Sira ka Talaga! :)

failed in 2 subjects.

that's okay, i thought i was failing 4. now the hard part is telling my mom...

maybe I can talk to my teacher and ask him if he can change my grade... then again, i deserved to fail his subject. i hardly attended it.

+++

im too lazy to move my ass off of this chair.

3 of my friends are celebrating their birthdays today, and one of them is celebrating it in laguna.

my other friend is my driver, and he unfortunately has to drive me all the way to laguna on his birthday.

if only i'm not one of her 18 candles, i'd probably opt not to go. i hate keeping my driver in when it's his fucking birthday. what do i do?

++++

im hoping my whole depression mode is over. now that i know my grades, hehe...

i just feel so sucky and lousy right now. can't write. bye.

im so lazy and tired and sleepy

but i know these feelings are just effects of eating too much, probably, hopefully

ive been eating non-stop for the past week or so. food for comfort, which ends up making me feel worse.

the film supersize me made me see that im not the only one who feels this way, and that there might be another possible explanation other than me being crazy

i suddenly loathe myself.

anyway, that's just for now hopefully.

rawrawrawr.

i need some bananas.

I think my brain is officially fried.

I just spent two hours coming up with the appropriate explanation for 3 so-so arguments.

I just spent 5 or so minutes, writing and re-writing the sentence above, trying to capture with clarity what I really wanted to express.

(There I go again, muddling what I mean by creating uber-long sentences.)

I think I'm addicted to commas. It's my written crutch.

I'm sorry if I'm not making sense to most of you. I usually don't make sense to myself either. Hehehe. It's just that I want to get better.

I feel like I'm improving, gradually.

And then there's the occasional relapse, clinging onto the adrenaline rush like a security blanket, not even understanding what the hell I'm saying. Relying on the loudness of my voice to convey my message, hoping the adjudicator would hear the panicked voices in my head.

rawr. hehehe.

this week I didn't skip practice. Monday to Saturday, I went. Today's a Sunday and here I am, doing debate exercises. I'm working myself up into a frenzy.

I want to get better, I do, I do. I want to overcome myself. I want to be as good as T.L. and Brian and Steph. I want to win. And win decisively. I'm tired of losing, I'm tired of the same old comments.

I wonder how others got to be so good? How hard do you have to work to get better?

++++++++++++++++++++++

My life's a story of frustration. Frustrated poet. Frustrated writer. Frustrated artist. Frustrated musician. Frustrated manager. Frustrated student. Now a frustrated debater. Hehe. Fortunately, frustration can be fun sometimes hehe.

+++++

I have to get a life. Hehehe. MISS YOU KATZZZZZ, loved having you as a partner again last saturday.

will go play with my dogs now, and maybe catch some shut-eye.

I got this from Nico's blog Thanks Nico!

10 Random Things About Me
1. I'm left-handed.
2. I separate my cereal from the milk (i hate it when the cereal gets soggy).
3. It takes me an hour and a half usually to get ready for school.
4. I'm afraid of salesladies.
5. I can't help my tardiness.
6. I come from a political family.
7. I'm a hopeless romantic.
8. I believe in fate and destiny.
9. Sometimes I feel like a poseur (in some areas of my life).
10. I'm a proud lasallian, I'm a proud debater.

9 Places I've Visited
1. Athens, Greece (Parthenon, Parnassos, etc)
2. Cambridge, Massachussetts
3. Bangkok, Thailand
4. Singapore
5. Europa Park, Germany
6. Geneva, Switzerland
7. Washington DC, Maine, California
8. Hongkong (before it became a part of china)
9. Johore Bahru, Malaysia (next stop: KL!)

8 Things I want to do before I die
1. Figure out life and be happy.
2. Be true to myself.
3. Conquer my fears.
4. Find that special someone.
5. Change the world, one person at a time.
6. Leave a lasting mark.
7. Write a book, have it published. Or get a recording contract.
8. Win a championship.

7 Ways to win my heart
1. Love me sincerely and make me feel it.
2. Understand me and accept me for who I am.
3. Compliment me from time to time, but make sure it's sincere. (I can tell if a person is lying. Grrr.)
4. Show me some effort.
5. Be persistent.
6. Be creative. Surprise me.
7. Be interesting for crying out loud. hehehe. You could be all those things but if you can't keep me awake, patay. Even if you're hot, you simply wouldn't do. hehe.

6 Things I Believe In
1. Fate and destiny
2. love
3. miracles
4. friendship
5. God
6. the human spirit

5 Things I'm afraid of
1. pain
2. loneliness
3. humiliation
4. failure
5. rejection

4 Of my Favorite Items in my bedroom
1. the bed
2. my painting
3. the tv set
4. framed pictures

3 Things I do everyday
1. take a bath.
2. eat, breathe, sleep.
3. daydream, think, daydream, think

2 Things I am trying not to do right now
1. eat some more.
2. get stressed.

1 Person I want to strangle
1. can't think of anyone really.

as of now i'm 1000+ pesos poorer.

BUT.

I got a free dinner, a free box of donuts and a P1,500 gift certificate in Rustan's.

I can now buy an item or two from Rustan's guiltlessly (I hate spending more than 300 on an item. but since i have a gift cert... hehehe).

I am guilty, however, of spending 700++ on used books. Not that I didn't think that it was a good investment... it's just. 700. I've been saving for so long. wahh.

Oh well. money's gone money will come back! hehe.

Other highlights of my day:

*** walking around in Robinsons Ermita wearing pink, furry bathroom slippers. -- got tired of wearing heels, so much so that I had to buy furry slippers and wear it on the spot. was embarassed at first, but later on figured that it was my adventure for the day.

*** being inside a real boardroom -- really posh. scared me at first, but then I also felt like I belonged. hmmm. hehehe.

*** conversations with Gabby, Mark, and kuya Pao -- really loved talking to those guys... coolness

*** seeing Tita Ugi again

*** going inside Philam life's bathroom -- they had cottonbuds and lotion for free asdjfghdl!

*** going online and being able to speak to Marco again.. miss that dude!

++++

yesterday was the anniversary of my singledom. just felt like i had to say it. hehehe. didn't hurt, after all. in fact, i almost forgot to write about it. but it has to be remembered. how far i've gone since then. coolness!

i remember though of plans foregone. how he was contemplating to go to DLSU after graduation (he just graduated a few months ago) and study polsci (the same course as I am in). how he was looking forward to living closer (since he was moving to a condo near taft), and how we were already planning to make his place our new hang-out. how.. ewan. hehehe.

but those days are long gone. in fact, can't even remember him much anymore. i can't picture his face exactly in my head, features have gotten blurry. all i can remember, is the reflection of light on the frames of his eyeglasses as he drives. fragments of his smile. the permanent "goosebumps" on his forearm (skin asthma/chickenskin, i forget which). his irregular breathing as he talks. ewan. hehe. weird weird weird.

its like piecing together a puzzle. or reconstructing a dream. it just doesn't seem real. anymore, at least.

so maybe i have moved on. maybe yesterday marked a fresh new start.

++++

by the way guys, i've just run out of load. please be patient. hehe. tenchu!