Sira ka Talaga! :)

Listening to a tape of myself debating (i'm going crazy) while typing this right now.

I sound stupid. hehehe. But that's okay. too many "madame speakers"... so many, in fact, that they seem to be punctuation marks, not the addressing phrase that it's supposed to be. hehe.

Moving on, today's another day of yet another tourney--the Lyceum debates. I know for some of you, all this talk about debating is getting boring... but I don't care, it excites me. hehehe

Right now, our record is 3 wins - 1 loss. Our 1 loss was to our top Lasalle team... our 2 wins were over our brother school, CSB (team A & B), and 1 win was attributed to our squabble with SBC A (one of my favorite schools in the debating circuit... coz they're so friendly hehe).

Having only 4 rounds, I do believe we're already assured a spot in the Semi-Finals round. WOO-HOO!

Later, semi-finals.. pretty-scared. CSB A will be there, as well as DLSU A. We'll be fighting amongst ourselves. hehe. I'm predicting that the fourth team in the semis (it's a small tournament but a good one would either be SBC A (juno's team) or CSB B (monita's team). Either way, I'm betting that the semi-finals would be friendly competition.

Please just pray that we at least get past semis. Our teachers want to kill us; we're always away on tournaments but we never bring home any medals (well, not never hehe. but most of the time we come home emptyhanded hehehe!). GAH! haha hope all this work amounts to something..

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One thing I like about tournaments is the people I meet.

Just two days in a tournament and I've already met Argel, Benedict, 2 Ronalds (C and V), Pryma, Gefy, Nikki, Eds, Edcel, Voltaire and a whole bunch of other people from different schools in manila.

One of the people I've met in tourneys of the past was there as well. hehe. I love tourneys coz I get to see him. hehehe. I think he's already noticing that I kind of like him slightly, since I always wish their team good luck and I always greet him on sight.

WEEEEEE. hehe. he's not super cute but I find him interesting... just like most debaters. imagine people you can talk to about a bevy of topics, from F4 (we debated about them once) to CPP-NPA to world politics (not that I know much about this). Just yesterday, I found out that one of the debaters came from NDF (the democratic arm of the CPP-NPA), making him a treasure-cove of matter (information) for that particular debate. hehe. Needless to say, they won, but it was just more than winning... right after the round, I asked him what exactly their goals were...

but I'm not about to write them down for fear of misinterpretation

anyway, point is, I like yet another debater. Wahee!

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Soooo what's new?

---> trying to diet, yo-yoing a bit though.
---> school's suffering a bit from debating. Im pretty scared about this sem's grades
---> I missed online journal-ing, I really did. didn't have pldt vibe for the longest time, gah. but now we have it again, so expect me more often.

---> I LOVE LIFE!!!!! yeahh! I love debate Choose life, Choose debate! ANIMO!

UPDATES ON:

Lyceum Debates - our team did get into the semifinals... against DLSU A (our current president, our future president and the president of econorg/future team captain). needless to say, we lost... but im happy to report that it was a close fight accdg. to the adj. A compliment, I would say, for a team of two freshers and a junior

my team battled with CSB B for 3rd place... unfortunately, i wasnt there with them... I was late by a few minutes. Too bad, I believe we had a chance. Im not saying that I wouldve won it for the team... NO. It's just, our DPM was forced to be LO, and a rebuttal speaker was fielded in for the DPM spot. hehe. who cares though, twas a close fight neway, 2-1 vote.

Semifinals is okay.

My team is also a semifinalist in the Lasalle Debate Open, a debate for lasallians (csb and main) only. I had two newbies under my wing, and they did pretty well... usually reaching 7th minute. I am excited to find out if they'll stay in the debate society.

Battles for semifinals n finals will take place this week. team Bomya, an all newbie team, will be there as well as B.I.T.C.H squad (beautiful, intelligent, tender, caring, helluva-women squad) and Betlogs (an all beda team. apparently they used to call themselves betlogs in beda. wierd. hehehe! its a great tourney, really. hrm. feels great seeing new faces again

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fainted in ROTC yesterday, that's how I got my hands wounded... thats why my topic is hard to type with wounds.

i cant believe i fainted in front of all those people. hehehe. shore patrol had to support me all the way to the clinic. I couldn't even stand straight. Sir Mina (plain Rannel in the debate society... hehehe) visited me in the clinic and asked me whether id like to be transferred to light duties. Im mulling over the thought. I have gained some friends in the model batallion already... and I would hate to start over again plus, i dont even know if im passing R.O.

My mom offered me last night to either quit ROTC though, or have some of her friends in the army talk to our staff so I can have time off and still pass. Unfair, I know.

I told her if I quit right now, I'll get 0.0 for a grade, which will ruin my transcript. As for her 2nd offer, I dismissed it. I might be lazy and always late, but I've still got some honor in me. hehe. I know she meant well, I am her only child after all... but I'd rather get a zero than get a grade because of outside connections.

