Sira ka Talaga! :)

I can't believe it's 2004 already.

2004 - 1985 = I've been in this world for approximately 19 years if you'd round it off (I'm 18. I turn 19 in August). How exactly do I feel about it? Where is my life going?

I guess it's just one of those days when you just feel like re-assessing your whole life, and not just the year before. In my easyjournal blog, I already listed down the achievements I've had over the years. I've done my share of good in this world.. I've helped Tahanang Mapagpala's children in Caloocan, ran a donation drive for the victims of Mindanao... been nice to my friends as far as best as I could... but the thing is, I've never had anything continue for more than a year. I've never been consistent. I feel, seriously, half-baked.

If you look at my life on paper, it would seem above average. And I guess, it is above average if you compare it to the hundreds of thousands of Filipinos who aren't getting decent education.. or worse, throwing their studies away. But it isn't enough to make me feel fulfilled. In my 18 and 4 months in this world, I haven't done much to make my mark. I haven't placed myself yet in the map, in what Amy Tan called "the ledger of life".

I guess it is too ambitious for me to think of making a name for myself this early on. At around my age, my grandfather was fighting the Japanese in World War II. He was ready to die for his country as another peasant face. He was able to keep his life though, thank God... and was awarded because of it. He moved on to journalism, to public service, in both national and international, and despite all the criticisms that his detractors throw him... he was not a turncoat and neither was he a political chameleon. I see it clearly now. Although he was a jack of all trades-- a writer, a public servant, and a father to all of us, he never lost sight of what was most important to him. Ang ating Inang Bayan, ika nga.

He jumped from job to job, title to title. What was once a college dropout and a kargador sa pier managed not only to take care of his children of 7, and his grandchildren of uhm, 15-20 (I don't feel like counting us all, sorry)... he managed to take care of our country as well, never losing sight of it. He had focus. Something I sorely lack.

I guess you could say that my lolo is my idol (Along with my mom and Amy tan of course). I want to pattern my life according to his, although deep down inside I know I can never become half as great as he was, even if I tried. What started out as an analysis of my life thus far became an analysis of our lives intertwined. I know that this topic makes some friends of mine uncomfortable, precisely because I'm known as the happy-go-lucky type... but I miss my lolo dearly. I haven't cried enough, I haven't grieved enough, I haven't spent time with him enough. I haven't thought about him enough. I'd just feel better if I just felt sad for awhile. I was laughing in his wake, the reality not having sunk in. I cried during moments when I'd feel the utter feeling of loss, but I'd pop back up ready to crack another silly joke just because I'm used to it. I'm used to him and our sunday lunches, I'm used to his bald head and his barong tagalogs, I'm used to telling my mom that she can't go with lolo to another trip abroad. I'm used to going to his office, looking at his books, eating noche buena with him... haaaaay. I just miss him, miss him a lot.

anyway, back to my life analysis.

How do I get to be like him? How do I leave a mark in this world?

That's one of my two ultimate goals in life. I don't yearn for financial success (although that would be great, thank you very much) nor for a successful career in medicine or law. I yearn to make a mark in this world, to change the lives of people both friend and foe. I want to be remembered decades after I die. And while all people have a secret desire for this (at least I'd like to think so... except maybe for Mike Beltran)... not everyone attains it. So I want to plan my life with this in mind.

2nd, I'd like to be happy. Happiness might be such a vague word for you, a blanket statement that must be further defined. But I simply see it as a choice. I intend to be happy no matter what the outcome of my life. If you were to kill me today (God, please no. Please give me a long long life), even with all the tears I've shed, I'd still be as happy as can be. I may not be perfect, my life might not be up to par, I might not have spent all the time I could with my friends and family... but each day, I make sure I feel grateful for the chance to live. Each day I see beauty in simplicity, something that a lot of people have forgotten to do. Each day, I make sure I am happy and content-- even in the face of boredom, of depression, of pure heartbreak. Seems hard? Seems impossible? Seems contradictory? Complexity in Simplicity. Make that choice.

hrmmmm... so those are my two goals. How are my new years resolutions helping me attain them (if at all)? Focus, yes. Time & Money Management, a little bit, yes... I have to make long-term plans though. I have to release myself from excess & unnecessary baggage. Or i can just breeze through life like I've been doing for the past 18 years, and end up scattered in different directions.

I'll post more when I've reflected deeper into my current situation. hehe. For the meantime though, here are some results of tests that I'd like to share.
You're just the happy go-lucky type. You might have
your pet peeves, but other than that, you're
mainly calm. Blending in with your
surroundings, you're the type of person who
everyone likes. Usually it's you who cracks
jokes at social gatherings - after all,
laughter is the best medicine. Sometimes you
pretend to be stupid, but in all actuality, you
could be the next Einstein.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla


cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed


What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I don't know how many nations share this superstition, but here in our country, we believe that how we spend January 1 is a reflection of how we'll spend the rest of the year. I sincerely hope that it's not true... because then I'd practically be a couch-eating, butt-fattening lazy, blog-crazy girl who receives practically little or no text messages and spends little or no time with family at all.

To provide stark-contrast to years of yore, I'd probably be at Corinthians right now, spending new year with my family. We'd be eating lunch... just bum around with each other... I'd be a little bit distracted with all of the text messages coming in, frequently deleting precious old messages from my crushes just to let New Year greetings in... and well, eating couches (figuratively) is something that I'd still be doing.

This year, I spent my day watching old vcds of FRIENDS, forcing myself to read a book on European Economics (which I have to say, is straining the muscles of my eyes and my brain... having to re-read paragraphs at least twice to get the gyst of it.. with constant references to OECC, EU, EC, EPU, and other confusing abbreviations) as well as some articles on WTO... reading blogs like crazy, preventing myself from spamming my friends with long blogs such as these.. Rar. Not to mention the food I ate. I ate 2 kinds of junk food: Ruffles & Cheetos. Two take-outs from different countries (so to speak): Italian Pizza and Chinese Food. Drank lots of water, though.. hoping to just flush it all down, teehee. heheh. I'm sooo worried about the first week of school--My clothes might not fit. I need something to fall back on. I need to go shopping. But then again, it's my waist that needs slimming down, not my wallet. Hehehe.

Took an IQ test, inspired by Mike Beltran. I got 124, 2 points shy from his. I'm a word warrior. I'd pretty much agree... I'm no good with numbers, but that doesn't mean I'm THAT good with words either. I'm still trying to learn how to write, poetry and fiction and stuff. Wish me luck I hope I get somewhere by the middle of this year.

Anyway, I'll go back upstairs now, take care of my mom. She's sick, bad3p, newyear pa naman. All I have to do to help her feel better is make sure she has continuous supply of F-R-I-E-N-D-S medicine (laughter being the best medicine). We're both FRIENDS addicts. Cge, Have to take care of mommyyyy! I don't think I'll go blogging again later, but just in case I do--- C you!

My eyes hurt a bit from all the reading, but yeahhhh... this was a good day

Went to the Libingan this morning, visited my lolo. It really is a peaceful place... didn't feel like I was in a cemetery at all. I actually wanted to take my friend Paolo the Photographer there to see if he'd like to take some pictures. The whole place just leaves you feeling serene...

Anyway, got a bit teary-eyed at my lolo's puntod. Dunno if it was sadness or my irritating cold or both, but I couldn't help but cry a little. The sight of a carton of winston lights beside his grave was just too moving. It's as if nothing has changed. I even had the urge to hand him his lighter.

Went to Gourd's Cafe and Zong's after for lunch. Was pretty okay, didn't eat much (well, not as much as I've been eating the past few days). Drank water, was pleased at myself for not choosing softdrinks (I really have to reduce my tummy. hehehe). I can't remember what we did afterwards, went home I think. All I remember is reading Ernest Hemingway's "A moveable feast"... even in the car.

It started out innocently enough. Bought two books with me, "how to write poetry" and "ang paboritong libro ni hudas", but it was just too inconvenient for me to reach for my backpack and get it from inside (yeah, i'm just plain lazy). Reached for the book right beside the passenger's seat then. Ernest Hemingway, a familiar name. A moveable feast --- a pretty familiar book. Tried reading it twice already, got bored with the first few pages and rejected it for more fast-paced novels. After getting past the first chapter though, things got pretty interesting...

Here is a segment of a paragraph that I liked:

"It was wonderful to walk down the long flight of stairs knowing that I'd had good luck working. I always worked until I had something done and I always stopped when I knew what was going to happen next. That way I could be sure of going on the next day. But sometimes when I was starting a new story and I could not get it going, I would sit in front of the fire and squeeze the peel of the little oranges into the edge of the flame and watch the sputter of blue that they made. I would stand and look out over the roofs of Paris and think, 'Do not worry. You have always written before and you will write now. All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.'"

I have been trying to write for the longest time now... and though I know I don't have the natural talent for it, I think I have a comparative advantage because I have the ideas and a command of the language, it's just... I lack the knowledge of the process that goes on in between. I write in a spontaneous manner, just like live life. I have a vague notion of where I want to go, but no plan whatsoever on how to get there. I write just like I'm writing right now. Going forward but never getting anywhere, no conclusion ever reached.

I think that's why Hemingway's paragraph, the one I just quoted, just touched me so. I didn't know that mental block or listlessness plagued even the most famous writers. His works are classics, for crying out loud, and this book, "A moveable feast", describes him as a young aspiring writer in Paris... not a single novel in his belt. It gives me hope that maybe someday, I too can have a book published. Someday, I too can be someone great. It all depends on how I play it. I hopeeeee, I really hope that someday, I won't just be another student. I won't just be another face on the street. I want my life to mean something.

That question was burning in my mind as we had family lunch at Zong's awhile ago. Here I was, sitting across people who spanned different generations. My grandmother, a former teacher turned housewife, a former "peasant" turned socialite... what decisions did she make that shaped her into what she is? My aunts and uncles, almost all of high education. An aunt who has a degree in law, among others. An uncle who's a mayor; another uncle, a student activist during his UP years, now working as the Information officer of the WTO. My mom, not necessarily the best in her family's brood of 7 (she went to UST whilst her siblings went to UP and Ateneo... dunno if she just rejected those two schools though), was accepted at Harvard for her masters, and now seeing her resume... I can't say that I'm not proud to be her daughter. Looking at all the successes and failures that my family has gone through, I tried to examine how it all came to be... with the goal of planning my life accordingly.

It was on the ride home that I decided I wanted to write. Not only songs, but novels. Essays. Poems. I want to express myself through the written word because it is more direct than sculpting or painting. I want to let anyone who would want to listen know what I am thinking, feeling and perceiving... about the world, about life, about anything and everything under the sun. I want to be heard. I want to exist. And I feel that you will never truly exist if you live a life unshared.

And for me to write, I must read and think and explore... hence, the new books that I bought from BOOKS FOR LESS just before dinner. Hehehe.

I'm decided. I will take control of my life. I will write, one way or another. The other goals, I have already decided as well. I just have to figure out a plan in which all of my goals will be reached, seamlessly and efficiently.

I'll return to thinking and reading now, thanks. hehe. I'll post more when I feel like it

Btw, came across this book in BOOKS FOR LESS regarding Death. Essays of it. I was interested but decided against buying it, because the subject creeps me out. An insight came to me this morning though... "The inspiration for life should come from the inevitability of death" -- Estelle. Jan. 2, 2004 Heheh! I'm sure I'm not the first one who thought of that.. but I just figured, heyyy. We're all going to die anyway, whether we accept it or not. With this in mind, what is it that you want to attain in life? How is it that you want to be remembered when you die? Think about it. Then maybe you'll be a little bit more inspired to plan your life ahead.

Mark your calendar or Palm V. You can expect to die on:


July 25, 2057
at the age of 71 years old.


On that date you will most likely die from:
Cancer (39%)
Heart Attack (16%)
Homicide (10%)
Contagious Disease (7%)
Alien Abduction (7%)

.. I wonder how they came up with this? Thanks to ASTIU for the link The test can be found at sparks.com, or something that resembles that.

... edited this post and removed the questionnaire for personal reasons. hehe. it was bugging me as i went to sleep last night, didn't feel like I should've posted it. changed the title then too. oh well, will post later.

I'm tired.

I feel it in every bone in my body, especially the ones near my poor, used-up feet. To make it worse, my colds won't go away, so... yeah. Kinda makes me feel even more horrible then I usually would.

You might ask me what I did the whole day. I did nothing... but looked and looked at dozens of racks of ukay-ukay clothes.

Was supposed to go to Tagaytay with some of my debater friends.. in fact, I believed until around 2 pm that I'd still be able to catch up. I was stuck with my mom then at her Roxas Blvd Office, reading my lolo's books while she wrote press releases and speeches. I thought I was supposed to wait for her, us having come in the same car and her never speaking about me being "dismissed", and so I waited.. and waited.. and waited.. while my friends in Tagaytay waited with me and for me.

2 pm, I gave up. I told my friends that it might take us forever to get out of the office, especially if my mom had writer's block. I felt like Dianne was a bit disappointed in me, probably thought that I just gave her false hope and I was lying. Oh well.. couldn't help the circumstances. I still feel guilty, but... couldn't do anything about it.

3 pm, txted camille.. we went to an Ukay-Ukay in pasay where we found out or totally different taste in clothes. Whatever she handed to me, I'd put back in the rack. Everything I liked, she'd smirk at. Di raw k'se ako tao.. hehe.. I didn't know what's in or out. Oh well, I was never one to go with the norms... bought a colorful sequined bag for P80, a see-through tie-dyed & sequined sleeveless shirt for P50 and then we went on our way.

On the way back, received a text from Debs and Keno where we decided to meet up at Greenhills. Looked at the stuff being sold...
B-O-R-I-N-G. The usual stuff, plus a little bit expensive. I wasn't planning on spending ALL of my money on clothes & shoes, anyway.. didn't need that.. just needed something to spice up my wardrobe a little. Decided to eat at TOKYO, TOKYO. Happy with my left-over money & company of my 2 best friends, decided to treat both of them to late lunch. Ended up spending 600+ for it, much more than I spent on the clothes I bought. Hehe. Well, it was worth it, since I haven't given them gifts yet. Hehehe. Merry Christmas & A happy new year Debs & Cams! wahee!

