Sira ka Talaga! :)

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This is AMAZING. I LOVE TABULAS! I love the Advanced mode... wowwwwwwwwww. I can tell you which song's playing in my head right now and which book I'm currently in love with! PLUSSSS the emoticonssss!!!

OOOOOH. I'm in heaven.

Thanks to Anna Samia for this wonderful discovery.. It's fun to be shallow.

Now if i can only figure out how to add a usericon...

I feel sticky.
dirty.

Like I haven't
tasted water
in days.

Sticky
With thoughts of you
Clinging,
Crawling
on my skin.

I want to scrub you clean.
I want to scrub me clean.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Lonesome and dark are the days
and nights of the Alone
Cold and damp are their hearts.

They search for warmth and yet
find none in this cold, in this dark.
Redundant are the hopeless.

Hopeless are those Alone
searching for warmth
and yet finding none
in this cold, dark place.

Hopeless.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm not much of a poet. I don't know the technicalities of rhyme and verse, nor do I know the value of metaphors and symbolisms. I write for self-expression, in the hope that somewhere out there, someone can sympathize with what I'm going through. I write in the hopes that in one way or another, I'm not alone.

Thanks to those who have been making their presence known. To Kaka and Anna Samia, to Diana and Kyra, and everyone else who sympathize by simply dropping by my journal from time-to-time, thanks You don't know how much that helps.

I'll just keep on writing and writing and writing until I've scrubbed myself clean of all the pain and sorrow and regret. Until I've scrubbed every inch of negative memory in me and turned it into good. If I'm not making sense right now, hehe, forgive me. I'll post a sticky to try and make things more clear.

Ingatz sa lahat wee.

Just wanted to post again before I retire to bed for tonight Feeling a bit better now, thanks to everyone. :D

My HS Friends came over for our annual christmas dinner. Twas potluck, we had 2 whole chickens, some pasta and a delicious chocolate mousse cake to be split between the 4 of us. Too bad Cha and Yonna couldn't come, they were all out of town.

They all came with gifts... hehehe.. I was a bit embarassed not to hve gotten them any. I'm kinda saving up my money at the moment, preparing for hard times ahead just in case. Nikka gave a really cool bracelet, just like the one she has. Turns out she makes them and even exports them to the U.S. Cool. Makes me wonder what will happen to all of us after college.. I can now see the different paths that we'll be taking.

Kathy, on the other hand, gave really cool Christmas cards... with really sweet messages inside. I'm really glad that even though Kathy has lots of friends, she still makes time for us, and treasures us just the same. She's really sweet.

I haven't opened Beng's gift yet, but her presence was definitely a "present" enough. hehe. No one can make you feel more at ease than Beng... she never runs out of stories about EVERYONE. Really witty. I think she can make Jessica Zafra run for her money any day. Of course Beng would disagree. hehe. Jessica's her idol.

It was really just a night of fun-filled conversation. We didn't really do anything, didn't even bother to open the TV. We didn't have to. That was the beauty of it all, how simple our gathering turned out to be. There weren't any frills--I wasn't even dressed for the occasion, but it has to be one of the best nights I've had in recent memory. No pretensions, just fun and light conversation. Joking about Fishballs and Squidballs, throwing potshots at each other's schools (I was the oddball... the only one from taft. Kathy and Nikka are from Ateneo, Beng and Yonna from UP. They're all Katipuneros hehehe), teasing each other about their crushes... it was just like highschool, maybe even better.

I hope this tradition continues on... I hope we get to see each other more often, not only during Christmas. I really miss their company... although I do know that whether we see each other or not, we'd still be friends no matter what. Anyway... that's about it.. I'm a bit tired now, and I remembered all the ghost stories we just shared awhile ago. I don't think I can hold up much longer. hehehe! INGATZ!

Btw, here's a picture of me and my friends taken at least 2 years ago

From left to right -- Kathy, Beng, Nikka, Estelle (me), Cha, Yonna This was at prom. I hated our make-up artists. BLEH. Mukha akong matabang porcelain doll.