I do hope I pass Rotc though. :/ future seems bleak for me though, got labeled cutting last saturday for failing to report after reviving at the clinic. COME ON. give me a break. you still want me to attend lectures after that!? (hehe, I didnt attend lectures, but i automatically prepped for the afternoon... and debated 3 rounds up to 8 too. hahaha. i just dont like rotc as much as i like debating hehe)

++++++++

i think one of the debater guys i like has a girlfriend already. bleh. we met during the nationals, and we both joked that we were single and looking. hehe. but just recently saw him with a girl, whom he didnt bother introducing to me. hehe. blehhh. i introduced myself anyway haha. kapal ako eh thats okay, only a crush, can find new ones.

the other guy I like, everyone seems to hate. in fact, friends of mine were ready to pounce on him when he gave me a scowl yesterday. hehe. yeah he's mean a bit, he's got a temper... and sometimes he's insensitive.. i dont even know why i like him. hehe. i think its just 'coz i see a glimmer of hope that he can be so much more nicer than he is now... a feeling that i can change all that. but id better not venture into THAT again. did that with someone and now im kinda stuck. hehe.

got a teeny-tiny new crush on someone. but we'll see. nothing to tell you at this time

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crushes and debates, is that all my life amounts to?!?! wahhh!!!

lost weight 2 days ago, just to gain it back again after last night's splurge on Shakeys Pizza.

have to go back to school tomorrow and face my teachers again, wish me luck.

foregoing the incubus concert to save money up for the asians.

met Mico (static) yesterday, nice to finally see you dude

can't go to Lolo and mass today. sorry cousins, no car, no way of getting there. visit me here if you like. hehe.

as always, I love the world and the world somehow loves me! hehe bye! i hope my wounds heal up pretty nice... ive always had delicate hands before (people say its coz im lazy) and now.. it doesnt look nice. :/ cya!

The most brilliant and honest ideas and thoughts that my mind has somehow coughed up are usually created in either of two places: in our bathroom or in the car.

I first found out that I was in love with blogboy when I was listening to coldplay while taking a bubblebath (yeahhh. baths and running radios don't really mix... but the plugg is far away I swear). It was also in the bathroom where I thought of the brilliant idea of breaking up with him (via phone... no I wasn't doing any "duties" inside, I was in our mini-walk in closet, hiding from my mom and trying not to be heard) then crying afterwards and of course, making up. hehe. Bleh.

It was in the bathroom where I came up with a lot of my songs. "hunichi" was one, as well a whole slew of unfinished and therefore untitled ones. hehehe. I used to bring my guitar in our bathroom and write, sprawled, on the carpeted closet floor. It's not that big, mind you, but its a quiet recluse where I can spare my ears the agony of listening to my mom's endless newswatching. hehe.

Our bathroom is a really nice place. I can stay there for hours at a time, as can be attested by friends who have already slept over.

The car, on the other hand, is a whole new different experience. While the bathroom is a place for introspection (thinking about yourself), the car gives you the opportunity to think about the world. Every person who passes you by, every glare of sunlight, every pollution-spewing jeepney is a chance for discovery. It's like watching a free movie complete with an NU107 soundtrack. It's beautiful. ... it's one of the reasons why I still appreciate Manila's notorious traffic. Time spent in traffic is time spent with myself. Amen.

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Some musings from my car trip awhile ago.

Was listening to a remake of "Mad World" awhile ago, and I couldn't help but fall in love with this line (not verbatim, sorry... dunno if I heard correctly):

I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
that dreams of which I'm dying are the best I ever had...

my God. What a poetic way of saying you're suicidal. hehe.

Imagine what a few words, if properly placed, could do. It can paint an emotion so vividly as to elicit emotions from those who hear. I almost felt sorry for the guy. I wish I never become like that. :/

+++

Told Kaka already about this, but I'm very happy.

Pepe, the vocalist of Weedisneys (a band I used to manage), and I were texting awhile ago...

He said he missed me, seriously.

Now, now, now, no intrigues please! The guy has a wife. hehe. The thing is, it felt good... it felt good to be missed, to be thought about, to be thanked, to be appreciated however indirectly.

Then it hit me. That's what I do most everything for, secretly.

That one word, or phrase, or action saying that you matter, you made a difference in my life, no matter how small.

In that very instance, I knew-- all the load I've spent, all the distance I've travelled, all the stress I endured for them has been more than compensated. I was and still am fulfilled.

It might not have been what he meant exactly, or maybe I'm pushing his phrase a bit too far... but the beauty of a message is in its interpretation, and I think in that sense my probable disillusionment is justified. *beam*

++++

I miss being in-love a bit. Don't you?

gaaaaaah!

debaterboy just messaged back through friendster and I couldn't control my giddiness...

just coz he called me EVER CUTE ESTELLE. GAH!! How pathetic am I?!?!

*sigh*, take a deep breath flustered girl... it was just a phrase, not an admonition. hahaha.

couldn't control myself, checked his friendster account... and what was "in a relationship" the other day is now "single", both for him and his precious girl.

My God. Are the heavens speaking to me? I can't even remember how blogboy looks like!

This is by far, the giddiest I've been in months (well, at least 2). I know it won't last forever, nor will it lead to anything bigger, but... weeeeeeeeee. leave me be. haha. this too, (like others) shall pass

the title of this post is a line from the song stuck in my head. I think it's from the song of 311, but I'm not really sure...

I think it's such a sweet song. *sigh* but no one to sing it to... *bawlll* hehehe. DEBSOCCCC I LOVE YOUUUUU! hehe pathetic.

++++

the moon looks extraordinarily weird tonight.

it looks like a giant eye in the sky, or a rotten egg cooked sunny-side up, drowned in black for high contrast.

there's no specific reason why I'm telling you this, no particular insight at all.

it's just the first time I've seen the moon look that big. Interesting... and a bit scary at the same time.

++++

Remember the paper I've been promising to write ever since last month? The one on crying ladies?