Anyway, I'm done resting my feet. Left both of them at Cams' while she dressed up because my feet were killing me and I really wanted to unwind for awhile so I decided to blog. Will be going to Eastwood, look at some books probably and just eat at Mcdo. I'm a cheapskate. hehehe. At least right now. Larry Soriano (a friend of my lolo's that I don't really know but he seemed really nice. Bumped into him at my lolo's puntod awhile ago) gave me a fortune dollar envelope, something that really piqued my interest. I plan to continue saving until I reach a million dollars. Don't ask me how, I'll tell you in awhile.

Sige, I have to go back to Cams. hehe. They've been waiting awhile.

TIREEED.

Soothing myself by listening to music...

My playlist:

Fade Into You - Mazzy Star
Silent All These Years - Tori Amos
(They Long To Be Close To You) - The Cranberries

Dang pirated mp3-cd. Tracks aren't complete, plus songs are combined together. Darn-it! But the songs are soooo good

Dropped by mike's site again to get some intellectual stimulation. Got it.. he has written something about FPJ vs. GMA. I felt compelled to react to it. hehehe. Will be posting a reaction in awhile, if I don't get too sleepy.

Spent a lot of money today... rar. I really should save more. I'm a bit sleepy...

I'm actually sick right now, should be upstairs in my bed, sleeping. Only I can't. I feel SOOO restless. I feel like sleep is a waste of time, especially if it's this early. Life has much more to offer me than blackness and empty dreams. I want each second, each minute and hour to count.

Turned on the TV, watched THE SIMPSONS for a short while. Couldn't stomach doing nothing of importance, so I turned it off and looked for a good book to read. Grabbed my mom's "Salvador" book, non-fiction about the terror that was El Salvador in the early 1980s. Had the urge to go visit the country to see if it was all true, if bodies indeed turned up everywhere, even in tourist spots.

Amazing how utterly scared I am of death, and yet I'd still want to visit a place like that (where tourists and civilians supposedly disappear for no reason and end up dead at some side road. Of course, that was in the 1980s, dunno if it still holds true now).

Amazing how I brought up the topic of death and my apprehension for it. I've always been afraid to talk about it, because by acknowledging it, I am acknowledging that someday, I too, shall die.. and there's no knowing when or how.

In fact, one of the real reasons I'm afraid to talk about the subject is that by talking about it, I might call upon it and beckon it, silly as that might sound to you. I don't want to die yet, not now, not soon. There's no reason for me to, but there was no reason for Miko Sotto to either. At the tender age of 21, just out shooting the breeze, he fell to his death. He had much more ahead of him... only to have his life taken away. Same with Rico Yan, same with my Grandfather, same with Tita Gerald and all that was taken from us. There never is a good reason nor a good time. Just shows you how much life can offer if only you grab the chance. I love life. I'm scared that inevitably, life will leave me too someday. Just like everyone and everything you love. Nothing is permanent.

I'm scared of a lot of things... contrary to what my zodiac should embody-- Leo for courage. In fact, when I heard my mom come in I immediately minimized this window and opened emode to cover up the screen. I'm afraid of letting her know my deepest thoughts and fears, knowing that it will worry her and will be an added burden to her already overburdened shoulders. I love her so much and it pains me that sometimes I hurt her with my impatience or my insensitivity. I feel pangs of guilt whenever she is sick and I leave her to blog because I know I can't do anything about it and it hurts to see her hurting. I make up for it though, with numerous hugs and kisses and spontaneous "i love you"s. She's simply the best mom in the whole world.

+++

Skipped resting because I felt the NECESSITY to write. And not just to write anything, like I'm doing now... but to write something that will last, that will make a statement. I stopped reading "Salvador" half-way to pause and look for a pen and paper. I wrote a draft intro to concept-story, one of the many dozens that I've already written and scrapped and stowed and forgotten. I always hide my stories, scared that my mom will read them. In my stories are veiled secrets... and glaring grammatical errors that my mom, an editor and writer herself, will most probably take note of. I'm scared of my mom thinking less of me. She's my #1 fan. Hehehe.

Reviving my old account in stories.com, then. I need to write, I need to. The famous slogan of Nike says it all... "Just do it". There's never a good time for anything, not for death and not for writing. My rationale is, you shouldn't expect that you write something good in the first instant. You keep on writing and scrapping and throwing until you find that one story, that one essay or poem that really captures your heart, your soul. That would be enough to make all your efforts worthwhile.

++++

Maybe it's just me being a Leo acting up, but I have a thirst for greatness. Something that will set me apart from the rest of the crowd. Call me narcissistic or histrionic or KSP or whatever, but I don't want to live an invisible life. What then would've been the whole point of my existence?

I've reached some of my goals, but not in their entirety.

goal to be a published writer...
I've had 2 prayers published in PAGDARASAL, but I was still in gradeschool then and the prayers, although honest, kind of sucked (forgive me for the description. I'm not talking about the prayer itself, but the way it was written). Plus... I really want to write something much more meaningful.. something that will last. This then, doesn't really count. Although I did get boasting rights way back when I was still in GS (we had the book in our library and I'd show it to my friends. hehehe!)

goal to be in a band...
I have been in a band, one of my biggest dreams... and we had some pretty great gigs. We've had people singing our songs and relating to them... but it was pretty short-lived. Our last gig was months ago, and we're all pretty busy with our own stuff like school (all of us, especially Rody), debate (me), swimming (debs), violin (renee), basketball (jonah). Even if we did have gigs, we rarely give our best performance because of our complacency and lack of practice. We've postponed recording already for more than a year, and I sincerely doubt our readiness to record anytime this year. I'm starting to forget some of the lyrics to our songs I still can't imagine pursuing this dream with other people though. And I still believe in the band, in our music. If only I can get them to believe in US again as well.

two of the other big dreams that I haven't even come close to are: a) to become a DJ and b) to become a legislator/president.

Now before you react to the second, let me just state that I'm TRYING to take the steps needed to attain the first one. I'm currently trying to listen to RX regularly so I can get a feel of the music they play... I want to try out for Radio One. hehe. I dont' even know if they still have that program on or if I'd pass, but the good thing is.. I'm already taking the steps needed to achieve it (if ever).

About me becoming a legislator/president.. this has been an old dream that just won't die. Blame it on my lineage or blame it on my idealism, but I sincerely want to serve our country.

I won't do it blindly of course. I took up PolSci as an elective in HS and am taking up Polsci in college right now. Beefing up on world issues through debating (hopefully) and getting rid of the fear of public speaking in the process. Planning to take up Law afterwards so I can be fully knowledgeable about it (needed if I want to be a legislator). Have a few ideas already, but I doubt that even if I win the elections, I'd garner the needed votes in congress to have them push through. Already have a handful of people who promised to vote and campaign for me when the time comes. hehehe. That's just us dreaming, of course But i intend to follow it through. hehehe.

So while I've been writing about fears and frustrations and dreams.. I haven't actually been able to get anything done with my writing. I've decided to revive my writing.com account so I can write without my mom accidently opening it while browsing "My Documents", hehe. I'll go and start writing now.. get a head start on reaching the stars I'll have a book published by 30 if I keep working at it now. hehehe Cya'll.

You are moderately annoying!
Congratulations! There's hope for you, though
not much.


You are probably a nice person, but that doesn't
make up for all this. Yet.


PS - No one cares about your AP History class.


How Annoying Are You In Your Online Diary?
brought to you by Quizilla

... I annoy people? Ouch. hehe. But I guess it IS a bit true... Don't care though, *this is my blog and I'll post what I want to, post what I want to...* ( sung to the tune of that annoying song from problem child -- this is my party and i'll cry when i want to..)

Finished CSI PC game... ironic how I'm so interested in Forensics when I'm afraid of death. hehehe. One of my favorite authors, actually, is Patricia Cornwell (famous for her Scarpetta novels, reminiscent of CSI plots) and one of my fave Discov shows was Medical Detectives (dunno what its schedule is now though). Ironic, too, that I haven't been able to sit and watch one whole episode of CSI. It bores me. The game was fun though.

+++

I am both pissed and happy at how Philippine politics is now turning out.

Party-loyalties are now being thrown out... hurray! With Legarda and Boy Herrera under FPJ's ticket, and with Santiago bolting the opposition for the administration, we'll have two possible outcomes:

1. the administration & opposition will be neutralized. No more impeachments and senate investigations people!!! The lines have been blurred, no more pro/anti-erap in the scramble to get elected.

OR

2. The lines will be blurry between the admin & the opp alright... but it will only make the fight messier! New grudges will be born, even among former friends and allies... and we all know how hard politicians take grudges, seeking revenge even at the expense of our nation's interest.

Here's an example of how messy it can be:
Santiago bolts to LAKAS because of grudge against Legarda AND grudge against her partymates, who picked a former enemy over her & her colleagues to be VP. Won't cure anything though, coz she's still pretty pissed at the administration candidates, not to mention that they probably don't like her that much either. With GMA in dire need of winnable senatoriables though (her roster is a bit.. uh.. trying hard), they just might accept her.

On the other hand, the opposition has split up, with Lacson obviously still against the administration, and yet against the other half of the opposition as well. Meanwhile, GMA's LAKAS isn't doing well either, with lots of defectors to the other side. Roco's popularity ain't helping as well... and you can't necessarily claim that he's neutral: he's been taking potshots at them all... so he's everybody's enemy.

Now there's even talk of a partylist asking for the disqualification of that JIL leader... presumably because of the separation of church & state laws.. and even of GMA. The 2004 elections will sure get messy. In fact, we're all quite messed up now. Paano pa kaya after?

Let's just hope that this party-exchanging ends up neutralizing and in turn, unifying everyone. For our country to succeed, we need unity. And how can we achieve this if our own government is scatter-brained?

At least, that's in my humble opinion. You're welcome to disagree

It's now 7:31 a.m., meaning I've been sitting here for 30 minutes without doing anything.

Just got back from our first morning of walking. Woke my mom up at 6 a.m. today, our new routine. We need a big lifestyle change eversince my lolo passed away. My mom's not working for him anymore, so she can't be late ever again. hehehe. My long-time yaya has gotten a child of her own, and won't be coming back until her baby grows up na daw.. and knowing mommies, that'll probably be 18 years from now or so. My mom still calls me baby.

Enjoying my last day of freedom before classes start tomorrow. Glad I woke up really early, 6:00 a.m. Glad I decided to force my mom to do some walking... we're both in bad need of shaping up. Discovered a billiards/bowling/pingpong/gym place near our house... just the same street. I would never have gone there if we didn't walk around, our car just zips past it. Good thing though... now my friends and I won't have to bum around the house eating chips and pizza for entertainment. We can do some walking and end up bowling yeahhhhh!

Will go to DLSU later to enroll. alone. my friends are all enrolling after lunch, but my mom has her oathtaking at 3, so I have to be out of dlsu by 1 so I can meet up with my mom at her new office. She'll be an undersecretary at DOLE, where my lolo used to work She'll be under my dad's previous boss, the boss that fired him. hehe. Pat Sto. Tomas. The slave-driver. hehehe. Well, that's the nickname I heard some people call her... but she looks pretty nice.

I'm already thinking of what to wear... hehe. Oathtaking will take me to the Malacanang Guest House. Wowww. I'll get inside Malacanang. YEH. FIELDTRIP.

++++

Received a text around 11 pm last night that made me smile.

"Goodnight "

So simple, yet it made me smile from ear to ear for about a minute and a half. I even paused from reading Frank McCourt's Angela's Ashes, because my eyes were crinkling up from all the smiling and the pages were getting blurry.

Hehehe.

I'm not usually that shallow, of course (although I take pride in being shallow... it is in simplicity that you see the beauty of life.. yadayada)
I don't smile like a psycho at every Goodnight message I receive. It's just that... well, it felt like he never left. I'm not talking about my ex here okay, i'm talking about my on-again-off-again-crush. SANTA CLAUS. hehehe. HAHAHAHA. What a code-name.

Before he left for a trip abroad he'd usually text me goodmorning and goodevening and goodnight. hahaha. That required a little work on my part though, coz he's a bit shy (or at least I think so). I didn't actually know when he would be coming back, I only knew that classes would start for them soon, so I was pretty surprised when I got his message. It wasn't like, "Heyyy I'm back", coz he's a bit formal and doesn't text like that. He simply said "goodnight ", probably anticipating that I was about to go to sleep (which I wasn't).

Replied and texted back and forth about how his vacation went. I ran out of load in the process (damn pre-paid!). Used my mom's fone to text him, told him I ran out of load and that we'll just text again sometime. Told him Goodnight as well, he's probably tired from the trip and I might be keeping him up. I waited for a reply, but seeing none, I went back to reading my book.

After 30 minutes or so, he replies.

"Its late. I still have stuff to do. Goodnight then. I hope to see you soon because I miss you "

GAHH! haha. that made me smile even longer! wahaha! It wasn't the usual "I hope to see you guys again soon because I miss you all", because then that would be plural right? And it wasn't in past tense either! So I was like, dang. Good thing I didn't have load. I wouldn't know how to reply. Hehehe!

+++++

Thing is, my friends are questioning the process by which I get to like guys.
I was texting with Debbie last night, same time as I was texting Santaclaus (my sometimes-crush)... and I told her that I think I like him again, precisely because I felt a bit giddy when he texted me Goodnight. hehehe.