Cha is currently living in the United States while Yonna's in Bicol for the holidays. :D SPCP HS Batch 2002-2003.

I know I said I'd retire to bed, but I just couldn't resist checking if I had any comments or tags to read. :D People here at Tabulas sure are friendly, coz I received a comment and a tag the last time I checked. I know it's a bit shallow but that really got me going again.. checked out porcelaindoll's site, as well as sandwhichman's. Pretty interesting. Went to Tabulas' main page and checked the newly updated ones as well. Found one that said "moving on"... immediately checked it. Sure enough, it was about someone who just went through a break-up. Perfect. Filipino din. Astig. At last, someone who can probably relate to what I'm going through... what I've been through for the past three months.

Just so you know, my first ever bf just broke up with me 3 months ago, and I'm still having trouble getting over him. I do hope that this journal will help me pull through though.

Anyway, even though I know I'm single right now, I decided to take the Quizilla test about what kind of girlfriend I really am.


-Sensitive- You're Sensitive, and you'd like to
stay that way. Sorry,listened to a bit too much
Jewel there. You're sweet and very emotionally
charged. You definitely love the person you're
with, and always want to know how they're
feeling so you can make sure they're happy.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Shit. My ex just went online. My heart just skipped a beat. ... Dang, it still hurts.

I just hope the pain would go away... I hope I fall in love with someone else who'll love me just the same. I hope, if that's not the case, that at least I won't have feelings for him anymore, coz this sucks!

Dang dang dang dang. I hope he never reads this. But if ever he's reading this right now, I'm sorry. I just really miss you.

i'm paralyzed
dead frozen
shocked
by your
startling presence

i didn't expect this
i wasn't prepared

my defenses come crashing down

i am left naked
exposed
in my own
fragility

ready to be broken
to be torn apart

upon your arrival
i break.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

this isn't happening to me. I can't go back to sentimental mode again... There's nothing to be sentimental about. I feel no anger towards him, just plain and simple longing. I miss him so much, I can't comprehend. Maybe the Quizilla is right. Maybe I'm too sensitive, and I like it that way. But how can I like the pain that comes with it? My chest feels like it's about to explode, blood is rushing towards my brain. I feel like vomiting, I can actually taste the pesto at the back of my throat. Seriously, the emotional mixed with the physical pain, just at the site of his name.

Dang it. Do I really deserve this?

I know there's a reason for everything, and maybe this is a time for me to learn... to learn something valuable.

I hope to God I can just text Jon about this. But I wouldn't want to compromise whatever progress we've made.. He did say we'd be best friends, but there's still a part of me that wishes there could be something more. But I dont think it's right, and it's possible, if at the moment I still feel like this whenever I see Chino's name.

I just want to move on. Lord God, please help me... I know he's better off with her, and in some ways I'm better off without him... but i just miss him so much I wish I could tell him, I wish I could talk to him.. but that might end up doing more harm than good.

Maybe I should. Maybe I should try. SHIT. THIS HURTS SO MUCH!!!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

walang makapitan

walang masabihan

nagsusumabog na ang dibdib
sa maliit na kababawang
ikaw.

++++

lisanin sana
ang aking pag-iisip

bigyan sana
ng panandaliang
ginhawa

ang puso kong gipit
(punit)

lintik!

pestengyawang
pag-ibig
na di binabalik.

I'm officially broken-hearted, for the umpteenth time. Over the same guy, again and again and again.

Here I am, 3 months from the break-up, still crying. I opened the gates. I talked to him. I broke my "after december" or "wait till he texts" rule. Now I just feel like a pathetic, rejected loser. I messaged him, he messaged back... I was holding back emotion, he obviously just felt pity. He loves someone else, he loves someone else, he loves someone else... maybe repeating it repeatedly (redundancy for the hopeless) will make me accept it. Will make the words lose their meaning... Will make the pain go away.

I don't want to be numb. I don't want to be bitter about love. I like the way I love... or "loved", since there's only been one.. yet I love him still.