Well, it's still not done. In fact, I don't even have a single word written down.

Let's just hope a 0.0 isn't written in my stars.

Btw, some teachers, particularly my 9:20 INERSCI subject, are complaining about my absences. Apparently, the teacher already gave the threat to drop... obviously, I wasn't in class to be able to confirm that story. My classmates have been scaring me with similar supposed teacher-threats that I've learned to become numb to it...

but just in case they're telling the truth, please join me in my prayers: Lord... please help me pass. *sigh*

+++++

Obviously I'm not in my cheeriest of moods tonight. Blame it on the moon, or blame it on fatigue... or on hunger (only ate frenchfries, coke float and a sandwich for today... yeah I know, that's hardly a healthy diet, but if it helps me lose those inches, why the hell not? hehe!)... thing is, there's no hiding that I've got low energy.

That, and well, debaterboy hasn't really replied yet. Damn! hehe. pipe dream it all was. I want to curb in my growing infatuation... I've already committed his queer friendster pic to memory, + I checked my friendster BEFORE i even checked my mail (my mail is usually my top priority) just so I can check if anything new's up. Apparently not.

and although both him and his gf's (or ex's) status says single... his gf's (or ex's) has their picture as an icon. obviously, still fresh, probably just a squabble... more importantly, NOT EVEN ANY OF MY BUSINESS.

stalker mode is on again, have to turn it off.

GAH! Putting this behind...

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Funny how small the world is. As I was walking past the Santugon tambayan awhile ago, I heard cheers & chants for Mico Geronimo hehehe. Another guy I met online, wynd_up, was also running around for Tapat awhile ago, met his eye even. Elections, both inside La Salle and out, are coming about. Get ready to rumbleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee--- (fade out).

hehe. couldn't think of a more suitable title and I'm in a bit of a hurry so... pardon me.

skipped a class to write a darn speech and until now I'm still not finished... I thought it would take me less than 20 minutes to actually come up with a written speech on MORAL ABSOLUTISM, particularly since I have debated this before and I have thought about what I was going to write. :/

I guess writing coherent speeches is far less easier than delivering one impromptu. At least in impromptu speeches, you can use spontaneity and lack of time as a lame excuse for incoherence. With written speeches, you actually cringe when you ramble. :/

Gahh gahh I'm not even done with the first page yet, and my next class is about to start.

To top it all off, I'm at ALBA ALONE. Alba, the netcafe wherein I argued with practically each one of their staff because of their unjust accusations :/ Rar, Rar. I actually dread having to pay this time, since it'll be awkward since they didn't actually hold true to their promise. :/

I don't know what i'll say upon going to the counter, but. damn. hehe. i'm thinking of cracking up a joke? I don't want to revive ill feelings long past. blehh.

Also, damn damn damn, not going to the incubus concert later. I have enough money, but I've come to a split decision... hehehe. rararar. If I spend the money i've been saving for the Asians on just one night, on just one gig (on a once-in-a-lifetime experience!!)... i might never be able to forgive myself.

plus, y'know... i have rotc the next day, dammit!

i really have to get back to class, but I dont want to face the mean, unjust alba-counter people. BLECHHHHHHHHHH.

I just have to, I just have to. or else they'll accuse me of not paying again BLEEP!

TICKTOCK, TIMES UP! byeeee!!!!!

I feel like my world is getting smaller, and not in a good way.

I don't know what's wrong with me, other than I feel a bit wretched.

I can't elaborate right now, but I'll tell more later.

wreeetcheeeeeeeeedddddddd I hate feeling wretcheeed.

Its quite simple really...

Lately I've been feeling choked by some of my own friends... That was what I meant when I said the world was getting smaller. It's like, the world's so small, you don't even have space to breathe anymore.

And that makes me feel wretched for three reasons:

a. I love my friends, and I hate myself for feeling this way
b. I love myself, and I dislike the fact that sometimes I don't have time for myself anymore
c. I can't or choose not to do anything about it, 'coz it just might transform into a confrontation and blow up in my face.

You know how it is when you're totally close with someone, so much so that you're almost always never apart? Too much togetherness and you reach a saturation point, wherein you want to break away but can't stay too far for so long because of your dependency...

I don't know if I'm making much sense.

I think I just need time alone.

+++++++++

Ironically, the second thing that makes me feel wretched is my loneliness.

Lately, all those emo songs that I like have also been getting to me, hehehe. The pain's 80% gone, I THINK I'm on the path to moving on, but y'know... the question nags, where am I going? hehe.

I completely turned my back on someone who actually loved/liked me enough to sacrifice that much and now I'm complaining, but I guess its better that way than to have gotten into something you're not 100% sure about.

Talk about some ladybugs. Watch "Under the Tuscan Sun" and you'll get what I'm talking about. hehe.

Loneliness catches up on you sometimes, and you regret that moody Saturday afternoon and your stubborness afterwards, refusing to say sorry. You wish you were in that car again, driving up Estrada--but its all too late. Time doesn't rewind for anyone, not even with problems and wrong decisions bigger than yours. Bleep.

But there's always that hope of a tomorrow: Loneliness today can be bliss if you just lose yourself in childlike innocence.

Notice how drive-by sceneries resemble rolls of videoke film, or
how tail-lights of cars resemble smiling faces. Notice the roundness of the moon or the number of the stars; the turtle hiding in the garden-stream (yes lasallians...TURTLESS!); the skirt of a passer-by that you'd just love to wear...