She replied, "Patay ka kay Cams" ("Cams will kill you"). Debs and Cams are my 2 bestfriends. They don't like my taste in clothes, nor my taste in guys. Hehehe. And I like it that way. hahaha! Para walang agawan! hehe

My crushes come k'se in different faces and sizes. hehe. they come in different skin-colors too, although I actually prefer fairer ones (sometimes too fair that they look a bit girl-y. wahhhh! F4! F4! hehe). Thing is, looks aren't enough to hold my attention for very long. If it were, then I'd just have crushes on the hot guys I see on TV... or in the corridors of La Salle. But it's just not enough, y'know? What is a crush but a pre-cursor to liking, and how can you like someone you can't even have a decent conversation with?

I say, if you like a person because of their looks, then get their picture and stare at it until you puke. Hehe. Looks will fade, but personality and intellect and wit won't. I pride myself in seeing beyond the physical, I pride myself in seeing possibilities-- be it in my ukay-ukay finds or in my taste in guys, i'm proud. But sometimes constantly being in the defensive takes its toll. Makes me a bit hesitant, at times, even embarassed because I don't like the scrutiny.

Why can't people accept differences as a normality? I like being different, yes... but I don't like being treated as one. I don't like the "interrogations" or "20 questions" that come with it, nor do I like the gawks and jeers of people who aren't close to me. hehehe. Thanks, though, to people who have stuck by me inspite of them. Thanks to those who like me for being different, and who are different themselves. You know who you are *HUGZZZZ*

Supposedly, I was going to rattle and ramble about what I like in guys, but I guess there really is not that much to feed on. I have my standards, my "wishlist" if you may, but that's no use as has been proven in the past. If you like him, you like him. If you don't, you don't. You'll just feel it. You don't need a piece of paper for that.

++++++++

Have to get dressed for my 10:30 enrollmenttt! I hope I get to bump into arose in school, although I doubt it... and even if I did, how would I know who she is? hehehe! I wonder if we really look like our pictures here on the net I know I don't. hehe. I remove my glasses when I have my pix taken, plus, that's some pretty twisted smile from me. Para akong nanggagago. Hehehe. To my dear, beloved friends from the real world: agree/disagree? hehehe! Mwaaahh! Sigehhh!

Hehehe. I've been included in some photographs and videoclips that might be shown on the news later or tomorrow. Hehe, it's a pretty tiny bit though, 'coz it's not really front-page material, but still. Rarely am I in the news, lagi lang akong saleng-ketket. hehehe

Actually, my stint at Malacanang was a "saling-pusa" thing again. I was the daughter, so I had to be right beside my mom to give her moral support. hehehe. They even asked for my name, yey! Haha, my name might be included in one of those L-R things under newsphotos Whatever. Maybe it won't even be in the newspapers at all! hehehe.

+++

It was my first time inside Malacanang... I've been invited to go there before as a tag-along, but I declined, having a prior engagement to attend to. I now regret not going that day, seeing that it was a rare opportunity. The president herself no less was there, awarding my lolo with a medal for public service. I'm not regretting missing the occasion just because the president was there... I regret not having been there to see my lolo receive that historical award.

Anyway, back to my first visit in malacanang.. hehe.. At first I was disappointed, because I thought it was amongst the shanties (it's supposed to be all regal, right?)... but then that wasn't Malacanang Proper itself as it turned out to be.

I didn't exactly step inside Malacanang Palace, just at the guesthouse which now serves as the Executive Secretary's office. It used to be Erap's Malacanang too, since he decided to live there instead of at the real palace. I realized I was in a historical place... where Erap left on a barge, supposedly on leave... I remember watching it from the TV.. and now I was in the same place, same house.

It was also where Bush stayed while he was here. He didn't really stay overnight, just for a couple of hours. He changed his clothes there, got some rest maybe... our footsteps grace these halls-- both his and mine. He's one of the most powerful men in the world, and here I am... just a tag-along, hugging my mommy.

We had to wait awhile for the Executive Secretary to come down. Apparently he was in a meeting... my enrollment was on hold, I couldn't enroll until after the Exec Sec is done with his meeting and will perform the oathtaking ceremony for my mom. The difference between being important and being ordinary is just so striking. Here I was, in Malacanang amidst all the shanties. Here I was, a teenager, amongst all the bigshots: people from the DFA, from DOLE, from the media. I felt so out of place, and yet so at home at the same time.
After waiting for an hour, the ceremony begins... and ends quickly. Quick reading of the oath, go to the table for the signing, and a bit of chit-chat in the sofa for the photo-op and I'm free to go to back to my ordinary life. No more big, expensive chandeliers to gaze at. No more cute, little sandwiches served by waters on golden trays that make them look more expensive then they really are. No more marble floors, no more Executive Secretaries to wait for, no more fidgeting around, thinking of what to do or how to act.

(Amidst all the glitz, I wore a P100 ukay-ukay dress matched with black open-toed heels. It seemed to do the trick though, coz my Aunt commented positively on it, even asking where I got it. Cute daw, bagay. hehe. Amazing how an elegant place automatically makes people inside look elegant. Even a beggar couldn't look pitifully poor if made to sit in one of those cushy italian sofas)

+++++++

Missed my friends, missed lasalle

I was a bit anxious to see my friends again, particularly because I was scared that things have changed. All vacation we rarely texted, and when we did, we ran out of things to say. My grandfather's death, compounded by the happiness of the season, made it hard for them to think of what to say. That, and I was always out of load during the holidays. Hehehe. Too busy with Tabulas to think about trivial matters as a cellfone with no load.

Met up with them at Robplace Manila... we couldn't stop talking. Where one's sentence finished, another's began. We talked in high-pitched voices, gushing at almost everything that happened during the vacation. We laughed at our round bellies, and no, not because we're pregnant, but because of too much fiesta ham.

We bumped into Ogge on the way out. Hmm. Nice new haircut. He looked pretty cute and buffed. Hehehe. Complimented him, and seemed like he was a bit embarassed about it. hehe. No matter. I like giving out compliments. It's nice to make people know they're appreciated.
Texted Santaclaus, hrm... he's probably busy, he wasn't replying much or when he did, it was short and choppy. This is why sometimes I don't like him. hehehe. I just couldn't tell what was going through his head. I texted him something enthusiastic, basically telling him that I'm picking up ND and Asha because I had to enroll and I didn't know how to. And then he replies, "So what do you want of to do?"... knowing that he uses the dictionary to text, I concluded that his text actually was "So what do you want me to do?". Abaaa. Ang sungit. hahaha. To save both of us from embarassment, I sent his msg to him back and told him that I couldn't understand what he was trying to say. Hehehe.

His friend texted me though, told me that Santaclaus likes me. How'd he know? Well, Santaclaus told him. *hehehe. sidecomment: Santaclaus is a funny nickname for a guy you like.* But I still don't know what to make of it. Sometimes he's cold, sometimes he's nice and sweet. Dang, men are as hard to understand as women (hehe, kidding).

Now I don't know what to think, or how to feel. Dum-dee-dum. Let's wait and see.

+++++++

To end this Tabulas entry... here are my 2 headlines for today:

My mom is now an Undersecretary at DOLE. If you see any article on the newspapers that resembles a headline like that, try and see if there are any pictures and look for me. hehe. If you see me, tell me which page and newspaper, okay? I'll clip it. hehehe. I'm so corny. hahaha.

My crush (?) might be crushing on me as well. Hehe. But that needs more investigation. Not to say that it didn't come from a credible source, but "like" is such a broad word. Let's not jump to conclusions yet. hehe.

I already typed 4 paragraphs of an entry only to accidentally close the window I was working on. Damn!! RARARARAR! Carelessness. I thought my mom was approaching k'se, eh I didn't want her to know that I had an online journal, coz then all my secrets would then be exposed! hehehe. So I closed some of the windows (I had around 7 Tabulas windows open at that time. Talk about ADDICTED) and accidentally clicked on the one I was working on as well. DARN IT DARN IT DARN IT.

+++

Another DARN IT: MY PICTURE DOESNT LOOK GOOD!!! haha! Given that it's not exactly ME that's supposed to be photographed (it's my mom's eventtt)... I shouldn't be complaining. I should be thankful that I was even included. Butttt it just doesn't do anything for my ego. wahaha! The angle's all wrong, my hair isn't even tucked, and the camera + my dress added extra weight (yeahhh right!) hehehe! Darn it. Pero okay lang. Hmph. At least front page sa Bulletin! Wahaha!

I suggested to my mom that we should have it clipped. Ako ba naman inutusan. hehehe. Sabi ko, hindi, sige, wag na lang. Hehehe. I didn't feel like looking for scissors

++++

Another Darn it: oh yeah, I've been baptized a new name by some mistaken journalists. My name is now ESTRELLE.
++++

Something to be happy about: ITS THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL TODAY!!! I'm pretty excited, having missed my classmates... but I'm also a bit anxious as to the types of teachers that we'll be having.

Today, I have Earth Science Lecture, General Psychology, JP Rizal and Earth Science Laboratory. Kind of a heavy day... starts at 9:20 and ends at 5:30, but what the hell. hehehe. I love Lasalle. I don't mind staying in school up to 10, just as long as I like the people I'm with (and I usually do. Lasallians are great people

Thing is, I woke up at 3 a.m. awhile ago. I couldn't sleep... I was scared again, out of my wits actually. I couldn't close my eyes coz all kinds of thoughts (scary ones) were entering my head, like faces from the grudge and stuff. And when I opened them naman, I was worried na I might see something. I couldn't sleep, so I figured I'll drag someone down with me. My mom was out of the question of course... she was tired and had to work early pa in the coming morning. So I woke up my two dogs. Deliberately. At least, pag nakakita ako ng mumu, meron akong mapipisil. hehehe.

When that didnt work, read Angela's Ashes. My alarm was set to 4 o'clock, so yeah.. when it rang, i started arranging my stuff and picking out what to wear (which I have to say is weird again)... and then did a jane fonda exercise at 5 to kill the time. by 6:30 I was already up and dressed and ready to go.. and now it's 7:30 a.m. and I'm still blogging here. I'll be leaving in awhile.

Funny how early I wake up during the start of the term, and how late I wake up during the end of the term that I end up missing most of my morning subjects. hehehe. Bumabawi, ika nga.

++++

To wrap everything up...

The DARNITS are:
- this is my 2nd post coz I accidentally erased the first one
- i looked fat in the photos. I'll just really have to lose some weight hehe.
- my name was misspelled
- first day of school today

YES!!-itz:
- I still got to post, nyehehe.
- may frontpage dude! Bulletin! haha! tapos nasa TV rin daw. nyaks!
- my name is wonderful. It's french for Star. hehe. At least I think so
- FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL TODAY!!! I missed my friends & classmates & lasalle

oh well. Plus! I'm not going to be late today. MWAHAHA.

Sige, yun lang, bago pa ko matraffic

This is how Tabulas Crazy I am:

Last night, I was dead tired but I went online anyway, to post my entry for the day. Made it really long (unconsciously, not deliberately. hehe. a lot of things happened yester), so much so that my internet card expired (after i've been using it for days) just before I pressed the "submit" button.

I wouldn't quit. hehe. I asked our maid to accompany me to the nearest gas station, about a block away, outside our village gates, just to look for an internet card. While this might be standard for some of you guys... I don't normally walk unless it's inside the campus or along taft with my friends. I'm a lazy human being. If mike is the prince of sloth, I'm the queen... not that Im his or anyone else's mother. hehe. but that's another story

Anyway, got there, no net card. Damn it! and damn this computer too! I'm at a netcafe right now in Robinsons Place manila because I don't know if the P50 netcard I bought will work when I get at home. This way, I'm sure I get to post, even if it's an added expense.

+++

Wore the necklace my crush gave me to school today, along with my P20 robe-like silk jacket that everyone loved. Hehehe. Oh yeah, didn't I tell you? My crush gave me a necklace, or an amulet as he likes calling it. hehehe. He put it inside a barf-bag. Pretty weird, but I dig it. hehe. Anyway, the problem issss.... when our common friends saw it, they knew immediately where it was from. Apparently, either they all bought it together or it was given to them as a uniform, souvenir gift. Hehehe. I was trapped. They kept on asking me where I got it, but I didn't want to answer... I didn't want to further incriminate myself. hehe. Im never wearing this thing to school again! hehehe!

Made me think about how weird I am. hehe. I hate being teased!! Especially to a guy I like. Nakakahiya. Hehehe. That was one of the reasons why I decided to keep my first bf a secret from almost all of our common friends. hehe. I don't like getting noticed in that manner. I like attention sometimes, yes... but not in that area. hehehe. Ayun, so imagine my discomfort these days when people are zeroing in on who I really like.

Napaisip tuloy ako, maybe I should look for a guy with whom I share no common friends with. hehe. that way, no one pays us any attention! yey!!! the perfect relationship. wahahaha! or maybe it's just good in my head ewan. I just don't like the teasing, period.

+++

Did two good deeds today. was a "proponent" as mike would put it.

1. initiated some small talk with our new classmate, Joe - he's new, from california, and apparently he's pissed off at how our college works... precisely because he doesn't understand much tagalog, and his teachers keep on speaking it, as well as his classmates. when he complained to our teacher though, he was a bit assholic. our whole class was pissed, even dishing out cruel side comments. decided to befriend him, coz i think i know how he's feeling. i'm sure his behavior was just a defense mechanism... i'm sure he just feels out of place and maybe by making him feel welcome it'll help him realize that DLSU isn't such a bad place

2. gave 1 peso to the stranger behind me at the counter - overheard him asking his sister for 1 peso, so I volunteered mine. he seemed pretty surprised and pleased at the same time... made my day!

+++

this keyboard is pissing me off. the shift key keeps on sinking in. damn it.

anyway, now the "mother" story.

yesterday, someone asked me if i was pregnant.

shit!!! haha. all the guys looked at me when I said "yes" out of spite. I wasn't really pissed with the question, just surprised. Did I gain that much weight?!?! hehehe.

Who cares? hehehe. my clothes fit, and if time comes when they don't, i can always buy new ones. if a guy doesnt like me coz i'm not slim n sexy, then he's not worth it. if I cant find a guy who'll like me as me... well. uhm. girls? hehehe! HOT LESBIAN ACTION! haha joke lang!

