Sira ka Talaga! :)

We'll be on this show called breakfast tomorrow morning, call time is at 7:30 a.m. I don't know what we'll be doing there, aside from it being debate related (the invitation was given to the DLSU Debate Society), and the uncertainty is unsettling. Ateneo is supposedly going to be there; I don't know about other schools. If I understood Nissy's text correctly, Eric C. and I are the 2 representatives for La Salle. Brrr. Scary prospect. I trust Eric C. (he's the epitome of wisdom and manly poise--if there is such a term) It's me I don't trust. Bummer, what happened to all my leo confidence and pride?

Lately I've been secondguessing myself a lot. It's been depressing actually. From scrutinizing my pathetic, teenybopper (crushfilled) entries, to being ubra-conscious about my grammatical mistakes and even doubting my capacity for growth and change (I feel like I'm regressing), I'm seriously starting to hate myself a bit. I miss the old Estelle, who was far from perfection but completely fine with it. The new one just sucks. Low confidence = stuttering = rambling = deciding not to speak at all. Faulty parallelism. Bad.

Hayayay.

You musn't get disheartened estelle (yey, I'm giving myself a pep talk. How sane am I?). It's good that you're losing confidence, makes it easier for you to see your flaws and change them. Contentment leads to complacency, which later on leads to stagnation. Your goal must be progress. Work hard. Don't lose sight of that goal. Stop sitting on your butt and get moving.

Speaking of laziness, I still haven't finished my 2 speeches. In fact, haven't even finished the 1st one yet.

Now I'm down in the dumps again. Why oh why estelle are you so irresponsible and lazy? asdkfjghsldkfgh. pep talks don't matter now.

yeeeea.

I was late. hehe.

Picked up Eric C. at starbucks katipunan at around 7:38, got to breakfast at around 8. Good thing Kuya Roy and Ate Alex were already there. :D Honestly thought I was going to join Eric C. ('coz they motioned for us to go in front while the camera wasn't pointed our way) but the team was already complete, and so I just watched from the sidelines, later being joined by T.L. and Denise. At first I was itching to answer the radical argumentations of Team A (defending the side that the youth should not vote this coming elections), but later on was very thankful to have been spared from the barbell-raising action (poor kuya roy, became debsoc's superhero in no time). Can't believe it was a tie though. Probably breakfast's way of being 'politically correct'. Why you'd like to be polite and yet have a competition at the same time beats me though. I'm sure it's a no-brainer that someone had to lose. bleh.

Ryan Agoncillo wasn't that hot, same with Erning. The coffee they drink in the show tastes bad. The people clapping in the audience? Just the crew. And no, there aren't that many people texting in. Well, not awhile ago anyway. hehehe. It was a cool experience though. It was in the very same studio wherein we watched Parokya ni Edgar and Cheese perform for Myx. First time I met kuya Kerwin. First time I rode MRT. Fun times. But a whole different story though.

+++++

Glad to know that I'm not completely infatuated with the ass (codename for crush). Was supposed to go to his house today, to teach him guitar, but I figured I'd prioritize my own needs first (I'm kinda tired and sleep deprived), as well as my assignments for debate (popquiz tomorrow).

Speaking of debate, things improved a bit awhile ago. And I'm so overjoyed. :D My first speech was a crappy one, not very convincing and not even very organized. Was the victim of bad method as well as poor argumentation. Improved it the 2nd time around though, although I still need improvement in time management. Didnt get to explain all the arguments I wanted to explain. I need to learn to be more efficient (not only in debate but also in my tab. Groan.)

Money-making schemes are on the go. Will be selling nuskin products, my goodness. Anyone want to buy? Discounted price Send this poor lady to the Asians. She (me) is nice! hehe. and a bit desperate. hay.

++++

I really have no poise. Seriously. Must be why my guy friends see me as one of them. Grarrrr. Although yeah I'm not that cowboy-ish. Yiha!

I'm late and with requirements incomplete. I have not done a thorough research. I am not finished yet with my 2 speeches (which was due yesterday). In fact, I haven't even finished the first.

I am ashamed of myself.

I am sleep-deprived, not because of work, but because of chit-chatting with friends on YM (tried to research, really did... but it's hard to read about Sunnis and Shiites when your friends are buzzing you about their lovelives). Shame, shame. Am a bit proud to have buzzed my ex though. At least we seem like we're on good terms again. No more spark though, just civil conversation. hehe. and yeah, the :D and emoticons are still there. no more "ahihis" though.