I like being sensitive, emotional... when channeled towards the positive. I like giving cards and notes and surprises and simple tokens of appreciation. I like my loved one to be happy, and that's why I don't hate him or despise him... coz he IS happy, he's just happy with someone else.

It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts. It hurts that I haven't been able to accomplish in 3 months what he had done in less than a week: to move on to a new relationship. GRARRRRR.

Am I that unlovable? Am I that easily replaceable? Was I really THAT bad?

Damn.

Read the journal of his new girl. I knew I shouldn't have. It's none of my business... and it's not her fault. Falling in love is a mutual thing. If he fell in love with her, and she fell in love with him, I have no reason to be mad at her... she didnt coerce him into it. It was voluntary. It just means his love for me wasn't real.

Just observed a few stuff though. She was looking for love at that time. She found it at the same time I lost mine. Tug of war.. The one being tugged voluntarily relinquished himself to the other sad. Estelle is the sad, pathetic loser.

I wish my HS friends could come back and comfort me through this.

I wish my mom knew, although I know she'd be mad. I wish she could tell me just how worthless this petty problem is... how it'd all blow over.. but she has lots of other problems on her mind. I shouldn't worry her.

I wish I could tell santaclaus all this, and maybe I should... but it might make him question whether I really like him. Might push him away when he's my only hope for salvation, he's the only guy since blogboy that I really liked. But like is so much different from love. I can fall for him in the future, but at the moment, it's just "like". I'm still in love with blogboy, however embarassing that is to admit.

Dang, everything's so confusing.

At least the fact that I got some comments and tags cheers me up. Thanks to those who added me as a friend.. It means a lot to me.. simple joys to counterbalance this one great sorrow, this one huge pain the ass.

It's time to stop crying, and time to start moving on.

Tell me how.

I just figured out how to put in the usericon Thanks so much to Medea and xin! :D

Feeling a whole lot better... It is December 24th after all, time to be happy :D Can't believe I'm still writing blogs though... totally fell in-love with Tabulas. Have to notify my easyjournal readers that I've transferred homes. :D Want to make this as personal as easyjournal though, so I'll try to remove real-life-names and replace them with codenames. I just realized how largely small the world is. People can find my blog in no time... and that's kind of dangerous.

Will be fixing my gallery later.. Feeling a bit lazy to do it now.

Chatting with a "kuya" of mine on YM right now. We're talking about how guys instantly get tagged as "bestfriends" when they're trying to get close to a girl. Immediately made me think of all the guys I'd liked in the past, or guys who were trying to get close to me. One of them actually said I love you way back when I was 14. Totally head over heels for him... Told him "I Love You" back... only may kadugtong na "Kuya". Hahaha. That was the last time we talked ever on the phone. It took me two years to finally see him again, walking in Katipunan with his girlfriend. Rar. hehehe.

Anyway, talking about the difference between guys and girls now. How, when in a relationship, guys usually think about sex and girls usually just enjoy the emotions that come with being in love. He said it was a statistical fact. I can't believe I'm having this conversation with a "Kuya" (a different one, btw). Known him ever since I was 11 and he was still 17... talked about siopao and linux and junk-y stuff then.. now we're talking about relationships?? My golly golly gosh. We're really getting old.

It kinda showed through our conversation that I'm not really confident with my looks. I've never seen myself as super pretty. Definitely not as pretty as my cousin or my kabarkadas... not sexy as well. If there are any guys who happen to notice me and eventually like me, it's because of my personality... and I accept that already. The glasses, the zits, the weird sense of style I have make me "unmarketable" other than a close friend or a little (big) sis. hehehe Pero "kuya" contested this, saying that I was pretty.. just in an unconventional style. Never expected that from him. Got some pretty nasty shocks from him before regarding my looks. Guess I should take his compliment (or white lie) more seriously though, coz he is a bit frank.

I'm actually enjoying this conversation with him. Let's call him Siopao. hehehe. Maybe I should come up with a character list like Dreary... I really can't post real names here, they might run after me with sticks.

I'll edit this post later with updates. I really am enjoying Siopao's company.