+++

i'll take a rest muna from posting (for now).. i'll browse muna at sites, my fingers and arms are killing me. comment to universalcafe: this whole high-chair and desk-drawer-keyboard concept isn't really good for your customer's posture. blehhas;dkfja;dgh!

He finally asked me out. Or at least I think that's what he did. haha. Sabi n'ya, I owed him a movie daw since I wasn't able to go last time. He asked me if I'd like to go watch a movie sometime, sagot ko lang "sure". Good thing a friend of mine asked me a question at about that time, so I was able to evade the question of "when" and "what movie". hehe. planning and decision-making make me uncomfortable, especially when it's with someone I'm not fully comfortable with.

+++

So yeah, I'm not really that comfortable with him yet. I was, before. But now, I'm not. When he entered the room awhile ago, I couldn't even look at him straight. He tried talking to me, but after a bit of small-talk, I excused myself and headed to the washroom. I was scared that the rest of the room would notice us talking and would tease us non-stop, and I've already ran out of witty replies.

+++

Ironically, while talking about the birth of stars and the infinite expansion of the universe, I chanced upon two realizations:

1. There is a God. There's just no other way to explain everything.

2. I'm happy to be single. I really am.

The freedom can be a little bit lonesome at first, even a bit terrifying.. but there's just a whole lot more you can do when you're single than when you're off the market. I'm not saying that lots of guys are interested in me, heck, I'd be lucky to have even just one who's looking at me seriously, but... I don't know. Just playing with the thought of prospects in your head can be fun. Hehehe. You don't have to feel guilty about it if you're unattached.

Second, I just feel so loved right now... by everyone, especially from my debate and college friends. A friend of mine boycotted their gigs eversince she saw me cry. My debate-buddies, who know my quirks and accepts them, help me cross the street and wait for me to get picked up by my ride. We hug each other a lot. Talk to each other a lot, text a lot. I bought load yesterday in the afternoon just to have it consumed entirely before the night was over. Who needs a boyfriend when the whole world loves you even better?

+++

Gotta call Kaka. I miss her and love her to bits and pieces No I'm not lesbo, no I'm not bi. I just love Kax, she is my sister. *mwahugz*

Thanks to Mike for being my constant reader and commentator. hehe. You rock *hugz*

THE PERFECT GUY SURVEY:

1. hair color - natural.
2. eye color - brown or whatever his real eye color is
3. height - a bit taller than me, if possible. hehehe
4. six pack - uhm, nope. hehehe. I don't like muscular super-human guys. hehehe. at least I don't think I do. hehehe
5. long or short hair - basta cleancut
6. glasses - sure, why not?
7. piercings - one stud is okay, preferrably in the eyebrow or in the cartilage of the ear. Anywhere else, especially if it's on the tongue or on the nipples (yessss I know someone who has nipple rings and yesss I had a crush on him before... emphasis on BEFORE) is a no-no.
8. scars - it's okay but preferrably none, unless it's peculiarly shaped like a moon-crest or something hehehe.
9. eyebrows - normal looking.
10. big butt or little - normal butt. hehehe. If you're chubby and you have a little but, that would be weird, kinda caricature-like.
11. chest hair - as much as possible, God please no.
12. buff or skinny - in between. I like huggable guys. if they're too buffed I'd be scared to hug them coz they'd look too intimidating. hehe.
13. straight teeth, gap, or braces - straight.
14. funny or serious - funny and serious.
15. party or stay at home - more on stay at home... hehe. I don't like parties much
16. should he cook or bake ? wee, that would be a plus I don't know how, eh.
17. should he have a best friend ? depends on him, but I guess it would help. it would also be nice if it was me
18. should he have a lotta girlfriends ? hmm, that would be okay, just as long as he doesn't flirt with them outright. hehe.
19. outgoing or shy - hmm.. a little bit outgoing but not too much.
20. sarcastic or sincere - sincere, of course. But if his sarcasm is part of his humor, then yey, that's okay.
21. should he love his mother ? yup... I guess. Hehe.
22. should he watch chick flicks ? uhm, no. hehe. unless when I ask him to. hehe. it would be weird for a guy to be watching She's all that, all by himself. hehe.
23. should he be a smoker ? I hope not
24. would he drink ? rar... I hope not, although it's hard to find a guy who doesn't drink!!!
25. would he swear ? a little swearing doesn't really hurt, just as long as it doesn't go overboard. plus, should be at the right timing. hehe. if he curses in front of my mom, he'd be dead. hehehe.
26. would he play with your hair ? erm, that would be weird, but I guess it's okay.
27. one or more girls at a time ? N-O.
28. would he pay for dates ? Not really, I'd pay for some.
29. does he kiss on the first date ? N-O. hehe. That would earn him a slap in the face (call me conservative wahehe)
30. where would you go to dinner ? fastfood. wahehe. I'm not comfortable eating in front of guys, especially if it's formal.
31. would he bring you flowers ? that'd be sweet.
32. would he lay under the stars with you ? star-gazing, pwede. lay under the stars... in manila?! I don't think that's possible. hehehe.
33. would he write poetry about you ? he could, but it should be heartfelt and not trying hard to rhyme. hehe.
34. would he call you hunny, sweetie, or baby ? definitely not those three, but yeah, maybe we can have a special name for each other. Yeeeek. hahaha.
35. would he hang out with you and YOUR friends ? YES.
36. would you hang out with him and HIS friends ? yup.. hehe. depends on what they'd be doing.
37. will he walk you to the door at the end ? yupyup.
38. holding hands ? yup.
39. soccer - ok lang.
40. baseball - no...
41. basketball - no!
42. football - I don't think we have that here..
43. water polo - hmm.. wow. hehehe. I don't even know what this is, but I guess it would be okay.
44. surf - nope..
45. skateboard - I hope not..
46. snowboard - we don't have snow here..
47. sing - that'd be nice
48. play guitar - that would also be nice! hehehe.
49. play piano - erm.. that would be okay, but I prefer the guitar.
50. play drums - coool yey!
51. clean his room - a little, but not too obssessive-compulsive about it..
52. paint, draw, sculpt - wow. yey, sure. especially if its painting.
53. writes his own music - yesss. so he can write me one. hehehe I'd write a song for him too! wahehe!
54. use the word dude - it's okay, I use it. Not too much though.
55. use the word tight - Hope not.
56. would he watch the sun rise with you ? that would be okay, if he can force me to wake up that early.
57. what kind of car does he drive ? anything that has four wheels and looks safe to go into... preferrably a car and not a stainless jeep. I hope it's not a racing-car as well. hehe.
58. how old is he - maybe one or two years older?
59. what would his name be ? I don't know.. hehe. Any name would do.
60. what is one requirement he'd HAVE to meet? This might sound cheesy, but of course, I should love him and he should love me. Nothing else matters if that's the case. This was just a wishlist, and something to occupy my time. hehehe.

Got the quiz from oddfish. Check her site out, she has a nice blog

Answering the perfect guy survey made me think: What do I really want in a guy? I know I just said I'm happy being single, and I am. That's because whatever void the former love of my life left, was filled with the different friends I've made over the past 3 months.

Let me describe to you what I really like in a guy, and tell me if you see yourself in any of my descriptions. If so, then you are one of the people who've helped me get over him. It doesn't matter if you're a guy or a girl, if you've done any of these for me, I'd just like to thank you, coz you've made my life more meaningful and special than all prospects and crushes combined. One person can hardly fulfill these all, but the combination of all my friends and loved ones in life can, and that's what makes you all special. Thanks.

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I'd like someone I can have long conversations with... about anything. Someone who's both serious and yet funny/witty at the same time, someone who knows how to laugh and who's not afraid to express his opinion, even if it goes against mine. I'd want someone who's sensitive, who knows when silence is the best word one can offer me. Someone I can just spend hours with doing nothing of significant importance, just enjoying "bumming out" with each other. I'd appreciate most someone I can be comfortable with and someone who could be equally comfortable with me. Di na kelangang magisip pa ng sasabihin, di na kelangan pang magplano ng gagawin... ganon ka-komportable

I'd like someone I can drag to unusual places... Manila Zoo and rooftops, art galleries and free gigs, gardens and parks and simple sidewalks. I'd like someone who wouldn't care if we were to blow bubbles in eastwood on a Saturday night, or play guitar in the middle of Robinsons and sing with careless abandon. I'd like someone who can dream of these things with me, who can cook up wacky things to do like jump across the Philippine isles through the large map drawn in luneta, or order bottomless drinks at Carl's Jr and play S.O.S and PANTS until they close.

+++++++++++++
BRB Mr. Brahma Kumaris called. hahaha! Mike Beltran is not only an interesting TABULAS-writer, he's also a great conversationalist. You rock Mike! To everyone reading this, don't mistake our mutual admiration for each other's personalities as mutual attraction. hehe. Mike's just one really cool guy, and I'm glad to have met him! Cheers!
+++++++++++++

I'd like a guy with imagination and intellect... a guy who can just disappear into a new world with me. I know I sound so cliche, I know I sound like a hopeless romantic or a highly-deluded girl, but I don't know... I just want someone who can see the beauty of life as I do, someone to share it with and thank the heavens, because even if I don't have that guy... I've found that someone in all of you. Thanks everyone. I love you all.

my mom wants me to sleep now because it's two, but I just can't help posting.

Just chatted with mike awhile ago.. lupet. He made me smile, and laugh.. and feel better about myself. I know that there's a possibility that this comfortable atmosphere between the two of us is just a product of the shield of anonymity that the internet offers us, but nonetheless I am thankful I have met him. Idol!

Went to an ukay-ukay shop again awhile ago. bought again, rar *no self control*. bought a cool vest for only P5.00. That can't even be converted to dollars, it's that cheap.

Went to a VTR to support my friend. It was at eastwood, for a vj stint. I wanted to try out but did not have the body nor the looks to do so. hehehe. But I think I had the personality for it. Imagine Jessica Zafra-Kris Aquino dishing out your in-betweens. hehe. I look like Jessica, and yet act and dress like Kris (even though I hate to admit it). Yeeech. What happened to my gothic-phase? hehe.. it's been replaced by rainbow-brite-stage. Kanina I wore a purple shirt (ukayyy!) with a tie-dye orange-yellow-purple-pink-lightblue skirt! talk-about colorful ayun. hehe.

my two not-so-new addictions: tabulas & ukay-ukay. someone help me. hehehe.

love you all. Today was a great day.

Today has been a pretty uneventful day.

Owing to my late night (or early morning, since I ended up sleeping at around 2 a.m.) internet stint, I woke up awhile ago at 11 a.m. Mike teased me saying he slept at 3 and woke up even earlier, but I don't care.. hehe. Sleep is not a contest. It's a necessity. (Tabulas addicts, take heed! hehe! Including you mikeee! haha) I even feel like sleeping already right now, since my class tomorrow is at 7 and calculating the distance of pasig to taft plus the time it takes me to get ready... I'll need to wake up at 4 and leave the house at 6.

Caught up with some of my relatives who had a hard time waking as well. We met at the cemetery where my grandfather was buried. It looked a whole lot different. What was once flat land was now a small flat hill, reminiscent of golfing mounds. It wasn't yet covered with grass, so it was just rough red soil, covering my Grandfather and his earthly grave. there were sticks to mark the edges of where he is, and flowers on top of it. It seemed so humble for a man so grand. I felt selfish as I refused to step on the mound, worried that my long skirt might get soiled, sand would enter my sandals and ants would come bite my vulnerable feet. My mom wore her new shoes (with heels) and climbed the mound... my cousin was also there with her, wearing a nice dress and open-toed heels as well. I felt less of a grandchild, a daughter than they were... but I decided to stand my ground and accept my selfishness. I could pray for Lolo from a distance. I didn't have to pretend, he'd understand... he always had.

Ate lunch at Max's. Had the budget meal with shanghai rice. My cousin, Diana, passed her ACET with flying colors and I am so very proud of her I never doubted for one second that she wouldn't be able to get into the school of her dreams. Even though it is our supposed rival school, I'm sure it won't come between us. Blood is thicker than water and UAAP games. Besides, Ann and I have been through a lot, and I love her like my own little sister.

Got home after going to Galle and Vidmax... was originally planning a day of pigging out with my mom (she claims that she misses me so much... and I'm sure she does hehehe!) when suddenly duty calls, literally. Someone from malacanang calls her up on her cell and gives her some work to do, so our lazy sunday afternoon was disturbed.. we usually term sundays "mommy-baby day" since it's the only day of the week when she and I aren't busy... most probably because our drivers take their day off then and we're left with each other's company. hehe. plus, we're just sweet that way

so while she worked with the comp downstairs, stayed upstairs and read MALATE, the dlsu-literary folio. It was the first time I read it in depth, devouring each poem again and again.. trying to understand the reasons for the metaphors, the breaks, the spaces. Gave my own interpretations to it, shaped each one to fit my own life. Looked at the pictures and the artworks, looking for hidden meanings... read the short stories and wondered how long the authors took to write them. I am awed with artists (including poets and writers). Their capacity to milk each experience, no matter how simple, of its beauty (or despair.. depending on the mood) just makes you look at things differently. Your life could be your own work of art, your biggest masterpiece even. It's all in your frame of mind (punnn. wahoo!) hehe.

Watched discov channel and discovered A LOT (glad to know that discovery channel lives up to its name). Nationalgeo is boring but discov isnt. Watched this documentary about people who've undergone anesthesia and still felt the excruciating pain. Apparently, mixed with anesthesia is a paralyzing-medicine, so even though they were in soooo much pain (imagine feeling as if you're being dissected), they couldn't cry out and they just had to endure the whole experience. It scared me A LOT. Pain is something I'm really afraid of, more so than the uncertainty of what awaits you after death.