Life is beautifully ironic: You get to choose, yet regrets come from that very same choice.

A shallow example: I chose ND's bday dinner + ROTC + Asians-debating & I lost a once-in-a-lifetime experience of watching Incubus in Manila.

3 is not always greater than one, but in this case, my friend's happiness weighed more than any of them combined.

Finally finished my "Crying Ladies" reaction paper.

Imagine, it took me a month to write a two page paper. Geesh. I'm really going way overboard on my procrastination.

Lets just hope I don't fail any subjects. :/ Worried about my ENGLART later, lots of ground to cover. Fearing that I won't finish my paper on time, but then again, most of my blockmates are far worse off than I am hehe. That offers a bit of consolation.

Listening to some of my old mp3 tracks. Just listened to Bethany Curve, was hypnotizing. Now listening to Glue. Now have to take a bath. hehe.

Bye!

I need to pee 'coz its so cold here, but I'm scared of the washroom.

Two bathrooms to choose from, the public bathroom, which looks exactly like the ones in Japanese horror movies (The Grudge + The Office + others) OR... the private bathroom of my Lolo who just passed. YAIIIKS.

asdkfjgh will have to look for someone who can go with me to that public washroom. wahee. (hs dependency kicks in)

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my eyes hurt.

reading the exact text and provisions of the TRIPS agreement for T.L.'s debate assignment. rarrrr. its okay though, gaining a lot of insight, but some stuff are just SO BORING and REPETITIVE and it gets on your nerves.

Plus, the constant sounds of phones ringing destroys your focus. Bleep. Am in my lolo's office, btw. The phones still ring off the hook.

+++++

Just finished my sked for next term. Damn. I have a 9:20 class MWF. GRR. That's already too early for estelle. Well.. it beats an 8 a.m. class, that's for sure. Bleep.

Am happy already with the sked, just a bit too loaded on mondays. Wednesdays are okay, just two subjects 9:20-10:20 + 11:40-12:40, then I'm FREEEE. Fridays are equally light. hehe. only one subject adds up to that, basically half-day.

excited for next term! I hope this sked sticks (which means I hope I dont fail any subject so that my sked remains intact!).

++++++++

I'm hungry.

haven't eaten rice yet for today, YIPPEE! But I ate bread. and crackers. bleep. isn't that the same??

TUMMY, TUMMY GO AWAY!

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bit happy though.

I keep on complaining bout my tummy out loud, and then a guy friend of mine told me that I'm not chubby. I'm pretty daw. HAHAHA! Yeaaaaah. Leos just love bolas. wee. bola-bola-make-my-head-spin-round...!!!!!!!! wee. Talking about bolas (balls... and im not referring to a part of the male anatomy, k? hehe!) .. I'm as round as one. my face is like a mallow. wee. its so soft and cushy. sigeee. NDs here. byeee.

FROM THE S.C.U.M (Society for Cutting Up Men) Manifesto by Valerie Solanas:

"Retaining the male has not even the dubious purpose of reproduction. The male is a biological accident: the y(male) gene is an incomplete x(female) gene, that is, has an incomplete set of chromosomes. In other words, the male is an incomplete female, a walking abortion, aborted at the gene stage. To be male is to be deficient, emotionally limited; maleness is a deficiency disease and males are emotional cripples. "

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Found that quotation above as I was researching for my Feminism homework that T.L. assigned. hehe. I just found it interesting, so I decided to share with you all. Doesn't mean I'm for the cutting up of men or anything, or that I hate them and all... I actually quite like them. wahaha. but I don't like anyone specifically right now.. :/

All this research has been bugging me. Can I be considered a feminist? ... I don't think so. In fact, I like the way things are now... significant progress has been made, and I'm happy that we're not total equals yet with guys. Imagine if guys wouldn't even have the faintest notion of what a gentleman should be... wouldn't that be far worse?

I say, we already have equal footing in jobs (the Philippines IS 2nd in the world when it comes to equality of men and women in jobs, even in managerial positions. we beat the U.S., we're 2nd to Russia), we can wear whatever we want, and still have guys opening doors for us... wee! we can enjoy the best of both worlds if we just stop right here. hehe

of course, I could be wrong.

Bleh. I really should get back to researching. Have to make a paper on Mano Po 2 (a movie I haven't watched yet, damn!)... Have to research for what Brian assigned to us... + T.L.s, + ENGLART's resources... SHIT. How will I be able to do this and still get enough sleep at the same time?

Darnit.

just came home from Baguio awhile ago, around 7 a.m. Really, really tired... feel like I've been run over by a couple of sumo wrestlers. Have to write tons of papers though, so forced myself up from bed.

Really guilty, missed an important long quiz today; writing on tabulas and yet still not finished with my 1st paper on Rizal's nationalism + not quite sure if I can make it to Harris' BK meditation thing.

Also quite guilty that I can't make it to training tonight or on Wednesday, and that I haven't really been doing my speeches yet. :/

Glad though, raised up P800 for the debate society in the past 4-5 days. That's quite a lot if you imagine that I just ask coins from people... Mr. Gatbunton was nice enough to hand a fresh P100 bill, fresh from his driver's pocket. hehe. la daw sya change e...

Didn't regret going to Baguio though. It was a spur of the moment decision: my mom asked, I said yes, we packed our bags. Stayed in the Baguio Country Club again after so many years... was reminded of my lolo and the holy weeks spent there. The view was beautiful... the clean air, refreshing. Ruined my diet, but whatever. Gained 3 pounds just overnight, hahaha! okai lang yan, haven't eaten anything but two slices of mango for today anyway. Mababawi ko rin 'to.

