Sira ka Talaga! :)

for some odd reason, Cambio's "DV" has been stuck in my head for days.

and the sad part is, whenever I sing "Divisoria, divisoria, divisoria, divisoria" (I don't know the lyrics of the rest of the song), no one can relate. They ask me why I want to go to divisoria so bad, or they ask "what the hell are you singing?!"

It's either I'm that bad a singer, or nobody really watches myx/mtv anymore (it's being heavily played)

++++

bought an Eraserheads anthology CD, a steal at 2 discs for 280 bucks. nice banyo music, I must say. hehe. and by banyo, I mean shower-music, and yeah, i do sing (and yell out songs) while bathing.

the bathroom is a conducive place for creativity.

i don't know why I even had to mention this. *grumble*.

++++

i'm just so tired, thinking about everything I have to do, and everything I should be doing.

if anyone's wondering why I haven't been going online lately, it's because I don't have the time and the energy anymore...

and I know that some can say that that's impossible, that there's always time, time can be made--but to that I say, yes, but it comes at a price, and that price is losing much needed time for yourself.

I'd like to have a day where i can just laze around at home for one whole day without thinking about anything else except relaxation and enjoyment. but that's not possible. especially if you're committed to something. and that's what I'd like to be. committed. to debating. but it's so darn fucking hard.

it's just now that I realized (yes, I'm that slow) that debating isn't 100% fun. it entails A LOT of sacrifices, which for some odd reason, I never felt as "sacrifices" before. Maybe it's because I only started getting serious at the beginning of this year. Or maybe it's because, the initial excitement of joining tournaments or being in the debate team has wound down, and all that's left is the enormous responsibility, but whatever the case, i'm definitely feeling the pressure, and i'm definitely feeling the stress.

have lots of readings to catch up on. lots of articles that i have to push myself to finish and comprehend and internalize and apply. administrative work to do, which i really haven't been doing. asdfkjghdl. communes to teach... with less than two weeks more to freshers cup. RAWWWWR.

plus my schoolwork, which definitely has been slipping. plus... asdkfjghdl. my other orgs. asdfkjghdl. plus my social life. hehe. i really want to watch cinemanila films plus rivermaya. and barbie's cradle (KAKOI!). and radioactive sago project (astro... astro cigarettes!)

asdfkghdlsh. dum-dee-doo. need a backrub, right nowwwww! need to read these U.N. stuff. excuse me while I ponder.

La Vita E Bella. Life Is beautiful. Maganda ang buhay.

Am writing an outline on it as I speak (or, more appropriately, write). It's for our "group"work in filipino. Nyeah, what am I whining about, I volunteered to do all the work. hehe. better labor for it than be unsure about the quality and then do one as back-up anyway.

asdfjghdl.

I hope my groupmates don't kill me for this. hehe. I doubt they're on tab anyway.

++++

As I was saying... Life is Beautiful.

Life is beautiful even with all the pain. In fact, Life is beautiful BECAUSE of pain and misfortune. Without their existence, life would simply be mundane. No need for joy and euphoria people, because life's smoothsailing, no standards for comparison. Tsk.

Although it is sad that our standards are real people with real lives and real emotions. how lucky are we that we didn't get those abusive parents, or we didn't lose all our money in gambling. how lucky truly we are, until we realize that it could easily have been us sharing that fate.

I'm rambling, I really don't know what I'm talking about.

All I know is I am in a bit of a pain. Hehe.

This is the sucky part, because even if I feel hurt, I also think it is absurd for me to still be feeling this way right now.

It's been 10 months already ASDFJGH#)@#$*%&! almost a year!!!! and still he's tugging at my heartstrings.

and he's not even cute.

and we weren't even compatible.

and yet i still like/love him. i think. no, i feel.

and when we talk, it seems, we never were.

he's with someone new.

and he loves her.

and I can't find anyone else,

but him.

and even if I had the whole world to love,

and the whole world to love me back,

it could never be in that same way.

and it hurts that i'm the only one still thinking about this

everyone has moved on, and everyone, including me

thought that I had moved on

but then all I need is a single thought

to trigger all my emotions again.

GRAR!!!!! IM SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED.

but so fucking happy as well.


that i'm hurting.

that i'm not numb.

that contrary to whatever people might say, true love exists

and it existed for me, even for just awhile.

that no matter how he looks like, no matter how long we haven't

been together or seen each other or talked with one another

a part of me still cares. and not because I want to. no. but simply

because I do.



and it's beautiful.

the pain is beautiful.

the uncertainty is beautiful.

the uncontrollability of it all, is beautiful.

it's as if my heart has a mind of its own, a will of its own...

and i long for the day that I'll feel this exact same way for someone else again.

+++

i wonder how people fall in love.

hehehe.

i wonder how I did.

weird.

i wonder how it feels like to be pretty?

if anyone's wondering about the context of my previous post, hehe.. I wrote it after watching mean girls. they're so hot (i'm no lesbian, but lindsay and that dumb blonde -not regina george-... makes me green with envy)! rawrdasdfkghdl.

to add to my frustrations, my clothes are shrinking (hehehe!). I'm literally expanding. Wore sweatpants to school kanina because yeah im gaining wait (like regina). but that's okay. i liked my get-up anyway. hehe.