Also got to watch FAKING IT, Discov's MTV-type show wherein they give you a certain amount of time to fit in your role. The role at that time was Portia, a drag queen, to be faked by a perfectly-straight male. He was a bit awkward but I loved seeing the transformation.. especially when he had to learn to walk in heels and when they had to shave his eyebrows. Yeaaaah! Feel our pain.
(and our beauty. hehe.)

Last, watched THE FITNESS CHALLENGE (also on discov).. a contest wherein you're supposed to lose weight and make the most healthy and positive life-change. You see people bigger (and by that I mean horizontally) and older than you, of both male and female gender, working out HARD and eating right and quitting smoking and drinking. Whoa. Definitely a motivation for me. Started doing leg-raises and stretches while watching the whole thing. Hehe. Figured I wouldn't be guilty of being a couch-potato if I did my part, even if it was just a tiny smidgeon of what they were doing. My mom came up right about then and asked me if I wanted to use the internet, and here I am... tabul-ing away. She asked me if I wanted to eat pizza, too... I couldn't say no to that. Shakey's pa naman. It doesn't matter if I gain weight, just as long as I'm happy.

Highlight of my day... seeing a message from ate Nina here at my tab. Of course, Kahel (kaka) and the others who've tagged me are highly appreciated, but I've been friends with Ate Nina ever since I was in Highschool, and she's helped me through a lot. I met her through the net, but our friendship didn't just stay in cyberspace. In fact, I'll post a picture of us together here. I love her a lot, a lot, a lot. and I'm happy she's not pissed with me. I really thought she was. hehe. Ate, if you ever get to see this, the Badon painting you've given me is right beside the computer, and the crocheted cap and silver dollar is still with me too Sorry if I haven't sent you anything yet... hehe. I will soon. I love you love you love you. you're the best!

... don't go thinking I'm a lesbo now. I might have had my tendencies when I was younger, but that was simply because of the lack of guys within our school's radius. Hehehe. College, though, has definitely straightened me out. yeyyy.

Lest I draw controversies from some of you here.. I had crushes on girls who looked like true guys, okayyy? we had those in abundance. hehe. so.. don't worry if you're pretty. I might be envious of you, but I definitely am not dreaming of you. Will be studying for psych now. We have a quiz tomorrow and I know nothing yet. P.E. will be tomorrow at 7... please God make it an easy sport. I'm begging you.

Will post later if I have the time. Bye!

haha. I couldn't wait 'till tomorrow to post.

In fact, I was already upstairs when he called... I was on the other line with Camille, when our maid called me downstairs because THE guy was on the line. Ooooh. haha. Didn't ditch camille though, went on talking to her but when we did hang-up, I immediately asked my maid more details about the guy who called.

After a lot of questioning, I realized it was him. It was Santaclaus. Hehe. He told our maid he'd call again... and I texted him and asked him if he was the one who called. He replied in the affirmative and told me he'll call right now.

I didn't give him my number. hehe. We don't have a directory yet, so I'm guessing he had asked around for it. I didn't really push the issue as to where he got my # because I sensed his uncomfortability at the topic, but he just said he got it through "contacts". I smell the collaboration of certain common friends we share. hehe. Anyway, I appreciate the effort and guts it took for him to call me up without even texting beforehand. Surprise, surprise! What a surprise indeed. hehehe

I'm sure other people won't think of it as a big deal. So what, a guy called. So what, so what, so what. hehehe. It's just.. I have this impression of him that he's the prim and proper guy, y'know.. very shy. And he is. He's very polite and gentleman-ly... it's just not like him to ask for my # from someone and call out of the blue. He didn't even have a reason for calling. hehe. well, any other reason then pure boredom I guess. So there, perhaps this day wasn't that uneventful afterall.

Only thing though, is... well. I like guts in a guy. But I also like humor and wittiness... the conversation awhile ago was quite "academic". hehehe. I'm not used to being the one cracking the jokes... I suck at that. hehehe. There were some pretty awkward silences in between, and I hate awkwardness. But I guess this can be improved on. His call DID make me smile. At least he's making the effort. that's all that matters right now.

+++

have mixed emotions about not attending anne's surprise birthday party. I really wanted to go, but being poor in time management, I scheduled 3 outings that day, and I didn't know about anne's bday party until that day, so I couldn't squeeze it in as the 4th. Bought her a gift though, a gift that I haven't given to her yet... so it's not any consolation.

anyway, mixed emotions because:

- all our friends were there.. splitcide, aroma, silent sanctuary..

but then my ex was there as well, with his new gf. I know I said I'm over him, but I still can't help but think that when I see him again, especially with her in his arms, I'll still fall for him and end up home, alone, and with a broken heart.

I wanted so much to ask Camille if they looked as if they were happy. A part of me wishes that they're not, a part of me wishes that they are. Me being Estelle, always wanting to be good, pushes for the latter frame of mind. They deserve to be happy, both of them. And I deserve happiness too, even if it's with another person.

Besides, he's not even cute. hehe. Ask Mike. Mike will say he looks "mabait". hehe. My friend tried to cheer me up by saying that they deserve each other. Magkamukha raw sila, bagay. Ewan ko ba.. I know I shouldn't even think of that because I'm not that pretty either... and she still got chosen over me, so that still makes her better in some respects.

I think the thing that stings me now is that I can't have him. It's not that I want him back, it's just that even if I did, I wouldn't be able to get him. hehehe. It's this feeling of impotence (excuse me for the term) now that I hate the most.

My previous statement still stands. I'm happy to be single right now, I really am. The minor pains that I'm still experiencing, the what-ifs that sometimes pop in my head... it adds spice and drama to my life, making it even more exhilirating to think of the other possibilities that lie in store. As Katz said, God has plans for each and every one of us. We just don't know it yet. Pain and doubt are needed for growth, and I think... I know, that I am slowly but surely growing

Besidesssss... SANTACLAUS (my somtimes-crush) called!!! Isn't that fun? hehehe. I wish I could bring out his sense of humor though.. hehe. wee. but we can't have 'em all, can we? no we can't... wee! so I'll be happy about that muna. I love you all! *hugz* *hugz*!

Tirrrrrreeeeed... but happy.

My day started early, woke up at 4 for a 7 a.m. class... which I ended being 1 hour late for anyway. Aced the psych quiz, thanks to Mike's faith in me and my classmate's generosity (not with her answers but with her book. hehe. I haven't been able to buy a book yet). Survived an hour in boring JPRizal (a branch of Philippine History) and ended up bumming around our house with my 2 college friends, Asha and ND.

Watched Sliding Doors with them... man, that movie just makes me think. It kind of answers my questions about free will and fate. If fate exists, then how do we explain the small decisions that we make... i.e, choosing not to wake up early, or choosing to skip this class, or choosing to text a certain someone. You can't say that it has all been planned by fate because you question yourself right before you act-- you are knowledgeable of choices available. Looking at the bigger picture though, maybe everything IS pre-planned. Your small, minute decisions might delay destiny, but it can only postpone it, not prevent it entirely. Or maybe fate is just a human construct to make us feel less anxious about decision-making... after all, fate will serve as our safety-net if and when we make a wrong choice. Mannn.. conflicting ideologies and beliefs. Questions just swirl in my head. I wonder, what is life and what is it really for?

My eyes are getting heavy but I'll just post some updates on Santa. hahaha. Christmas is over but merry-making has only just begun. hehehe. Saw him peeping through the window while we were at debate training... to some, that might seem creepy but it was downright comical to me. hehe. I wonder how he looked like to the rest of the people in the corridor... crouching in front of the door like that. He ducked and hid when he saw me glance at him. Hehe. Astig. Hide and seek... only I didn't seek him. hehehe.

Left early and went to greenbelt with my uncle. He called my cell, curiously upbeat asking our whereabouts. I informed him that I was in greenbelt, and he responded by asking where. hehe. I don't know if he had any intention to follow, but just to be sure I told him that I was at Italianni's eating dinner with my uncle. hehe.

He's been texting my close friend a lot recently... in fact, even more than he has been texting me. Apparently, while he asks about me, she asks about his schoolmate, also a crush of hers. But it looks like they have much more to talk about than we do.. hehe. I don't think that's such a good sign, and what's worse is, I'm not even feeling jealous. Does that mean I don't really like him? hehehe.

How do you know when you like a guy, really? Hrm... I can't seem to distinguish the feeling by myself. hehe. Girls... opinions? hehe.

To sum up, this day has been great.

Let me pick up from where I left off yesterday. Remember when I said he was ducking and hiding behind the window? Hmm. Turns out, he was waiting for me to get out of the room. ND told me this morning, right before class. He brought a rose for me and was going to ambush me with it. hehe. Too bad I went to greenbelt and ruined the surprise. I could've been surprised though if only ND didn't tell me... but then again, its a good thing she told me because otherwise I don't know how I would've reacted. I'm not that good with surprises. hehe.

Afternoon came and I still haven't received a txtmessage from him. Was already wondering what was cooking, because obviously he had no problems texting ND, my friend. hehe. No biggie though, thought nothing of it. Didn't get jealous, believe it or not. hehehe. Maybe he just didn't feel like texting... it's not his responsibility anyway.

By 4:10, ND had already received 3 messages and 3 missed calls. He was asking us where we were headed. Paro texted me asking me to go to the batcave... I could smell C-O-N-S-P-I-R-A-C-Y cooking, but anyway, decided to go up to the batcave and not prolong the agony of not knowing what's in store for me. Got up there, only Migs was in the room. Paro wasn't even there. Migs had a sad look on his face though, so I asked him how he was. He tried to convince me to stay in the room but I told him I couldn't because I left ND and Asha downstairs... Finally convinced me to stay awhile longer... only to see Santa waiting at the door. hehehe. He had this shy grin on his face, and he mumbled some words that I couldn't really comprehend. He handed me the rose and a card that went along with it... the envelope said "Out of the blue.."

Invited him to eat with us, of course... hurried downstairs because the rest of the debate society were coming and I didn't want them to hurl all these questions at me. hehe. after dinner, parted ways. Read the card. It had a short, heartfelt (sounded like it) poem inside.
Sweeeeet!

Tried to hide from the rest of the debaters, but fate blew them my way. hehe. I saw EVERYONE. And they were asking me all these questions. I wanted to hide! hehe. They asked me if he had a chance, they asked me how he gave it to me, what he said, etc. Having no place else to go, I hugged Penny and hid my face in her shirt. It was all I could do to stop yelping out "mommyyy".

Tried to hide the rose when I got at home but it was no use. Okay, so it's only a single rose, but I couldn't very well throw it away, right? I can't hide it in my closet either--the maids will discover it and then i'll be in hotter water (if there's such a term). Decided to tell my mom about it. Prediction was right: panic buttons alarmed. Told her not to worry... she relaxed, calmed down, and made jokes out of it. she wanted me to show her the rose so she could tell me the price. hehe. We DID own a flowershop once, y'know? hehe.

Good thing I didn't tell my mom about the poem. She would've hyperventilated.

Santa called. Was pretty nervous about everything. Asked me if he could ask a question. Asked me if I knew why he was giving me all these stuff. Asked me if he can court.

"I'm not sure."

A soft "ohhh" from the other side. Immediately told him that it's not that I don't like him, coz I do. It's just coz of my mom, how she panicked. He told me he'll sit tight. No awkward things. We'll still be the same, see each other tomorrow.

Let's see what happens now. hehehe.

++++

will study for my psych test now. i have to ace it... I want to beat Ed and Wil's 3.4 GPA! I will I will I will.

Sorry for my Chinese friends here in Tabulas. I wasn't making fun of confucius, it's just an interesting way to say that I'm confused. *tongue twister* hehehe

Confused about what?

About how I feeeeel. Hehehe. Katz and Lasallians don't you dare say a word. hehehe.

As the day progressed I found myself missing him more and more... constantly asking ND if she received a msg from him. He greeted me goodmorning but nothing more... hehe. probably because I ended my reply with "Ingatz", obviously a conversation-ender. Or maybe he just felt like preserving the pleasantries, or maybe it's not him that I really miss, but the feeling of joy that comes when one cares enough to text you for no reason at all. (?)

Sorry for my run-ons, my faulty parallelisms and my other grammatical/structural errors. hehe. I just feel the need to think out loud, and doing that literally might earn me a badge of insanity, so I prefer to write all thoughts down here at my tabulas... where people are just as crazy as me hehehe.

anyway... rar. I thought I really did miss him, y'know.. coz I kept on asking ND if he had replied already, and if she knew what she was doing, etc... But when it was time for training and I caught sight of him, I felt the need to stay away. hehe. I don't know. It's not that I didn't like being with him, and all that talk about no-awkwardness still stands, but still. I just didn't want to be seen talking with him and get teased about it. Plus... I don't know.. Sometimes I just don't know what to talk about when I'm with him. I'm naturally a very talkative person, pero our choice of topics sometimes don't seem to jive. hehehe. although we make the effort to reach out to each other... kinda like neurotransmitters bridging the gap between axons and dendrites (blame it on my psych test. I didn't memorize these for nothing!).

Ne-way... enough talk about Santa, or Kimpura-man as my couzin ana would like to call him. hehehe. Maybe time will give me enlightenment wee!

+++

Trained for the first time in weeks awhile ago... the adrenaline rush was fun. I missed seeing these people I love so much. The Lasalle Debate Society just rocks my world...

+++

Motion: This House Believes that WTO trade agreements should be tied in with Environmental standards.

... heavvvvy. hehe. still trying to think of the perfect case. I'll email Brian my case so he can check it out. Will be coming up with both gov and opp cases. Yayikes. I hope I do well.

+++

Got 7/10 out of my quiz in Psych. Most of my seatmates got 2, so I guess that's okay. but I have to get all perfect 10s again from now on, so I can get that 3.4 or higher. Wish me luckk!!

When Ice and I were on our way home, we chanced upon a silly conversation about how sometimes you forget that you're actually breathing. You're doing it, yes... but you don't feel and savour the air as it comes and goes, to and from, your body. It felt absurd at that time, a topic so out of the blue that we just had to laugh at the silly shallowness of it all. But now, thinking about it at home... makes me realize how much we actually take for granted.