"As I Mature
I've learned that you cannot make someone love
you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they
panic and give in. "

Protector


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla

just tried it out. Description DOES sound a bit like me. Will try more quizzes in awhile.

Love browsing through different sites here at Tabulas.. such variety. People are a curious sort, read lots of interesting stuff today.

Christmas-time and I feel lazy.

Merry Christmas guys... :D Only 3 minutes to go based on my watch, and I'm not budging an inch from this computer. I already had too much to eat, and almost all my gifts have been opened... All that can wait. hehehe. Tomorrow might be a busy day for us, so I'd better blog everything that I can, might not have the time tomorrow :D

Before anything else though, I'd just like to thank my fellow lasallians who responded to my sticky. I know both of you are right, in all respects. I guess I'll just have to wait it out. Time will heal everything.... problem is, patience isn't really one of my best virtues. Waheheh!

Ne-way, was just called upstairs to open my gifts, or what was left of them. Me being a bit low on EQ (in some respects, hehehe), I had already opened mine a few hours ago, so I just had one more gift to open. Nothing exciting there. hehehe! Here are some of the gifts I got:

- money
- hand-made bracelet. GORGEOUS. porcelain.
- bronze dangling earrings, will go well with my ethnic clothes! hehe.
- ruby bracelet from Cambodia, my lola's gift. Simple & yet Classy. :D
- Brainteasers game, love it totally! Cant wait to play with it. :D
- pink & purple kikay kit, really cute!
- really old re-mastered picture of me and my cousins when we were kids. Brainteasers, pink & purple kikay kit, plus this pic actually came from one & the same person. This is my favorite, of all the gifts. This is priceless. Thanks An.. loveya! *HUGZ* You always surprise me with your gifts. Personalized tlga at pinag-hirapan. Thanks thanks thanks :D I looked like a doofus when I was a kid... a cute one. Hehehe. Sana forever young na lang ako. Para no zits. Hehe.
- porcelain figurine :D
- shirt with print of baby with piercings.

can't remember the other gifts, so I just won't list them down na lang. Hehe.. don't really wanna think too much tonight, feeling lazy (as usual). Didn't get that many gifts, but then it doesn't really matter... I hardly gave any this year, just gave presents to my relatives actually. Kinda made me embarassed when I received gifts from some friends.. hehe.. nginitian ko na lang sila at hinug. wahehehe!

was planning to make a gift though. :D Made one for Santa claus. He just loves writing with pencil k'se, the generic black jumbo ones. I thought it would be nice to personalize one. Shaved the pencil of its black outer-covering and then engraved his name into it. Put his favorite quote on it as well, then I'll be adding finishing touches with nailpolish and varnish. I'm a bit shy to give it to him though, pero I will, in due time. Hehehe. I didn't slave over that for nothing. :D

It was funny while I was making it.. heheh. We were at Robinsons Place Galleria, and I was intent on making a personalized pencil for him. While my friends were window-shopping for clothes and random gifts, I was window-shopping for possible tools. hehe. I bought a jumbo pencil and cutter from BOOKSALE and sandpaper from HANDYMAN. hehehe. While my friends were sipping overpriced coffee and telling each others fortunes, I was busy shaving the black jumbo pencil with my cutter, and engraving his name on it.. Labor of looove? hehehe. Nah, just labor of like. hehehe.

I think one of the reasons why I like him is because I just want to fall in love again, with anyone. Pero, this isn't 100% true din naman 'coz there's this guy who's adamant that he likes me, di ko naman din pinursue. It's really just a bit confusing... my poem, written last May, describes it all:

"i can't stop thinking
long enough to feel."

That's the whole poem. Wrote that when I was contemplating on whether I really did like Blogboy or not. You just keep on thinking and thinking whether or not you really like the guy, searching for evidence/proof of your real emotions, that you forget to feel. You're numbed by all the doubting. Well anyway, maybe now's not the time to be thinking about that. It is Christmas after all. hehehe. Que Sera Sera, Whatever will be, will be... The future's not ours to see... Que Sera, Sera.. -- never knew there was so much wisdom in that song. Hehehehe. How true, how true.