+++

moving on and moving forward

flushed the obssession out of my system by spending the P50 bucks he gave me. hehe. I was keeping it secretly just in case things happen. but i thought, what the heck, just spend it. it's not worth the wait (or is it? hehe!).

+++

things are looking up. i'm living life and loving it. I've got great friends, on tab and in the real world... i've got an "interes" (jp, u know what this means hehe)... i've got great dogs and great parents (uh-oh, not in order of importance hehehe). asdfjghdl. everything's just "peachy-keen" :D except of course, my grades. hehe. i've got to start CONSISTENTLY attending all my classes. i wouldn't want my first 0.0 this term.

0.0 oddly looks like tweety bird.

+++

oh yeah. boraya = new term coined for "boring pero masaya".

sucky, ain't it?

as i spend more and more time in tabulas, it gets harder and harder to find relevant titles.

thus "stat status". im absent for stat101. again. it's already 9 a.m. and I'm still in Pasig. My teacher will be in the 4th floor of the miguel building by 9:20. Dear Lord I hope I pass this subject still.

+++

working on a few of my "props" later for claret training. hehe. yeah. I have props. I like pretending I'm a teacher. hehe. but yeah, I don't know if this will work. Last meeting's seatwork/homework was a flop--only one guy submitted his homework and it wasn't even on time. I don't even know if the guys who went last meeting will still go again later, but I don't care. hehe. at least, I like thinking I don't. of course I do. hehe.

it's just hard. hehe. you're still trying to learn something, and yet at the same time you're trying to teach it. T.L. told me that's how she got better, when she was motivated to improve and learn more so that she can teach the craft, pero yeah. its hard. i just hope i can do this. its just really fun right now, but of course, again, this isn't just about fun. hehe. it's also a responsibility, and i can't allow myself to fail. no no no.

+++

exhibition debate this morning at csb. topic is william hung. i don't know shit. hehehe. but it's fun though. debate with csb is always fun. i miss them so much. nyak. what am i saying, i was just with them last night hehehe. but you can never have too much time with friends. mas lalo pa with family (which is what they are to me).

+++

might go out with him tonight. yeah. we're planning to catch a movie after claret. doesn't matter which one. but i'm also thinking of cancelling. wawa ted, he always has to go home late because of me and my mis-adventures. hehe. oh well. we'll see. :D

+++

fitness first takes a rest! yeahhhh.

skipped a movie with him again tonight. but at least i was still able to see him. hot. he's so hot. hehe. and he said i got him all worked up daw to watch a movie. dang. sayang. i promised i'll make it up to him. we'll watch a movie next week and i wont let anything stop that from happening. hehe.

asdfjghdl.

will go tomorrow to batanggas with a few friends. excited, yes. anxious as well. i'm not quite sure i'll totally fit in 100%. but i'm willing to try. hehe. worse comes to worse i make debate cases when i'm o.p. hehe. rawr. debate haunts me in my dreams.

crosstrained with CSA awhile ago. they were nice. it was an experience. i was so shy. some of the kids have been debating longer than me, and by virtue of me being in college I get to sit on the chair already. hehe. scary. im too shy. i really dont feel like i deserve to even be trained to train claret (sorry if that was confusing) but as long as i still have the chance and the blessing, i'll still keep on trying. wah. for some weird reason, i've fallen in love with the damn team. hehe. not with any specific person of course. i just enjoy spending my time with them. so much so that i didn't mind skipping 2 movies with *ahem-Ahem*. hehe. was even contemplating skipping batanggas tomorrow so they could go with me adj in SMMCDS (or whatever) but yeah. decided not to. i need time alone.

bye. i really ahve to sleep. 5 a.m. tomorrow, have to leave.

++++

i wanna see myself singing on mtv. hehe. well. not really. i'll cringe. but. yeah. i still wanna see. hehe. hope i catch it one of these days. rawr. oh yeah. now i know who's been watching mtv. hehe. rawr. i fumbled. im sleepy. bye!

batanggas was great. i love csb. won 2 games of scrabble and 1 game of UNO (streak!). i totally ignored the beach, but it was a nice view to look at whilst you reminisce and daydream. :D learned a lot of juicy secrets from observing the truth or dare mayhem (yeap, i didn't join. i hid behind the other ppl hehehe). saw some people drunk, met new people, bonded. all in all a great experience not regretting i went there at all.

+++

debate's becoming my life.

and I don't mind.

Debate and laziness. hehehe.

Schoolwork's slipping, lovelife's not moving at all.

Blehhh.

Good thing is, even though I have no lovelife

I love life in spite of it.

Mainly 'coz of debate

I sound like a debate-geek but maybe I am. I'm not as industrious as I could be... I mean, I don't spend a lot of my time reading up on different topics and researching...

but I do spend a lot of my time thinking about debate-related things and hanging out with debate-related people.

and it helps that debaters are not only intellectually stimulating, but are a sight to behold too.

lots of hot guys (and girls) in the debate society, i must say. looks and brains. and personality. perfection. yey.

im not making sense.

+++

my ex already has a gf.
and a guy i used to like now likes someone else.
and the guy i enjoy spending time with
is so darn inconsistent.
i can't tell if there's a chance of him liking me.
or not.

and sometimes i just want to give up
the search

but i cant.

how come the world gets more complicated the more you get older?
I never imagined a problem can nag you this bad.
***
booyah.