Looking out of the car's window as I usually do to pass time by (traffic in Manila simply is irritating), I fixated my gaze upon one lonely star up in the heavens. It was just so pretty... thousands of lightyears away and yet still shining. Just like dreams, probably. Not quite within grasp but yet as real as real can be.

+++

I loved the surprises that awaited me when I got home.

Two testimonials from two people I idolize:

T.L. (our debate society's president... a hot lady who's also one helluva debater + music enthusiast + ukay-ukay queen) and..

Mr. BK, the prince, the great refuter... a true friend that widened my perspectives and opened my eyes and mind and heart. wa-hee! Di na ko mag-elaborate k'se sa'min na lang yun. hahaha! *hugz*

Two tags from my ever-dearest celebrity sisters: Kaka (founder of FRUSTRATED) and Tin (co-founder of TIIS)

300 hugs, courtesy of a dozen or so clicks from my hug-buddy Kyra

and a myriad of different comments and responses that added color to my junk-mail filled inbox. hehehe Thanks to you all. You are the lonesome star in my vast, empty night labo! hahah! feel ko lang

++++

God has been blessing me with a lot of things recently, and I'd like to thank Him in public for it.

Lord, thanks for the influx of gig offers for Splitcide. I know that this is Your doing, it can't just be because of plain talent or sheer effort... lots of people are talented and are hardworking but don't get as blessed as this. Thanks. Love you!

Thanks also for the DLSU debate society... they have given me so much-- confidence, knowledge, friendship, support, wisdom.. lahat lahat na! I couldn't ask for anything more. Help us and guide us though, lots of trials and competitions ahead! I know we can do it Lord, but not without your help

Thanks also for Ted, my driver. Betty, Leny.. they make my life so much easier. Thank you for the opportunities you've been showering upon me lately... Thank you for the new friends, thank you for giving me new-found hope, thank you for helping me get over my depression, my insecurities. I love you, I love you, I love you! Wee!

In my mind, there is no doubt that a supreme being is at work. I might not go to mass every Sunday, nor pray the rosary, nor read the Bible... but I believe in God. in a different way than some of you, I guess. Oh well. To each his/her own. Love ya'll!

+++

Btw, santa news? none, really. hehe. he printed me out the world's motions that I asked for. He said he didn't email it to me 'coz he wanted to give it to me in person hehe. which he wasn't able to coz I was busy the whole day Wee. But anyway, friends lang friends. hehehe. Gagalit si mommy eh. hahaha! KATZ WAG KA MAINGAY! hahaha! I trust you Love ya'll lotz!

Pure and absorbent
like cotton, Alchohol

seeps into you, drenching
you, staining

your impeccable
whiteness with

amber liquid
and caked brown blood

until
the dirt and soil and dull colors

consumes your all... :
you are pure no more.

++++++++++++++++++++

My muse (Kaka) has just tagged me, and I felt the urge to write. She's been a constant inspiration, an instant cure to blank pages and hanging phrases. I love her lots *hugz sis!*

I'm not really a poet, just a pwet (Filipino word for the human butt).. but I've been dabbling with poetry ever since I met Kaka. For my previous pwet-ry, please visit my poetry site .

+++++++++++++++++

hungry, hungry, hungry. early, early, early.

4 PM and I'm at home. This is the earliest I've been home so far. No gimmicks for tonight, no training... I'm making a commitment to myself to sleep early because I have an early ROTC day tomorrow. I wonder what awaits all of us.

Scared a bit. I'm a wuss. I'm not good at anything physical, plus I hate conforming. Plus, I'm not that good with discipline, not to mention waking up early. Will I survive ROTC? I hope so.

Good thing the core commander is our friend. hehe. He's so sweet and nice and friendly and funny, but he made it clear that when it's ROTC, we must give him respect. He won't give us any special treatment. I hope my lack of discipline won't damage our friendship. Hayayay.

Quite a bit hesitant about going to school tomorrow without make-up. hehe. No, I don't wear excessive make-up in school, okay? It's just, well, I hate my zits and I feel the need to conceal them. I don't care about lipstick or eyeshadow or what-have-you, just let me hide the friggin' blatant zits and the deepening eyebags, will you?! hehe I guess it goes without saying that my biggest insecurity is actually my looks. Sometimes I hate the way I look. Other times, I think I look pretty good. hehehe. Those are the good days...

Lord God, thank you for rebonding. At least I'm just whining about my flaw-ful skin and not my freaky, expanding hair. Peter Ubiri, I lab you! (No, peter is not santa, and nor is he a new crush. He rebonded my hair, home service. Took lots of hours but at least I was watching my favorite movies and eating chips in the comfort of my room).

Santa just txted, can't rep, no more load. Same goes to mike and everyone else that I haven't replied to. Sorry guys! Trying to control my appetite for texting.

One thing I can't control right now though, is my appetite for food. I WANT FOOD. FEED ME!

For those of you who are anticipating news from my ROTC-stint... It was fun. I watched them from afar. hehe. I was 10 minutes late and I didn't know how to get in the field, plus there were guys in uniform shouting and yelling, so I decided to stay away.

Estelle is a wuss. -- Proven. hehehe.

Sat down on a bench overlooking the field so I could watch what they were doing. Took out Asian Wall Street Journal and decided to matterload on whatever matter I could understand. Made some fact sheets about Palestine and GMOs (genetically modified organisms), then decided that this was not the way I'd like to spend my saturday morning. 2 hours have passed with me wasting away on a bench without anyone to talk to. I figured it would be more fun for me to attend Debate Training instead. Hehe.

+++

At Debate training, Brian formulated a new drill exercise about developing seed thoughts. Astig, I got 1 point for the first motion, was even commended for "thinking outside the box". T.L. just got a .5 at that time, but that was just because she created a whole case already. It felt good, though, to be a momentary leader of the pack.

Concentration dwindled towards the end. I almost got another full point, a .80 in fact, for the motion on legalizing the sale of organs. Too bad I didn't articulate it clearly. Dang. I do think my thinking-skills are sharpening a bit though. I hope so... I hope I won't be a disgrace to Lasalle when I debate for the upcoming IIDC. WE MUST DEFEND THE CHAMPIONSHIP. Fight to the deattth! ANIMO!! hehe

Ate lunch at KFC. Braised Chicken is not yummy. Don't order ever again.

As for training after lunch, stuttered a lot. Lost my train of thought due to disorganized notes. Had a good point though, about displacement of both 30% uneducated american population AND applying immigrants who'd like to follow due process. Debate was on Bush's Amnesty program, given a slight twist.

++++++

Went to Penny's party in the evening. Was uber-late, Estelle fashion. Took me an hour to get dressed (with Brian, Victor and Ice waiting for me... they accused me of taking a bubble bath) and another hour to get a present and about 40 minutes to get to Alabang (my driver drives faster than I take a bath). Enjoyed. The stars were beautiful. I almost strained my neck from looking upwards. Drove around Ayala Alabang... miss driving, but figured it would be tiring to do it all day. Tried to avoid Santa. He's nice and sweet but not now, not now. Accused of hitting on Kevin... he does look like Tom Cruise a bit. Facial Structure, I guess? hehe. I will stalk him. He dared me and I will, I will, I will. I've got a willing spy already. Hehehe. Yee-ha!

++++++ TODAY's NEWS... literally +++++++

Read the newspaper for debate-issues. Found these shockingly true stories instead:

-- Authorities in London are already thinking of digging up the dead to make room for new ones. They claim that antiquated burial laws should be reviewed due to contemporary needs. Looks like they'll have to consult the people in this matter, I think lots of people will be against this. (any other alternatives peopleee?)

-- In Venezuela, authorities are considering decriminalizing theft of food and medicine in cases where a thief is motivated by extreme hunger or need. It will be called the "Famine Theft" and will be added as a clause to existing laws for humanitarian reasons.

-- British bookmakers are already offering 50/1 odds against a man walking on mars by December 31, 2030. In short, Bush's big expenditures means possible money for a lot of gamblers.

-- A man got caught in Berlin with 50 condoms of cocaine... which apparently came out of his butt as he moved his bowels.

-- Silvio Berlusconi apparently had a little bit of cosmetic surgery around the eyes... while Tony Blair is now a radio personality.

-- This just in... TAFT Ave. might be renamed to Sen. Diokno Ave. NO WAY MAN. It's just wayyy too long. I can't say I'm from Lasalle Taft now. I'm from Lasalle Diokno. Yaks. Why don't they ever consult the students and people affected?!

I just realized how much I use the word "apparently". Even in blogging I have my crutches. Dang.

+++++

If I were to debate for students' welfare all around the world, I'd want to have these rules abolished:

- ROTC/CWTS! for crying out loud, don't force it on us. Although it supposedly fosters nationalism, it also breeds hostility and contempt. You just might be defeating your purpose. At the very least, let us graduate even without it, okay?!

- No make-up in universities, as in Lainie's school and my highschool. C'mon. It does wonders for a girl's self-esteem. hehe.

- Casual-clothes day wherein you're asked to pay for it, plus girls can't wear jeans and must only where skirts reaching up to their calves. I just read this in one of my friend's blogs. Damn. I know students would like to take a break from wearing uniforms sometime, but can you just give them some slack and not make them pay money for it? Exploitation! Corruption! you just want money. hehehe. Hey, i think this was from oddfish's journal.

This is such a long post now, I probably should end it.

Last thought, totally unrelated to debate:

Isn't it sad that the persons you were closest to 4-5 years ago are the exact same people you can't think of anything to say to?

I miss the old days.

Just found out that one of my friends will be going to DLSU-Diokno(TAFT). hehe. I'm happy. ANIMO is spreading, yeahhh! I just love my school.

++++

Think About This: (received this from an email from Em)

1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you. ---- I wonder who. My mom, most probably. Any other takers? hehe. 4 slots left!

2. At least 15 people love you in this world, in some way. ---- Mom again. and probably my relatives... at least I do hope so

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you, is because they want to be like you. --- Hmm. I don't think so. hehe. Thanks for the reassurance though... I'm not THAT enviable. hehe.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't know you. --- Maybe... I have dimples. hehehe!

5. Every night, someone thinks of you before they go to sleep. --- Hmm... I wonder who... hehehe.

6. You mean the world to someone. --- To my mom. Again. hehe.

7. Without you, someone might not be living. --- hmm. I haven't really saved a life yet.

8. You are special and unique in your own way. --- I'd agree. hehe. my unique wardrobe speaks for itself.

9. Someone that you don't know even exists, loves you. --- Really?! Introduce yourselves. hehe.

10. When you make big mistakes, something good always comes out from it. --- Yup. Everything happens for a reason...

+++++

Day started slowly... spent a considerable amount of time just blogging and reading other people's lives and commenting on them.

After that, started reading the biography of Adolf Hitler. Even saw pictures of him as a child, and some of his paintings--as a youngster he was a frustrated artist. it feels weird knowing that one of the world's scariest men ever started out as a simple child, fond of playing cowboy's and indians.

+++++

Went to my lolo's grave, currently being landscaped. I still can't accept the reality of it all... a lot is changing at a pace so fast that my mind can't keep up with it. It's like reality is just breezing by right past me, too fast for me to act, too fast for me to comprehend. Defense mechanism then, is to be passive... the side-effect being I'm now a lazy bum that feels really, really numb.

It looks nice though. Lolo's buried underneath a tree, just like he wanted... he'll be surrounded by Bouganvilleas (i hope i spelled it correctly), the flowers he loved so much when he was still living. It's just so earth-y and cozy. It's not granite or marble or cement that's covering him, and for that i'm happy.

+++++

Car kept overheating. Dang-it. We used mineral water to keep the engine running for the meantime. We had to turn-off the aircon and smell the sickening fumes of Manila. Right after getting home, dashed to the bathroom to take a bath. I felt sticky all over. Yech. I am so happy we weren't affected by the water-thing.

I keep on eating chicken even with the bird flu going on. The germs die in high heat anyway, right? Hrm.. neway, I just hope I don't catch anything. Besides, I'm not the only one in the Philippines still eating chicken right now. If I catch the flu, I won't be the only one. hehehe. I'm so mean.

+++++

My pants and skirts are getting tight-er. DANNNG. I am in dire need of exercise. Fitness first keeps on calling my cell and offering me a free work-out courtesy of Renee, but... dang. I don't want to work out on my own. That's scary. Don't want my ass to hang-out for everyone to see. I'm a wuss and I'm a-lazy. I don't like physical activity. Spare me. But make me thinner, pleaase?

Bleh. The curse of delicious food.

Shakey's rocks!

+++++++

Lastly, maybe I'm not so lazy after all. In a sudden bout of enthusiasm, I compiled debate motions and came up with 3 pages. Compiled different topics that I must research on too, and I am intent on prepping a case before I go to sleep. So with that, I end my blog. I have to get serious. This is serious stuff. We must defend the championship that Lasalle has toiled over!! We must not give away our stronghold!! ANIMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Fight to the death. hehe. blehhh. I hope this attitude lasts. hahaha!

Will drop P.E. Teams by tomorrow. I already have the form, I just have to submit it to get my 80% refund. Cried during P.E. awhile ago, was so scared of the ball. hehehe. It hurt my forearms so much, I just had to give up.

Estelle is such a wuss. Proven a thousand times over.

Will go into a debate later... rararar. preparations already for the IIDC. Debating on European corporate governance. I don't know anything, will be researching now.

I hope I make sense later. TTFN!

I feel so blessed today.

Received a call from Ate Nina's mom this morning... apparently she's here in Manila for some time and Nina gave her something for me. I was delightfully surprised. Nina, or Jamm, as I love calling her, has always been this sweet and thoughtful, but she never ceases to surprise me. After all these months of no communication, she gives me a gift... considering that she's from San Francisco, has an even busier sched than me, and still had the time and energy to cook this up... can you just imagine how wonderful she is?