Went to the ukay-ukays there... nothing special! I even like the ukay-ukays here in manila better... they have funkier clothes and far less clutter to choose from. Bought a BESS skirt with a price tag of $340 for only P50 (barely a dollar) though... quite a find. I have no plans of wearing it, it's just... well, maybe I can sell it to someone else. hehe. the price tag + its brand new condition can rake me in an extra P100 or more.

Looking for ways to get rich. I want to get rich. And thin. And happy. Checked out a few franchises, but I don't think it'll suit me. I want something that I've built on my own... hmm. bought some baguio products which I'll sell at a higher price.

Saved P6,500 already, I can register for the Asians now!! ... current agenda: raise money for the plane ride. hehe.

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. i badly need a massage. have to work now. these are the papers that I have to work on:

1. mano po 2, draft & finished paper
2. Rizal's Nationalism, priority #1 DONE!
3. ENGLART Argumentative paper on the Geneva Accord and why its the best solution to the Israel-Palestine conflict. shortest should be 7 pages. have to be passed by tomorrow!
4. sociology's review of related literature
5. speech for debatesoc (due last friday) on elections after post-conflict situations

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. ooh, i forgot, reporting tomorrow SOCIO and I don't have the gaddam book! wutwillidoooo bye!

AHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm feeling all giddy 'coz my assholic crush called! AHHH!!!! hahaha

granted that he fought with me during our early days in school, almost made me cry, always finds a way to shut me up and make me bara, and made my friend, his ex-gf, cry by taking her for granted... I should be hating him right about now.

But I can't. He's much too cute. WAHHH!!!

He called, he called, he called to follow up on our project, simply because, accdg to him "he didn't want to spend", obviously his credits, on me.

GRRRR. Asshole.

But hey, he still asked for my # and called. hehe. He even pretended to be Visayan, looked for Dodong. Haha. Me being the stupid person that I am, called out for Dodong, and then realizing only 3 seconds later that we didn't have anyone named Dodong in our house.

hehe. giddiness subsiding... he's just an asshole estelle, leave him be. hehehe. rarrrrr. i'll miss him when our class gets deblocked. no more asshole-guy that you look at through the corner of your eyes. No more smartpants remarks, no more cute jap-y guy. BLEEEP. snap out of it.

Have to do 2 more papers and 1 speech. sociology stuff along with cuteassholeguy will just have to wait. ASDFGH!K

I skipped all of my classes today, shit.

Needed to get my papers done, but still haven't finished any by now. I am now on my 6th page for ENGLART (requirement is 7 pages but with complete ideas) and on my 3rd paragraph for my FILIPI, but somehow... I just can't push myself to finish.

I feel like such an idiot. rararar. I mean... I know I can do it, it's just I'm too lazy to, and I have no will power and focus to continue doing it even if I don't want to. This raises a lot of questions in my head about my future. If I can't even convince myself to sit down and finish a paper and not write on tabulas instead, how the hell will I survive work, with all of those boring stuff they'll ask you to do there?

RARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR my laziness will be my demise.
Help me. :/

I'm done na with my papers!!! YEY!!! speeches na lang, shyet.

oh well. plus, may nakaaalitan ako. hehe.

sige, later. will update tomorrow, too sleepy

Some Estelle Updates

RE: Assholic Crush
--- remember the group project which he called me about? erm, its no longer a group, the other guys backed out. hehe. it's just me and him wahaha! he's coming over this monday to my house so we can focus on the paper and re-write it. He'll be focusing on the paper, I'll be focusing on his face. MWAHAHA. Kidding. Well, I don't want to get my hopes up too much on this one. It's just a project, just one afternoon; after this, it's more or less back to dedmahan and petty fights. rarrrr.

RE: Alitan (mis-understandings; petty fights)
--- the verbal war is currently on ceasefire. In fact, it's not even a war, it's more like a volcano erruption. there are long periods of picturesque calm, but then BOOM!

the bad part is, he's a senior of mine. the good news is, I think I'm partly right, and I think what I'm doing is very gutsy (I usually am on the safe side).

He's accusing me of having no respect for authority (i.e., him, supposedly), PUBLICLY. I reply with "okay" but never "sorry", because I still have some respect left for him... plus I don't want to make a real enemy.

My point is, authority doesn't come with age (and he's just one year older for crying out loud) and neither is it imposed. If I don't see you as an authority figure, then its your fault, not mine. I respect a lot of people who are older than me, some who are even younger, but that's because they merit it. Maybe he should look into why exactly he's the only one I can really answer back to.

Maybe it's his arrogance, or maybe it's my pride. Whatever the case, one of these days, I might not be able to hold my tongue in anymore. I might not say "okay" and simply accept his accusations that my generation is going way overboard. One of these days I'll respond and tell him, it's not me or my generation that has a problem; it's you.

That sounds sooo mean, I don't think I can even say it. :/ Hehe. We'll see.

RE: Papers
Yahoo guys!!! I can almost feel summer vacation. hehe. here are the papers that I still have to submit before I can actually feel grade-safe--

a. jologs review paper (filipi)
b. lecture review paper (for filipi)
c. jprizal nationalism (with my ahole crush yeh!)
d. debate speeches (9 pa. oh no. due on april pa naman)
e. sociology review of related literature (optional, might not take it)
f. englart final paper (only after sir gives me back my revised paper)

WEEEEE. I can taste summer already.