Will go to my crush's house later. I gave my word. Let's hope I'm not too tired to teach him guitar. asdkfjgh.

I don't want to leaveeeeeeee yet. I want to sleeeeeeeeeep. But I have to. I've done wrong enough.

I'm still working on my speeches, so nothing much has changed since the last time I logged in. :/ Only now.. yeah. I feel blank. hehe.

I can't remember what's been going on for the past few days, except that we've been training and training hard. We've been criticizing ourselves more often, trying to edit ourselves and our speeches in the process. I'm currently downloading a few articles from the net that might come in handy this afternoon. Katz and I will be training with Brian and Steph, excited. :D

We changed the look of the batcave. It looks much more spacious now, and much more sophisticated. Mico (static) dropped by, didn't know he would be our webpage-saviour. hehehe. Was really worried about having to do the website all by myself, but then here comes katz and her connections to the rescue yeyey! hehe kidding katz n mico thanks though. yeyey.

Looking forward to recruiting freshers for next year. Enjoyed promoting debsoc to them so much (Want to join us to bangkok this may 17-25? Once in a lifetime offer!). Even chatted with incoming froshies awhile ago at #dlsu. Convinced one of them to join debsoc. Yey. 1 recruit = 1 membership fee = more money for worlds. hehehe. kidding. we're a poor society. hehehe.

i love what i'm wearing today. green felt mini skirt. it's so 70s. I feel like I have a 70s couchcover wrapped around me. it was a steal at 33 bucks (3 for 100), good thing it fit.

will buy my mom a gift for mothers day now. buhbye.

haven't posted in such a long time. been really busy the past few days, plus our friggin mouse doesn't make going online appealing. good thing somebody fixed it before we left for thailand, or else i wouldn't have blogged at all. hehe. :D

over-all updates:

* voted for the first time last monday, indelible (?) ink still on my right pointer finger. I felt one with the universe (or at least with the Filipino people), so big and yet so small. My decisions counted, and yet in the bigger scheme of things, they really didn't (voted for lacson, and my vote didn't really make him win hehe). Exhilirating (albeit hot and uncomfortable) experience.

* my tito won for re-election as mayor of hagonoy. my auntie also won as councilor. 2 other uncles of mine lost, surprisingly. the other one was also a re-electionist, and had done lots of things for his district. dang. politics.

* bought a ticket for thailand already, will be leaving on sunday. My ticket cost P12,906.80 pesos, paid the exact amount. Whew. Now my wallet is significantly thinner (I paid using my own savings). I only have 4k left, and I'll be using it to buy certain stuff I need for Bangkok (like cycling shorts. don't ask why. stupid reasons. hehe.) I'm expecting myself to be totally broke by tomorrow.

* enrolled already. 39,642. wow. all the expenses. gee. wow. i'm speechless. i wonder how my mom keeps both of us afloat.

CRUSHIE UPDATES!!!!!

** ahole texted me last sunday and asked me to keep him company at namfrel. lonely daw sya. aww. haha. didn't reply, no load

** ahole called tuesday. i asked our maid to lie and tell him I was already asleep (I was reading a book about international relations and it just got interesting). by the time our maid picked up the phone, he already hung up (dang)

** aljo (former crushie, like 2-3 years ago) texted twice in the past 2 weeks. last week, was to invite me to a drinking party, and this week was to ask me if i wanted to go swimming. wasn't able to go to either, sayang! wanted to invite him to a drive-in movie last night though, but I lost the nerve. mwahaha. I guess I'm not that gutsy after all

OOH. Texted my idols, Rivermaya, last Sunday after seeing Balisong's video. hehe. :D They, with the exception of Kuya Mike, all replied, even mentioning my name, so they all still have my #! yeyeyey! :D i really love them. they're the besssst.

Went to cinemamo last night, the first drive-in movie in the philippines in recent memory :D it was okay, but the movie sucked though. hehe. only a few cars (people) came. As I was going in, I was surprised when a guy from NU called out my name. Si Mark pala! hehe. He teased me saying that I already forgot him. Such a nice guy, and, Francis Brew announced over the speakers, nice and SINGLE! mwahaha. but of course, that's an advertisement for other women. hehe. mark and I aren't really that close yet. so nice when people remember you

less than 10 years ago, I was the class outcast. No one wanted to be friends with me, and everyone was taunting me. Now... I bump into friends from all over! yey! :D That makes me so happy! Friends. yeyeyey.