I'll dedicate this blog to her. I love her so much. She's the sweetest. We met on mIRC a few years back... I believe I was still in gradeschool then, around grade 7. We shared a common friend, Kuya Glen, and through our habitual chats we eventually got closer and closer...

During her first visit here in the Philippines (she lives in San Francisco.. she's a Filipino though), I think I hid from her... hehe. I didn't want to meet up with her because y'know.. I'm not that pretty and stuff and I was so scared of EBs then. We chatted constantly still, usually about boys and problems and stuff. Although a year younger, she was the one who usually dished out sound advices and insightful comments. That's why I jokingly called her "Ate Nina"... she being the more mature one between the two of us.

When she came here for a short vacation last last year, she took the time to drop by my gig and even brought some friends and relatives along with her. We even had some pictures taken together... I'll try and post them later. When she found out through email correspondences that I loved the artist Badon (who was fortunately her uncle), she gave me a painting of his which is now beside my computer for me to gaze at. hehe.

All these years that we've known each other... we've never fought. And even with the long distance and sometimes the sporadicity of our email correspondences and online chats... we still manage to catch-up with each other. In fact, she even dropped by just a few weeks ago and added a tag on my board. Weee! I just love her!

It's not so much as I love her because of everything that she has given me... It's not that. I love her because she is living proof that friendship transcends space and time. I love her because she is living proof that not all humans are selfish and dishonest. I love her because she is who she is. Just because. I can't explain. I love you 'te jamm!!!

++++

Also received a box of brownies from Santa. hehehe. He called me up on my cell after class, asking where we were heading off to. I told him, with a bit of uncertainty, that I might be heading to the batcave after I drop my PE class. After waiting for around 20 or so minutes, he texts, saying he left me something in the batcave... that was enough to make me a bit nervous. hehe.

yeahhh, so i had to go to the batcave ALONE since ND and Asha decided to watch a movie without me ( awww inggit! hehe joke lang!)... was so scared to be teased, but they didn't tease me naman.. they were too busy prepping. hehe. I gingerly lifted the note from the brownie-box and tried to leave without them noticing me, but T.L. stopped me and told me that someone left me something. hehe. I nodded to tell her that I knew and she flashed that knowing smile... yikees. Left before anyone else could say a word. hehe.

++++++++

So why am I feeling blessed? Aside from the Victoria's Secret package from ate nina (yeehaa! I love you sis.. that must have cost you a LOT a LOT. thank you thank you thank you... love you!) and the box of brownies from santa, i also received a lot of hugs from friends, a pistacchio nut (yes, just 1.. but that was 1 out of 4... so I guess that's quite a sacrifice) from Victor, an hour or so of company from JP (he helped me drop my P.E. and accompanied me to the library), and considerable effort from Asha and ND (they cut short their movie-watching so I could be with someone)... weee. I just feel so blessed. I love everyone and everyone loves me. hehe. yeah right. But It's true.. I just love life today. Love it, love it, love it!

Back to researching for the HOMELAND SECURITY ACT and NORTH KOREA.

Sheeet! I haven't researched anything yet and they're telling us to leave! bad3p!

This is my first official break for today... U-Break.

I've just had 2 quizzes, one for Earth Science and one for Psychology, none of which I aced, both of which I studied really hard for. Darn it. I'm finding it hard to focus on everything that I'm attempting to do...

Right now, I'm online because I'm supposed to be registering for LEAP with my 2 bestfriends, ND and Asha. Currently have 8 windows open, 4 of which are for researching on ISRAEL and PALESTINE... obviously for debate. We need to keep the momentum going.. Last night we were commended by T.L. for not only having a complete group, but for having brought out all the needed issues in the debate. That made me so much happy, considering that I really didn't have a clear grasp of the homeland security act, only a vague idea. wee wee wee. hehe. i have to work harder, harder, harder.

anyway, i refuse to not update my TaBULAS journal because it helps me understand and digest all the events happening in my life. rarar. it's kinda like my "reflection/meditation" mechanism... plus, it's also my way of updating certain friends of what's happening in my life right now. wee wee wee. so to make this short and simple (weird):

sorry if i haven't been responding/commenting on other people's sites as much as I used to... currently busy with stuff.

thanks for people who still drop by here and read my messy posts.

wish me luck with all the stuff i'm trying to fix right now... I plan to get into the dean's list again, and i'm going to work doubly hard...

bleh. yeah right. i hope this attitude lasts. i'm very very fickle.

yakyakyak bye!

===

btw, already dropped PEteams, will be getting 80% refund, YEYEYEH!

Thanks for all your advices and concern guys I dn't plan on taking PETEAMS again. I'll enroll in the course when i've already passed either the Chess Varsity or the Lawn tennis varsity. if it takes me up to my 3rd year to get better at either sport just so I can avail of P.E. exemption, by God I will. hehehe. Besides, won't a 4.0 in PETEAM + VARSITY-STATUS for your RESUME balance my wuss-ness in the end? hehehe. Strategyyyyy. I hope this works. hehehe!

I am sincerely enjoying debate. hehehe.

+++

Yesterday, after a gruelling 3 hour lab class, I decided to have my friend's book photocopied at my favorite net-cafe. Turns out, it was good that I came back because they had me blacklisted as someone who didn't pay for their printing services. Bleh.

I argued with them. But I paid eventually, not because I was forced to, but because I didn't want them to be burdened with the expenses of a horrible mistake that no one was at fault with. Hear me out first before reacting, I'm not a hit-and-run customer. If that were the case then I wouldn't have gone back there on the same day... ang kapal ko naman diba? hehe. Here's the story:

1. I researched for the evening's debate, saved it on one of their diskettes (they don't have the printer connected to the cmputers, so when you want something printed they give you a diskette, you save it, and then they print it. SOO inconvenient, i know..), and asked them to print it.

2. the lady-printer, the one who was supposed to be in charge, was out buying ice-cream, so the xerox-machine guys told me to print it even without her. At first I was hesitant, but then I figured, how different could it be from using my computer? So I opened the file, and clicked print.

3. The lady printer comes back. She scans my work, and tells me there's a problem. The diskette I used had a virus, and apparently, what was once 27 pages of research was now in computer-language-gibberish. She billed me, gave me another diskette, so I could fix the printing out.

4. After going back to the terminal, I tried saving it on the diskette, only to have my computer go blue-screen on me (Y'know, hit esc to exit or any key to ignore, or something like that). I tried to be stubborn, but when I eventually got back to normal windows mode, my research was all gone. DAMN. I just wasted more than an hour researching and figuring out what to do with this mess.

5. Gave the diskette to the lady-printer, told her I'm leaving since my break's about to be over soon and I didn't want to print anymore given their faulty service, and left.

and they accused me of 1.) running out of them and after hearing out my explanation... 2.) not notifying them that I was leaving. Bleh. The lady-printer just sat quietly as I told them I WILL pay just to prove that I'm not running out on them, but I demand that they give me a chance to talk to their manager.

It took me 20 minutes to negotiate with 3 people who apparently weren't listening. The Lady-printer kept on going out (to buy more ice-cream, perhaps?), the cashier-guy who has nothing to do with it kept on cutting me in midsentence, and the only good-guy was the xerox-man who nodded sympathetically. To pay 87 pesos for 27 pages of crap is a big thing. It not only dented my pocket, it stole a lot of my time AND it stepped on my rights as a consumer. Blehh.

Still planning to go there though, instead of counter-strike places wherein you can't even hear yourself think.

++++++

Was commended for 2 recent speeches, yey!

2 nights ago, I gave a speech on The Patriot Act as Leader of Opp. Quite honestly, I don't really understand it that much, but I think our response was quite good, earning a "brilliant speech" comment from T.L. herself! weee! She asked me to improve on my highschool language though.. hehe. I apparently said that Victor's proposal would be "annoying" a lot of people instead of getting their cooperation. hehe.

Last night, I made a speech on the Geneva accord, this time as Prime Minister... this time I got commended by Luigi, the president of CSB's debsoc. Don't know what TL thinks though, will find out later. *sigh* I hope this becomes consistent. I really was happy with my speech last night... everything just flowed, at least from my recollection. hehehe. I don't know though... I hope my hard work pays off.

Got to study for sociology now. Tonight, debate is on con-con and I still don't have any research. Read the newspapers for today though, and updates are being made on some world issues. Rarar.

Weeeee I love the debate society i just do... makes me smile yeh!

Set my alarm to 4 a.m. for today... finished getting ready for school at 5. Ate breakfast at 5:30 while watching CNN--they kept on repeating the same news headlines. I'm sure they already ran out of new things to say. hehe.

Currently happy that I'm updating my TABULAS. Postponing studying for my GENPSYC quiz for this. Class isn't up 'til 9:20, I can always do that at around 7 a.m.

Researching on IMF and World Bank Issues. Currently downloaded 26 pages worth of articles, mostly factsheets, will make reading easier and more comprehensible. I don't really need super in-depth academical researches... I just need basic information enough for me to understand and analyze grouns for IMF and WB reform. Just have to get a basic understanding of world issues.. rarar.

I read Leloy's journal, thanks to mico's link and so far, i'm impressed. He had to give a talk on some European country or something (I forgot, sorry), meaning he had to research and understand that topic enough to let the other atenean debaters know about it. Galing. Just reminds me of the hard work that lies ahead for real, hardcore debaters (not saying that I am one). You must have a little bit of knowledge on EVERYTHING. Or at least be good at bluffing enough when you don't.

I remember motions that surprised the sh*t out of me:

THBT the Olympics should be for amateurs ONLY. (ASIANS 2003)
THBT Mcdo Culture is Anti-culture. (Freshers Cup 2003)
THW take things slow. (Ateneo IVs)
THBT Children should take up arms. (Training)
THW make the release of convicted child sexual molestors conditional on chemical castration (WTF?!?! Worlds motion!)

We even have motions on the International Space Station, on European issues that sometimes I don't even know about.. on corporate governance.. Gwah! But it's okay... I'm enjoying it.

And lest you consider me some sort of nerd, let me tell you why I love the debate society of lasalle so much:

I love the people I'm with.

This is enough to make any LaSallian proud to be a debater:

Eric Ebro = the one in the recent PROUDLY LASALLIAN posters. Philippine delegate to the Hitachi Leader conference, President of ECONORG, future president of the DLSU Debate society. Constant Dean's Lister (1st honor), finalist NDC public speaker (meaning great sense of humor), quarterfinalist NDC 2003.

Jo Rodriguez = recently graduated, polsci major. Now a prof in DLSU for poligov. Officer of POLISCY + champion rower + former kindergarden teacher + fashionista, heart throb AND a great person, incorporated social work in DEBSOC activities particularly our overnight training session at meycuayan.

Diana = BS Math, 1st year. Deans lister 1st term, SC representative, Adjudicator. Project head World Car Free day (success!). Oh c'mon! Imagine being a BS Math major... and a dean's lister at that!!! This girl has GOT brains!! (and I've got her psych book! wahaha!)

Jimmy D. Yao = CORE COMMANDER, ROTC of DLSU & CSB. Student of PMA while Student of CSB, Cross Enrollee of DLSU. DEAN's LISTER. Great guy.. bait bait, he gave us corn on the cob with no strings attached and even waited for me to get fetched last night. Wee. Glad to have met him before ROTC started.

Beauregard Grant L. Cheng = DADDDDY! haha. He's sooo caring for everyone... everyone just loves him. DLSU A, T.L.'s worthy partner... Scholar of DLSU, taking up Eng. President of SME (Society for Mech Eng people), semifinalist NDC, broke in the Asians.. and much much more. weee I miss him.

There are just soooo many more people that I'm equally proud of in the Debate Society. One of which would be T.L., the master & commander, the great Goddess of debating (she really looked like a Goddess in her Asians gown )... *sigh* Everyone's just so great.
Imagine, all those dean's listers, all those future leaders, all those great & wonderful debaters: they are the ones I eat my lunch and dinners with, the same people I was with watching sunsets on rooftops and gazing at nightstars during open-air debates. They were the people who consoled me when I couldn't stop crying, who took away my pain & depression during the early days of heartbreak *gah*. They are the ones who acompany me to gigs, who help me cross the street, who text me and teach me and inspire me.

I love them all. I am a proud Lasallian debater. ... I am a proud Lasallian. MWAHHHH! ANIMO!

+++++

Btw Mico, i have a suggestion for new DLSU legislation.

IF chess varsity is p.e. exemptable, why shouldn't Debate varsity be?

Let me give you some reasons why Debate varsitarians should be even MORE eligible than chess varsity for p.e. exemption:

1. we require more physical and intellectual activity. Not only do we exercise our arms and fingers during a game (as chess players do... no offense to my future teammates *hahaha!*), we also shift our weight back and forth, pace around and burn a lot of calories gesticulating and standing up AND sitting down for points of information. We have to research on a whole range of topics as well, making our intellectual activity doubly hard because our mind works not only during the game, but all through-out the day as well!

2. We also have national and international championships rin naman ah.. intervarsity din naman! We're even the national champions for the IIDC. We get medals and plaques just as the chess team does. hehe. GIVE US PE EXEMPTION! haha

Of course, all these are just MY opinions, I do not AT ALL represent the debate society on this. hehe. I'd better consult T.L. first before proposing something like this, but... don't you think Debaters should have P.E. exemption as well? DLSU might never give us funding, but maybe a 4.0 in PE might compensate for it... especially for wusses like me.

hehehe. Back to studying Psych peeps! love ya'll!

Went to UP crosstraining yesterday... missed a gig that I helped organize, a b-day party of one of my managees, and a gig of a former band that I was managing + a gimmick with a friend. Definitely I'm shifting priorities. hehe. Not that I'm letting bands go altogether.

In fact, I've been thinking of forming a new band... the only problem being I don't know who I can play with. I don't want to let go of Summitstar (my original band), but everyone's just so busy that I don't think we'll get anywhere right now... I'd just like someone to jam with, make some new songs with, just have fun with. I'll be saving for a new guitar cable (a good one, one that will last) so I can play with my epiphone again. I really want to write new songs... I feel the need to express.