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boredom begets stupidity: I placed my picture on ratemyface.com, and no one has yet to vote on it! wahh! haha. well, getting no votes is better than getting LOW votes. hehehe. I searched for a listing of filipinas there and the lowest actually got a 3.something. Thats pretty low :/

++++

some of my friends seem to be getting pissed at me, because they're the ones my teachers bug about my whereabouts.

All I can say is sorry... because it's been a problem ever since grade 7, and no one, not even my mom was able to cure this lazy-sickness of mine. :/

At least I'm not a lazy friend... if you know what I mean. *sigh*

++++ ROTC IS FREAKING ME OUT!!! I NOW DREAD SATURDAYS!+++

bleep.

I'm so happy.

We might not be close friends, and I might not be the biggest fan (anymore), but you still kept my number. yey. hehe. and updated me even.. wahh..

I know it's just mass-text, but isn't it nice to have one of your idols even remember your name? much less remember to update you about current happenings? hehe. rar. i miss watching them play.

++++

I've been wanting to do this for a long time (ever since I was once again lovelesS)-- try and think back on "kilig" or crush-happy (what's the english word for kilig) moments that I've had in my life. It's nice remembering good times... makes you feel less lonely, allows you to dream about the might-have-beens. Here are a few of my favorites:

*** my crush, whom I kiddingly called Boy George, borrowed my cellphone, 'coz he said he wanted to beat my highest score for Snake. Daring him to, I gave it to him... and when he returned it, the snake was shaped into a heart. but then he and I just kidded about it afterwards. hehe. needless to say, never really knew if he liked me or not, just that he and his friend visited a few of our gigs and texted me for quite some time (even calling me hot chicababe ata.. hahaha!) but then faded away. sayang. hehe. he's really handsome and still catches my eye up to this very day. awww.

*** when Santa orchestrated the surprise-rose-giving thing. That was really sweet. He even conspired with several debsoc members just to get me up there. hehe. Really admire the effort, but I'm really scared of surprises. hehehe. there's a high-risk for awkwardness.. rar.

*** watching the stars and manila bay through Manila Hotel's garden with bboy, while he gave me a backrub. wee. haha. don't think of anything, k? we were at manila hotel because we had free dinner there, plus Asha was with us too. hehehe. It was just really sweet. I miss hugging him, he's like a giant pillow. haha. but ne-way, that's done.

*** one of my crush's getting drunk, then kneeling down to talk to me (he's distinguishably taller than me, more than a 5' difference). I was with my pretty friend, and then he told me "you know what, you look like my brother's ex". laughing, I asked: "am I supposed to be insulted? hehe!" he said, "no, my brother's got great taste." and then he got me and my friend a drink, whiskey ata yun. haha... it was my first time to drink, methinks. I just had to. hahaha.

that very same crush asked me to cruising twice (cruising in his bevy of cars... wahh! and because of my fear of awkwardness I just had to turn both his offers down!) and even to a gimick nite, which I again couldn't go to. :/ his friend texted me and told me that my crush had a crush on me... but unfortunately, it was too good to be true, I didn't want to believe him. The guy never told me himself. hehe. so I guess... *poof* nevermind. haha

*** this is one of my favorites I'm a big fan of this local band, who's pretty popular din naman here in the Philippines. I had a very big crush on one of their guitarists... but I knew he was out of my league (though very, very friendly). At one of their gigs, while I was staring at his faint-worthy face, he looked back at me, straight at me, and smiled. hehe. He didn't stop looking though! hahaha! that was the fun part. It was this really really sweet song of the band, all about love, and I couldn't look at him because he was looking at me. I know, because my friends were nudging me and telling me to look at him. When I finally looked up, he was still looking at me with a glimmer in his eyes, and he was still smiling. Wahh. *heart melts*
caught him looking at me also at another gig, this time from the 2nd floor. hehe. but that wasn't as heart-melt-worthy as the first... I was dancing crazily the 2nd time around hahaha!

he invited me to his sideband's gig once, and finding out that I didn't have any money, told me it's his treat. problem was, brought a few of my friends, so... we didn't really get to hang-out and well, he couldn't pay for us all. hehe.

at one of their parties, their whole band was teasing me to him. I, however, reacted negatively, thinking that my secret was out and they were just trying to embarass me (i was the host). I kinda asked rudely why they were putting the heat on us. hehe. bleh. I wish I hadn't. hahaha. RARRRR. now I'll never know if he ever liked me. :/

so these are some very few but very long stories of Estelle in-fat-uated. hehe. Estelle in-love is very different though... how different? rar, see my past journals. hahaha.

I wonder what my next kilig story would be Hopefully when my ahole crush swings by this monday, there would be another story to tell. hehehe! But that's just me. hehe.

++++++

doing good on my diet! I ate 1 apple, 1 banana, and veggies today. My one main binge was fishfillet with 1 cup of rice. hehe. and I ate that during lunch (I think I already burned it). tummy, tummy please slim down. hehe.

saw mico in our classroom awhile ago. hehe. i wanted to wave hi, but he was kinda busy announcing. looks like he won the elections though. if so, congrats mico!

was honored to have prep with T.L. awhile ago. she's really one of my idols, ranking as high as my Lolo and my mom. one of these days, I'll let her know that, most probably through a testimonial. hehe.

dreading ROTC tomorrow. Is there really no escape?

went online just to print the poliscy candidacy forms.

alas. the yahoogroup is for members-only. i can't access it. :/

maybe this is God's sign that I shouldn't be thinking of running for any org-seat. maybe I should just focus on 3 impt things: a. studies b. debate c. splitcide

... but I really feel like I need to experience running in school first before running elsewhere. hehe. and since being a legislator is on my to-be list, have to think fast... how can i achieve this goal? hrm hrm...