I'm happy I came across Mico's blog awhile ago. :D Reminded me of the true spirit and meaning of Christmas. It's a celebration of life, people.. the celebration of the birth of Christ! It's not just about merry-making and gift-giving, and stuffing your face with delicious food... NOOOOOOO. Christmas is a thanksgiving for the greatest gift God has ever given to us. I've never been the totally religious type, but I don't really like being this apathetic either. I just realized that one of the reasons I've become bored with Christmas, is that it has lost all its meaning for me. Before, if the gifts and the food are crap, then Christmas would then be crap as well... pero I figured, after reading Mico's blog and after receiving Jon's text... it's really not about that.

I'm glad I dragged myself to mass awhile ago. I'm glad my mom and I took the time to check out our neighbors' Christmas decors. I'm glad I really thought of what gifts to give to my cousins, gifts that would make them happy. I'm glad that through hugs and lively conversations shared over delicious food, I was able to let my relatives know how much I appreciate and love them. I'm glad that by the outpouring of text greetings, I found out that I was remembered. I'm glad that I took some time to contemplate on life, and found joy in its simplicity, simply by gazing at the stars (which, I have to share, was just beautiful. Clear velvet sky glittered with bright stars... my friend told me it was orion's belt. I'm not quite sure about that but it was poetic. :D) .... to sum it up.. I'm thankful, I'm glad and I'm truly happy. Today was a wonderful day. .. Maybe I'm not so apathetic after all.

Thanks to everyone who makes my life extra beautiful. :D Thanks for the One who simply made life what it is---BETCHABYGOLLYWOWWW, HOW SPLENDID! hehe. MERRRRY XMAS!

Watching Legally Blonde passively while writing this blog. Sorry to the fans of the film, but I think it's just so airhead-y. Hehe. Which adds to its initial charm, I guess, but after watching it repeatedly on Star Movies, it gets a bit annoying. Especially the bend-and-snap routine. It DOES NOT look attractive... guys, your take on this? hehe.

Conversing with a friend on YM at the moment. He was my heart-broken buddy. Our beloveds broke it off with us during the same weekend, and right after I chased my then-bf all the way to Cavite (armed with propaganda: painting, poems, the works hahaha), I went to his place to celebrate our co-depression. Hehe. We ended up just playing Who wants to be a millionaire in his pc. That was a bit fun. :D

Anyway, we've just finished catching up on how well both of us are coping. He's dating, I'm not... well, not technically. hehe. I wonder when exactly can you call something a date? When he asks you out? But, what if it's perfectly normal for the guy to do so, being in the same circle of friends and all? hehe. Haaay. I'm still really boggled with all of these stuff. hehehe. :D rararar.

Legally Blonde just finished. Thank God. I was kinda getting irritated with Reese's uberkikay voice. It's sugarysweet and barbie-pink. hehehe. not that I have anything against pink, i actually kinda like it.

Finished Alice Sebold's LUCKY already. Went back to Amy Tan's "The Opposite of Fate". I'm falling in love again... with books (and TaBULAS). hehe. Just can't seem to put them down. I love Amy Tan. Her thoughts are the same as mine, just worded more eloquently.

I was supposed to quote some of her lines here, but since I didn't hi-light the book (my mom and some others thinks it's not nice to do so), I couldn't find the lines I found striking... and I didn't have the patience to flip through all those pages just to find them. The basic thing that Amy Tan and I have in common though, is our fascination with Fate and Faith, Chance and Choice... Musings on Life, in general. I'll talk more about this later, probably add a page on my content page dedicated to how I view life... or something :D

Today was an average day. Went to Bulacan for a family lunch, a bit saddened that not everyone was present, but nonetheless had a great time. We were served with crab and talaba, among others, but being a 100% bulakenya, i fixated on the seafood. The Talaba tasted a bit nasty at first though... kinda like that sea-urchin sushi. hehehe. but it's okay, downed it anyway. Highlight of the day was walking to Barasoain church and praying with my cousins. It was dead silent when we got in, very peaceful. Too bad children outside thought it would be fun to light some watu-sis. Made me very jumpy. RAR.