+++

Yesterday, we were up against 2 UP teams. First was UPD-A, on a motion about outsourcing. Second, against UPD-D, on a motion about political turncoatism. Although we lost in both rounds, I am happy to report that it took Tats a long time to decide, meaning our case wasn't necessarily that weak. In fact, we lost just by a small margin, and if that's the case, then that's a vast improvement from our clear losses just months ago. I am SOO excited for IIDC.

Was able to spend time with T.L. and Brian, two of the 3-person team that brought home the championships for Lasalle last year. At first I was a bit uncomfortable, hanging out with my idols, my mentors, with no other people around... but they both have the talent of making people feel instantly comfortable. I love them. We talked about music and coldplay and yano, we talked about the 80s and batman and my little pony. We ate at mcdo and talked about debate, and they told me that they've seen a vast improvement from the girl who couldn't even deliver a coherent speech against Euthanasia. I was so happy, in fact, I'm still on a high right now. I'm so inspired by them that I decided to bring matter to our sunday family lunch. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a boring person. hehe. I just find debating fun, that's all. wahahaha. labo.

While reading my matter awhile ago, I thought of my lolo. The articles that I find hard reading, he found highly interesting. He ate those stuff for breakfast, lunch and dinner, constantly devouring books even in mid-flight. He was such a voracious reader. I couldn't help but take a moment and ask him to pass his knowledge onto me. I know my brain wouldn't be able to take it, but... y'know.. there's no harm in trying right? I want to be just like him.

Speaking of lolo, went to his grave awhile ago. It moved me to tears. There was already back granite at the opening, it had his signature enlarged and engraved in golden letters. Feb. 3, 1927 - Dec. 14, 2003. A long life, but not long enough. His grave didn't look like a grave at all. It looked like our garden in Corinthians, with bounganvilleas (sorry for the wrong spelling) and the exact same flowers we have at home... his picture was covering the cross... he was smiling, and I couldnt help but smile and cry at the same time. I now know its true. It's lolo underneath all that dirt. I'll never be able to go to Sunday lunch again and tell him how we debated about the WTO... or how I'm reading about the Geneva accord. I'll never hear him laugh again, laugh and cough at the same time... and laugh some more. I'll never be able to hug him and annoy him with my kakulitan.

It's just like what the Jewish mother said yesterday, regarding the pain of her lost son: I try to block it out... It's not that I don't care, I just care too much.

I've been numb all this time, and I'm happy that sadness has again overcome me. I don't want to block out the pain anymore. I want to relish it, I want to grasp reality with it. Only then can I move to overcome it... otherwise I'm just fooling myself.

+++++

Will study for JPRizal now... Will post later.

Btw, Santa Update.. he sent me a 5-part poem through text, a poem that simply said goodnight. hehe.

He is SO sweet and creative... something that I like in a guy.
It's just... he's a bit formal and I don't know how I can get around that. I like someone I can tease about simple things. hehe. bleh. I over-analyze. Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be.

Besides, I'm fine the way things are. I just hope he is rin. hehe. wee.

MY CELLPHONE BRINGS ME STRESS. Annoying. Bad3p. People keep on texting me and asking me all these questions and I just feel like throwing my fone out the window.

***to all my friends who text me, I like your text messages. I just hate the ones from certain people who make me as their middle-man. Sometimes it's my job, but sometimes it's not. To them I say, have some sensitivity... you aren't even my responsibility. Time will come when I won't even want to help you anymore. Give me some respect! GADDDAAAMITTT!***

Yeeeep.

I'm wearing something weird again today... bright and cheery, a royal purple slowly gradiating toward a jovial, imperial yellow. Asian style, with chinese-pyjama like buttons. Green tank underneath... makes me look like Empress Eggplant. I'm sure my classmates would again react to this. Hehe.

I might sound like I'm so full of myself, but sometimes I just am. hehe. I'm just so happy with myself at the moment... I'm one of the brightest in class (although some might attribute that to the easy courses) at the same time being one of the laziest and the most eccentric by far in mode of dress. A friend of mine once blurted out that I never fail to surprise her... she can't see a distinct pattern in the way I choose my clothes. Sometimes it's just plain and normal, and other times it's just out of this world.

My clothes make me happy.

Aside from that, I've got a hell-of-a lot more to be thankful for... Love you Lord, thanks for all the gifts!

+++

Watched memento mori yesterday with Asha and ND. Instead of coming out of the theater scared (it was a horror movie), I came out feeling sentimental.

Now THAT was scary. Scary even to me.

It was a story about lesbian lovers, you see... hehe.. I mean, I have nothing against lesbians, and that's exactly what Asha and I discussed as we waited for a taxi. Sometimes, it's easier to look for a hot woman than for a hot guy, and sometimes, the hottest guys slightly resemble girls, only with more defined jawlines and muscles (think ben affleck, keanu, all those cleancut guys. they look rugged, yes, but they'd be pretty as girls as well... minus some jaw). The ratio, still, is 3 women to 1 guy... so having more lesbians in the world would free up more guys for those who are heteros. Be altruistic people..! Share the love! Hehehe.

Then we started talking about how we missed being in-love and stuff. Asha just nodded her head and sarcastically agreed... ND agreed and then retracted, saying she was happy being single. I was the only one who was left babbling about how I wanted to be in love again... bleech.

Maybe it was the movie. Maybe it was just a momentary feeling. But after reaching Lasalle, I honestly wanted to skip training, stay in the ampitheater, look up at the stars, read poetry and listen to some tracy chapman.

Didn't skip training though... I just love the debate society so much. But during adjudication, I got my wish. I dragged Ice and Diana to the open air and forced them to sing nostalgic songs with me.

It just wasn't the same.

I don't want to fall for just anyone, that wouldn't be right... but with valentine's day nearing and an art event I have to go to (Feb. 13, pag-ibig findings... whoaw. Poetry reading, art exhibit opening + music galore) ... bleep. I don't know. I just find myself daydreaming hehehe

Right now, I'll channel all these senti feelings to everyone. hehe. If I know you in person, be prepared for a lot of hugs and possibly a lot sappy singing from me. I might just give away some candy (choco kisses... I hate that I can't find those small boxes with inscriptions on them already. Mustve stopped production!)

++++

Off to school now, might get late. 3 subjects straight, research afterwards. Missed a meeting for POLISCY's PMT, bad estelle bad. Another late night, another tiring day. All this will pay off, somehow, some way.

I love myself. I love my life. I love my God. I love everybody. I love you all!!!!!!!!!! Life is a blessing one must constantly be thankful for

I'm late for my debate training by exactly 11 minutes, and I still don't understand African politics.

Aside from that, these really stupid people I'm sharing the computer lab with are making creepy sounds reminiscent of "the grudge" and other jap freak-films. Darn-it. Don't they know it's not conducive to studying (or researching for that matter)?

I'm a nerd.

That's okay. I'm an eccentric nerd, a fun nerd. A free-spirit(ed nerd) as T.L. would like to call me.

Eric commented on my royal-eggplant top. He said I should've been at the Elocution b'coz I would have fit with the other contestants... who were all wearing elaborative costumes.

Hehehe. I'm theatric now, am I? Wellllll... bring it on!

That's okay. Still thinking twice about the celebratory dinner for Steph and Duff tonight (they're both graduating). I want to be a part of it, but I don't think I will be. I mean, I know I'll be there, but I don't know if I'll fit in.

They're all just so close to each other... plus I'm not good at formal-dining.

I suck.

Hehe. Mike would certainly reprimand me for again putting myself down. These are just words I say though... deep down, I know I can handle it.

It's just. bleeeh. I hate awkward situations.

This has been a worthless post. Will go to training now, no use postponing it.

Blue and white checkered full-skirt, reminiscent of little-bo-peep and peasant-gypsies... Yellow-orange baby-tee with a "my little devil" logo in the middle, and turquoise long-sleeve chinese sweater resembling that used in Joy luck Club... My get-up for today. Wee-hee. It was windy, a little bit hard for my flowy skirt... actually it got blown away once or twice, good thing I have black shorts underneath. hehe. Plus, no one got a good look of my legs anyway... or at least I hope so. haha. Besides, my legs look nice naman ata eh (at least I think so. hahaha!)

The weirdest comment I got for today... --> "Estelle, you look like a SWISS MISS." hmm. isn't that a chocolate drink? Maybe he meant I looked yummy. hahaha. Dream on estelle, you're the marshmallow INSIDE the chocolate drink. you're getting big and fluffy pretty fasst.

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Happy dayyy!

Day didn't start quite well. Forgot to set the alarm last night b'coz I was freaking tired from the training. Woke up late, and my mom was rushing to her meeting. We only had one car and one driver... so... basically, she was counting on me to hurry up. Too bad... My fastest time in the bathroom is 40 minutes tops.

Was late for school... missed my first subject entirely. Was right on time for Psych (2nd subject), but I realized I forgot my assignment... worth 20 points! I figured I could just sneak away from class and pretend that I was ill for that day so I could pass it the next mtg. Too bad the professor saw me watching the Parokya ni Edgar concert in the ampitheater. Tsss. Never wear bright colors when you're hiding from a teacher.

Went to JPrizal... totally boring, just watched low-budget "pepe"-JoseRizal docus. Glad to say that the teacher is making the class feel the ANIMO (Lasallian Spirit) though. He was just all praises for lasalle, even though he was schooled by UP. Am thankful for people like him... Makes me even prouder.

Watched bloomfields perform as a front-act for Parokya Ni Edgar. I have to say, their drummer improved soooo much. Either that, or his talent was hidden before... or I just wasn't really paying that much attention. Needless to say, I had fun. I'm proud to have known them, and to know bands like them who do it for the passion and not for the money.

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Here I am, supposedly researching before training again. I am now late by at least 30 minutes. It's okay though, because I'm here helping ND research on her ENGLART subject.

I'm happy to report two things!

I got a letter from ENVI, inviting me to a conference... Apparently, they think I'm one of the most outstanding students of Lasalle! hehehe They're just going to get 30 participants, if I read the letter correctly... I just... I was just really, really surprised. I'm excited to tell my mom.

T.L. told R.K, a finalist in the worlds tournament.... the first Asian team to have reached that far... that one day, I'm going to be a champion debater. One day, I'll be in that finals tournament. Rar... talk about high expectations... but in fact, it really was an ego boost. Here was T.L., the goddess of debating, my ultimate idol, bragging to R.K. (a singaporean, btw) about me, a lowly fresher. I couldn't hide my glee and I told T.L. that I was honored, although I knew she was pulling my leg.

I'm not saying I'm a good debater. I'm nowhere near anyone's league. but if T.L. thinks I can do it... maybe I can, if I work hard enough. Gosh, I do hope so... Someday, all of this training will pay off.

I love Lasalle, I love the debating society. I love T.L., Brian, and all those people who are supporting me. My heart's just overflowing, I love the world.

Lastly... on a slightly sadder note... Sometimes I just miss bboy. Bleh. Maybe it's just the sentimode and memento mori. Maybe it's just me being lonely. But whenever I juxtapose him with other people... bleep. I doubt things will be the same. But it was never meant to last ne-way. Besides. He's not even cute!! *sigh* Sometimes being outright bitter and putting other people down uplifts you. I know it's mean, but it's true. hehe.

BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. <-- Thanks ankie for this new word. I love it ALOT.

It's LEAP day today... hurray! hehe. Although I picked TALK OF THE AIRHEADS, an environmental program (Better than Religious Ed or Cheerdancing), I'd have to say that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be...

Sure, it was 3 hours inside a cold room with 3 speakers lecturing on how we're killing ourselves every minute we take a breath, but... somehow it struck a chord in me. In fact, I even volunteered to flag down smokebelchers in EDSA right after.

If you think that your basic necessities in life are Food, Shelter and Clothing, think again. Imagine living a week without any of them. Doable, isn't it? But imagine even 30 seconds without air. That's how crucial air is to us.

I'm now an official AIRHEAD. Airhead being, well, concerned about clean air and stuff.

I just hope, as I usually do, that this passion lives on.

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Bumped into Vivian, a new friend I made in FILIPI, at the airhead talk in Yuchengcs. Happy day, invited her to come stay with us since she was all alone. Imagine my surprise when I found out that her neighbor was actually one of my bestfriends in Highschool, MJ Sy. Imagine HER surprise when she found out that I was the manager of Splitcide, a band she heard over NU107's in the raw program, a band that she actually was interested in. She told me she even texted their manager after the program was over (since my contact # was given on the show)... true enough, she had my # saved in her fone. Coincidence? Woohoo!

I think the world is just soooo small and soooo big at the same time. As I was going to De La Salle this morning, I realized that each building, each house, each car I pass contain people inside it. All these people that I'll probably never get to meet, and yet, our lives are interwoven... chances that we can affect each other's lives are SO great. Even with the simple act of driving to work, chances exist -- you can either kill or be killed, or get there safely and you would never have thought about it at all. I'm sure I'm not making sense, but I'm sure some of you have thought about this at some point, it's just... i'm not relaying the message quite well.

Ne-way, enough about that, I should be researching about the Guantanamo Base thing.

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BTW, Uncle Scar's sweet because he didn't leave Lolo's grave without making sure that the candles were lit.

I know it's such a small thing... but sometimes those little things are the ones we usually forget.

If I were in his place, I would've been frustrated and would've given up. He didn't. One candle wouldn't light, and he didn't give up on it. He sculpted the candle so that the wick would come out... He tried to remove the lit candle inside the container even when it was really, really hot. I knew 'coz his hand would withdraw automatically even when just nearing the candle-container.

It's just admirable. Hehe. I mean, I know he's mean most of the time... pero maybe he's just like that. Maybe he likes being the mean guy so that no one will bother him. Pero sometimes, like with Tisha and with Lolo, you'll get to see that he has some love in him after all. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Thanks to all who keep on dropping by my site. Love ya'll!