++++++

went to splitcide's pyro-olympics gig the other night. wow.

not only was I happy with splitcide's set... but the fireworks was amazing! well worth the hour spent just looking for the place.

fireworks were shaped like hearts and stars and smiling faces... they were of different colors, diferrent sizes... i can't even begin to describe them except that my jaw dropped in awe and I felt a tingle running through me. lupet.

only, couldn't help but feel a bit loneeely. hehe. was with Asha the whole time, of course... but we couldn't help but talk about having not shared a wonderful, once-in-a-lifetime spectacle with SOMEONE. lamoyun? hehe. As we took in the breeze and the distant city-lights, plus the scattered stars and the lone, stark moon, we talked about the bittersweet irony of it all. Melancholic Beauty. *sigh*

in a brief spurt of insanity (and loneliness) I actually texted a long lost friend. hehe. a guy friend, very flirty. asked him how he was and he asked me out, sometime this week. hehe. told him to go out with us that night instead. regretted it after 2 minutes of no response, but grinned it off when he sent me a bevy of alibis. hehehe. bleeep. that was fun. he was ruffled. should do it again. hahaha

but seriously, i hope this is not Rebound: part 2. bleeep.

+++++

watched 50 first dates awhile ago. My God, would I love a guy like Adam Sandler (in that film. I hate his other films). I particularly loved the song he wrote for Lucy. rarar. i want one of those. haha. although hopefully not an ode to my loud voice. wahaha.

+++

have to write a resume for the candidacy form. will leave this up to fate. if i can pass it by tomorrow, yey. i'll run. if not, then no. hehe.

bye!

my head is reeling from the strong smell of baygon (the cockroach killer!) and from the pain of a bad revelation: one of my bestfriends have been backstabbing me.

the news came innocently enough. I was conversing with my friend while waiting to be interviewed (yep, running for POLISCY) when he brought out the topic of my bestfriend. apparently, someone was pissed at her, so of course I came to her aide. I straightened out the issue, asking my friend to explain it to the person concerned so that the whole thing would be able to blow over without my bestfriend even knowing it. and then... maybe out of a guilty conscience, my friend unfolded the story. :/

she's been talking about me behind my back, specifically to our common friends. she said it was unfair that i barely came to class and yet got passing and even above average grades; she claimed me to be bookish, only surviving because I could memorize its contents. she even wished me to fail in GENPSYC so I assumedly would learn my lesson... she even talked to my prof about it, telling him it was unfair for him to give me another make-up for the long-test I have missed.

but weirdly, the thing that hurt the most was the most shallow tirade she could come up with... something she said within hearing distance from me (we were seatmates. good thing I have bad hearing). When our teacher recommended the da vinci code awhile ago, I already told him I read it, giving additional thumbs up for the book. She whispered to our other friends "See? Instead of reading for her academics, she's reading other books" <-- of course, that was said in tagalog. rarrr.

I mean, whyyyyy? What's so wrong with reading OTHER books aside from my acads? am I not allowed to be a well-rounded person, aside from having a rounded figure?!

My friend explained, maybe she's just insecure. He said he confronted her about it, and eventually, the truth slipped out. Instead of saying it was "unfair to the block", as she had told our teacher, she said it's "unfair to me", citing with pleasure that at least I got a much lower grade than her in ENGLONE, proving perhaps that there indeed was justice in this world. Bleh.

I understand that I need to learn that my grades have to be worked hard for, but does that give her the license to wish me a 0.0? or for her to make jokes about me behind my back? or to talk to my teacher in behalf of the class, claiming it was unfair to give me a second chance?! I don't think so.

The least she could have done was told it to me up front. But anyway, she just texted, telling me yet another juicy "chika". Apparently she has another suitor. Good news, dear, but can you please tell me what your knife is doing on my back?

I'll keep up this charade of goodwill until saturday rolls along. If she can pretend and backstab for her self-interest, so can I. Bleh. I just hope the friendship can still be saved... somehow. but first, need to confront.

+++++

on a brighter note, my day with the assholic crush went well!!

he's not an asshole anymore *beam* He was REALLY NICE. He didn't make any green jokes, nor did he boast about anything. He was really polite and really was making effort to strike a conversation

He opened up about his previous lovelife, about his family, about his pets... he even played with my dogsss (they love him hehe)! plus, he didn't rely on me fully for the paper. he was writing on his own, and then we'd compare notes.

he's such great company. I couldn't help but smile as we dropped him off. waheeeeee. he was nice enough not to ask to be dropped exactly outside his house, like i promised. he just wanted to get down at least to EDSA. woweeee.

dunno if this will turn out to be anything, but he was really a blast to hang-out with. spent almost an hour or more eating (yeepp my usual phobia about eating with guys wasn't there), and even more just talking about almost anyyything. he was also a bit thoughtful, or maybe that's just my wishful thinking.

tomorrow he's coming back. he told me he'll bring a sleeping-bag and a teddybear, just in case it might take us all night to make the paper.

erm. i'm not sure if that was a joke. what do you think? hehe.