NDs so sweet. she wants to leave lasalle but she doesnt want to leave me behind. awww awww. okay. have to go shop now. training is in 2 hours.

confusing.

the ass called my house thrice today, and called my cell twice.

and he did all of that, just so I could greet his brother a happy birthday. isn't that weird? hehe.

i mean, he calls up my cell, asks me where I am, asks me what time I'll be home, just so he could give me his landline to greet his brother.

after still being out of the house in an hour, and not having the credit to call his brother through my cell, he calls me up a 2nd time (through cell) just so I could greet his brother. yaiiks. heheh.

call me feeling, but i have only 3 explanations for this:

a. his brother has a crush on me.
b. he has a crush on me.
c. he has a crush on his brother.

hehehe. i mean, why else would he try to contact me thrice at home and twice on my cell, just so I could greet his brother (whom I've never even met) a happy birthday?!

his excuse was, he wanted to have as many people as he can get to greet his brother (sorry if i'm sounding redundant, but i dont want to divulge names here), but dude, if that's the case, why not just mass text everyone with your brother's # on it? and why spend so much time and effort just contacting one person your brother doesn't even know?!

but then again... i might be jumping to conclusions. maybe he asked the girl he was courting to do the exact same thing. or maybe he pestered everyone in his fonebook (jp, did he? hehe). or maybe he likes me a little bit, only he doesn't know it (mwahahaha. joke lang jeyps, shh).

i'm not good at analyzing guys. i should just stop. hehe.

tomorrow, i'll be at ADMUs debate crosstraining. lets pray hot, intellectual men will be in attendance

will watch MHS + Jeepney Joyride afterwards. Hope I have enough time for THAT and for much needed rest looking forward to hanging out with jon and luis though. cool bunch.

steven's hair is hot. he is not. hehe joke lang steven! :D i just love the feel of semical hair. too bad he has "ilag" reflexes. i always enjoy hanging out with you and harris! lab you both! yebah!

Ello :D I'm here at assumption university in Thailand for the 11th all asians debating tournament :D Our standing so far is 3 wins, 2 losses, with three more rounds today to seal our fate (whether we break or not) hehe. I'm sooo nervous.

The school is beautiful though, enough to make the whole trip (it took me not only 300 dollars to get here, but also more than an hours trip from our hotel) worthwhile. I never knew such a university existed. It really looks like a tourist spot more than anything! Their corridors are rumored to be worth 10 million baht each, and it's no wonder because even their walls are marble, and they have columns imported from Rome to boot.

I want to study here. Wah. Well, not really. I want the campus to be brought to Lasalle. I love the Lasallian Community, not ready to give that up.

Anyway. Well. i'm gaining weight with all the free food. Let's just hope my evening gown still fits me later for the breaknight. Please pray that we break tonight... it really depends on our rounds today. Crucial rounds, it is.

Animo Lasalle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Choose life, Choose debate! I love the Lasalle Debate Society

+++

I miss my dogs and my mom surprisingly, now is the only time i thought of *ahem,ahem* asshole. maybe i'm not that infatuated with him after all

thanks for all those who've been texting their support! yeyey!

imagine this: debater, band member, martial artist (karate - green belter), gentleman, Singaporean and family-man all in one!!!! wahhhh. Too bad we'll only see each other during tournaments. Tsk-tsk. Mwahehe. At least I'll have the incentive to save more money for worlds, just to see him, hehe INFATUATION TO THE MAX!

we went to chatuchak + a night market yesterday, spent more than half a day with him (along with lasallian friends of course ) Totally unexpected, because even if he offered to go with us (he gave us his room # to call if we wanted to invite him with us), I decided against it at the very last minute, because I thought it would be awkward, not knowing him that well yet and all. As we were going around MBK though, we accidentally (and luckily) bumped into him. It was the weirdest of all coincidences, since the MBK mall is 6 stories high, and there was a sale going on, so the chances of bumping into him was very low, much less while on your way towards the escalator. Apparently he went to MBK to buy a charger for his cell, and was about to make his way back to the hotel when he bumped into us. Invited him to go to Chatuchak with us out of courtesy, and was surprised and elated when he actually said yes. Yeyey. It was really God's blessing, I tell you.

