVS. Maybe I should go and do that now so that I won't be having any more of these weird dreams (the gall of going to singapore with no money *que horror*)

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Speaking of former crushes, saw some of them yesterday at the nationals. mwahaha. They're not superbly cute, but I did like them before. one more reason to look forward to tomorrow (start of the tournament) yeeeeah!