++++

at least there's balance in the world. one sad news, one fairly happy news. i hope there's even greater news tomorrow. i really, really like him, at least right now. hayayay. weeee, cutie.

Crushie left. Wahh... :/

Actually, he's not just a crush. A crush denotes someone who has the looks but no personality to back it up. I LIKE him. Seriously. He's got the looks, the personality, and the brains!! Huwaaah! Why can't he like me?

In all seriousness, I thought I had a chance. haha. To charm him in two days? hahaha! I mean, we got along pretty well. We never run out of things to talk about... I know his top 3 dreams, as well as his top 3 cars. I know his greatest weakness (his cats, or so he says). I know he's into shooting, he's not into ka-plastican, anddddd... well, he's into smallville and everwoods, whatever that is. He listens to classical music in the morning, 'coz his dad loves it, anddd he listens to rock otherwise (and rnb when he's in love). all this I learned in barely 2 days, considering we talk only when class is over, and only on the way to my house up to the time he leaves.

he can play with my dogs (they love him), I can eat in front of him. He feels comfortable enough to go get his own Pepsi from my kitchen. He played couch commando already, watching Smallville from our tvroom, and.. gahh. all I'm trying to say is he's already comfortable here and I'm comfortable with himmm. but whyyy can't it not go my way? hehe.

from the snips of descriptions I hear about what kind of girl he likes, it seems to fit me, but not entirely. he said he likes girls that are chinita and who wears glasses---I'm not chinita but my eyes are small... plus I have glasses! Does that count? Plus, he likes lefties, like himself and Jeanine. IM A LEFTIE, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! From his description of his ex, he likes girls na "palaban", outspoken, etc: I'm a debater, I have the courage to tell him upfront that I think he's an asshole (I just did so awhile ago. Kudos to me for trying to win him over!)--and yet does he even notice? rarrr! And now, he says he just loves Paulinians from Pasig, everyone he sees from Anna Samia's batch are supposedly beautiful... I'm a paulinian from pasig! PICK ME! haha! Alas, I'm neither from Anna's batch nor am I beautiful. Dang.

I don't know where it'll go from here. He can choose to ignore me in class once more, or maybe text me to hang-out once classes are over. Most likely he'll just forget about it, I mean... I'm sure it didn't mean anything at all to him. I was just his partner for this project, nothing more. but there's still that part of me that's holding on to that one wish.

He's just so perfect for me. Or so I think. Whatever happens, God has his reasons. But man is he hot. I can just swoon over that smile. Dimples + crinkly eyes, EVERYTHING. I hope he never reads this.

hehehe. Time to get back to work on OUR paper. HONESTLY, I couldn't even get work done when I was with him. I preferred swapping stories with him rather than typing this paper. Not like we didn't try. In fact, he was more motivated than I was, typing paragraphs at a time. hehe. Too bad I didn't like his work. hahaha. they're going to get bleeped out. hahaha. Awww. hayayay. I miss him already, how do I lure him back here? HAHAHAHA!!

ESTELLE YOURE PATHETIC! DO YOUR HOMEWORK!

HES COMING TO MY HOUSE AGAIN!!!! AHHH!!! It's 12 AM AND HES COMING TO MY HOUSE AGAIN! WAHAHAHA! IM SO EXCITED! WAHAHA!

... i just texted him that our printer ran out of black ink, and he called me up and told me he'll bring his printer over. hahaha! weee! the things he'll do for a grade.

the things I'll do for that smile. hahaha! 8 pages MAN, DONE IN JUST ONE NIGHT?!?! Lupet!!! I don't even do that for myself. hehe.

he's an inspiration.

haha. have to stop typing this baka he might get here already IM IN HEAVEN! mwahaha.

My diet is going to hell.

Am currently eating KFC right now, and ate chicken + rice + macaroni salad for lunch. -- a marked improvement though: at least right now I'm eating chicken WITHOUT the rice. and I'm drinking water instead of softdrinks.

Oh well, who the hell cares anyway. hehe.

The only reason I'm dieting is 'coz I want to fit in my pants again (yeah, yeah, they don't fit anymore)... but people seem to like it more when I wear my funky skirts. maybe I don't need pants in my wardrobe after all. hehehe.

+++

passed our 8 page paper. Questioning the foundation of Rizal's Nationalism. I'm so proud. hehe. Too bad that the paper actually marks the end of our, erm, one-sided relationship. hahaha! just kidding, didn't know what other term to use. From his nonchalance awhile ago, I'm guessing last night was the last night (yey, redundance!) of crazy topics & great conversations with him.

but that's ok, will find someone else to crush on. hehe. Just checked my previous entries (up to feb) and realized just how many guys I've seemed to like since then. There was that debater dude, and of course, santa, plus well 2 assholic people... that's a lot for just one month :/ maybe migi's right. I have crushes on everyone! *bawlll*. but that's okay.

++++

just wanted to share: we (debsoc) had free lunch today, care of OSAC. it was really fun, not just coz of the free food, but because majority of the people I miss were there. it made me feel real proud to be in the debate society. tama k'se yung sinabi nila Ma'am kit eh. We're not just individuals, we're a team. But much more than that... we're actually a family. ne-way, hehe, enough about that.

there's more I actually want to share, but I'm getting lazy to write once again. hehe. so next time nalang uli.

btw, just in case any of you who's reading this decides to go outside.. look at the sky. isn't it pretty? i just love simple joys.