N-eway, got lost in the chaotic tram-station and ended up meeting Armm (another Thai friend) coincidentally again. It was so weird since he just came from work and was about to board another train when he saw us. We were lucky we were able to catch up with him 'coz otherwise we would only have gone to Chatuchak, which was already closing by the time we got there. He took us to another market instead, a bigger, cleaner, better one near our hotel. Looking forward to going there again actually...

so we went around looking at girl stuff while Shiyen (hot dude) tagged along. We talked about a variety of things, from his taste in music (he doesn't appreciate Missy Elliott but his taste ranges from Classical to Metal) to his family (his dad does yoga, he has a little brother.. etc, etc. ) I even found out that he keeps an online journal! (hopefully not in Tabulas, because he might discover my site). How amazing is that? Wahhh. I really really like him, he has the cutest smile.

Made the mistake of denying vehemently that I had a crush on him though... right in front of him. During the tram-ride, I introduced him to Armm, whose reply was "Eyyy, is he from singapore?? Is he your crush?!?" to which my reply was a pause, a vehement denial, and a biting remark. Wahhhh. there was an uncomfortable silence after that, and I just didn't know what to say. hehehe.

Anyway, after spending most of the evening just chitchatting with him and enjoying his company (we eventually broke off with the group because the others were busy browsing through stuff) I really felt I had to repay the favor. He spent for our taxi ride, he walked around stalls and shops for a grueling 4 hours (that's what you get when you shop with girls) anddddd he made sure we (katz and I) didn't get lost. Really owed him lots, so I bought him a wooden bookmark and gave him a thank you note this morning just wanted to surprise him so I slid it underneath his door (i hope it was the right door at that). i just knew he wouldn't accept payment in cash for the taxi fare

H.D.D. Part 2 (Hot Debater Dude, Vol. 2)

just 2 days ago, I wanted to go online and declare that the dream guy I met in Thailand was just that, a dream. wishful thinking. and while I recognize that all that is true, nothing discounts hope. and courage. and impulse. and fate.

hehe. i'm just playing around with your head guys. seriously, couldn't stop thinking about him yesterday. sounds stupid, I know. Was a bit disappointed when, a day after giving him the letter + bookmark, I received no response. I was further frustrated when he didn't even approach me during cultural night. I tried to swallow the bitter reality that what felt like such a great idea (of surprising him with the note) turned out to be such a flop, reversing the gains of estelle's feminist movement (too much debating does this to you).

but after arriving from championship dinner yesterday, my initial reaction proved wrong. there was a letter for me, under my door. there was a parcel waiting for me at the concierge. wa-hoo! the feeling of relief, excitement, and the filipino feeling of *kilig* washed over me. wahoo. happy days. happy kid. felt hyper already

his letter said, in a nutshell, that:

a. he felt the gesture was sweet (yehey!)

and b. his day out with us was the highlight of his Bangkok trip!

WAHOO!!!!!! Hurray for me!!!! mwahaha. He said he was looking forward to seeing us again, and gave his contacts (msn, icq and email) for keeping in touch. Emailed him already.

Can't wait for the reply (sounds weirdly debate-related. I think I'm suffering from a debating overdose).

++++

Aside from me being sweet, and the guy I like being sweet, my mom has also been very, very sweet.

She asked people from DFA to wait for me at the gate, ensuring my safety arrival. She also asked Tito Rossel to accompany us past immigration, making it easier for me and the rest of the Lasalle contingent. She also introduced me to everyone in her meeting, bringing me to the Yacht Club in Manila (which, I have to say, is a really sucky, smelly but expensive place). And when I got home, she even had 2 bouqets of flowers + a cake + max (my favorite fried chicken) + kimpura + balloons with welcome home estelle printed on it all over the house! wowwww. silk pyjamas (my gift for her from thailand) just isn't enough to compensate.

I love my mommy. I love my life. I love you Lord

++++

School starts tomorrow for me, and started monday for everyone else. Weirdly I don't feel nervous yet about being deblocked, but full impact will be felt soon. Have to get some sleep now. I'm happy to be home

was depressed awhile ago when I realized Shi Yan went online both yesterday and today and still has yet to reply to my email. Was also depressed to read on his online journal that the bangkok trip was crap (and so were the people he met) with no exception whatsoever for the "highlight" of his bkk experience: the lasallian contingent. *sigh* oh well. must have only been the idea of him after all...

in my depression, I texted guys I either liked or were really close to (that included you steven, and jp eternal_circle) in the hope of getting some of them to hang-out with me for the meantime. hehe. with my luck, asshole was the one who called me up, and readily agreed to go watch a movie. that's how we ended up playing at the arcade, going around powerplant, watching troy and going to big sky mind.

it was okay. no shi yan, but had his own charms. definitely becoming more of a gentleman, that's all I can say. opened doors, initially footed the tab (which I of course paid, because I'm a gentle-woman as well. hehe.), offered his cell in contacting jp, etc. etc. Great company as well. We have good argumentations. hehe. well, convinced him finally to give adjudicating a try, so the society will probably see more of him this coming term.

just hope this picks up. i don't want to be more direct, for dignity's sake. i sound too pathetic already. hehe.

im proud, didn't eat much today. just sayote, a bite or two of chicken breast and a burger from brother's. that's it! hurray for me!

not to say that I am conyo, but the only time I commuted in frequency was in Bangkok, and that was because we had no other choice hehe. I figured, if i could do it in a foreign land, why couldn't I in my own?

Of course, taking a cab isn't commuting for most. Taking a cab with your maid is far even less. But for me it was an experience to talk about... wanting to get out of the house and go to school so badly as to disobey the wishes of your mom and go wave down a taxi at the village gate. Worry about getting home later. Bleh Bleh.

In desperation, I txted a few of my close friends to ask them subtlely if they could accompany me in the commute home. To those who received txt msgs asking you up till what time you'll be in school, that was me looking for an mrt buddy. Luckily, assholic crush again replied. Maybe I should change his nickname now or something. He's been my saviour more than a couple of times.

We decided to meet at 6, after his last class ends. Met up with Asha and ND before that time, and decided to skip classes altogether. Watched the day after tomorrow instead. The movie wasn't good. The company, though, was great. I miss those two girls.

The Ass (<-- does that make him sound more respectable? hehe) txted me after the movie, asking me to sit in at his next class. I would've agreed if only I didn't think going to baywalk was a better idea. Told him I'll sit in some other time. Was on our way to baywalk when the rain started pouring down. Headed back to DLSU just in time for our afternoon debsoc meeting.

Met up with the crush (is this better?) after, found out that he bought me an lrt/mrt card already. how sweet. hehe. of course, he bought me one in the interest of saving time, since the lines were uber-long. But still. wee-wee.

The ride was a new experience. The LRT is crammed with people from all walks of life. The MRT was more spacious, more comfy, more interesting. hehe. it was interesting how it didn't matter how little space was available. you somehow find space to squeeze your butt in (i'm talking about the courtesy of people to scoot in and compress even for strangers). I'm talking about couples holding hands and playing naughty games when they thought no one was looking (a girl gave her guy the wedgie. yeeech. that wasn't sweet at all). I'm talking about the girl reading a romance novel in the corner, or the barkada talking animatedly on the other side. Maybe I'm romancing the idea of a train ride too much, but it was simply just a whole new experience, especially when we went underground (hehe. subway-let in the tradition of chicklet).

Got to megamall, treated the crush to dinner. he originally hesitated, but i insisted as payment for the train ride + the effort of actually bringing me to mega (which was past his stop. I think he was supposed to go down at boni). We looked at some rabbits, appreciated the paintings on the 4th floor, and milled around, basically arguing about petty things and engaging in small talk.

After that, walked to Edsa Shang Hotel where I asked my maid to pick me up. After waiting for an hour, sitting at 3 different sofas, going around the garden and even ogling at ourselves in the "hall of mirrors", my maid still wasn't there. and after the crush already waited for me to get in a taxi, and now that i'm home and he's home, my maid's still not here. rarwrersdf. i hope she's not lost. the whole point of her coming to get me was for me not to get lost, not the other way around..

I appreciated the supposed asshole making sure I got home safely. Helping me commute, even if it was out of his way. I appreciated him being concerned about the welfare of my maid, even if he made jokes about the old lady in the lobby being my maid. hehe. I appreciated the gesture of hesitating to be treated out by a girl, but it was my pleasure honestly. It just felt right to return the favor

So since he's been so nice, I think I should change his codename. hehe. Anyone who has ideas? Nothing related to Christmas please. Maybe I should call him the Easter Bunny. Para kumpleto ang cast of holiday characters ko. hehe. Oh well.

+++

expenses for today:

P200 - cab from home to taft + cab fare for my maid to get back to vvi
P95 - day after tomorrow ticket
P65 - movie food + drink
P204 - dinner namin ni crush
P150 - flat rate taxi ride pauwi
P120 - notebook
P25 - contribution taxi from robplace manila to lasalle

... how much does that amount to?

man i spent a lot.

estelle start saving for worlds please. grar.

+++

maid just got home. miscommunication. she was waiting for me at a different side of shangri-la hotel. rawr. remind me not to set big places as meeting places. rawr.