Anyway, back to the praying. I really feel holy when I enter Barasoain. It's now one of my favorite churches...the high ceilings, the checkered black and white floors... ang ganda. I prayed for a long time... made me feel refreshed afterwards. A friend of mine said that the reason why praying feels good is because it's a form of self-talking, a form of meditation. Therapy, just like this blog. Maybe, maybe not. Who knows? All i know is that it made me feel good

While walking back, we stopped by to buy dirty icecream.. I'd pick dirty icecream over haagendazs anyday. Lalo na kung nasa tinapay. Good ol' fashioned pinoy food. hehe. Treated our cousins from switzerland and l.a. to that very same dirty ice-cream, but we had a verbal contract beforehand that they won't blame us for any tummy-aches. P50 for all 10 of us. Good deal.

The ride home was especially long. Traffic. My head hurt most of the way, but mind over matter, I managed to get some sleep. Made me wonder why, if you can convince yourself to make your headache go away, you can't convince yourself to make love do the same Pero it's okay, i'm feeling much better. Texted blogboy merry xmas awhile ago, no reply. Either he has no credits or he just doesn't feel like talking. No matter. I'll find someone else. It's just a matter of time.

Got home. Received a fone call and had my first telebabad in weeks (or probably months). Twas from Jay, this guy I met from a gig a few months back. He was the organizer, I was the manager. Told him to keep in touch, and he kept his promise. Glad to learn that he has, since then, graduated and is now working at a call center. His anime-racket is taking off, he's pretty much happier than he was when I first met him (uhm, he was stressed. 20 bands in a span of 5 or 6 hours.. That's gotta be HARD). I'm glad he hasn't forgotten me yet.

Now sitting in front of the computer, thinking of what else to write. I don't want to stop writing... hehehe. It's my escape from boredom, my compromise between laziness and extreme action. At least here, my mind is working, my fingers are getting exercised. Thoughts and ideas just keep on coming out... some can be re-used for more productive purposes in the future. La lang.. I just don't want to go to sleep yet. Or waste away in front of the TV watching reruns of annoying films.

Maybe I should just go back to reading Amy Tan.

I'll explore my options a bit. Be back later.

Ended up talking to Kuya Pao on the phone and later on answering quizilla tests. Kuya Pao saw my earlier blog wherein I noted that I was "freaked" out that we were talking about guys and their attitude towards sex. No need to hide him under the codename "siopao" now. hehehe. Was nice to talk to him again.

I'm a bit hungry. Mom just came home, starbucks was closed so no hot-chocolate for me. Chatting with Kax on YM. Kax, my wall, my salvation, my #1 idol and #1 fan as well.. (wahaha. libel libel, di totoo!) waiting for food to seek me out :D


You represent... naivete.
So innocent and trusting... you can be very shy at
times, but it's only because you're not sure
how to act. You give off that "I need to
be protected vibe." Remember that not all
people are good. Being too trusting will get
you easily hurt.


What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

-- I admit that I am secretly shy, and most of the time it IS because I don't know how to act... but I don't like being called naive. plus I don't like the picture. I'm not sugarysweet. hehehe.


A GARAGE-GURL. Youre into loud music, hot guys and
wild fashions. Youre most at ease when you've
got all your mates around you and you like to
party. Boys are a game and youre always on the
ball because you make sure youre always number
one.
Your virtues: Confidence, fun nature, sociability.
Your flaws: Loudness, jealous tendency, need for
attention..

What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

-- I just can't accept the fact that I'm a flirt. hehe. I don't know how to do that, honestly... and if ever I DID flirt, I think i'd look funny doing it. I'm just the buddy-buddy girl type.

I'm not really comfy in parties, especially if it's one of those open ones where everyone drinks. I don't drink, don't smoke, so if ever I'm in a party, I'd like to make sure there are some people I can have stimulating conversations with. As for hot guys, I like looking at them... but yeah, if they're no-brainers, I'm not really that much into them. hehehe. Loud music... some types. I like dreamy music now.
I do like skirts though... funky ones! I'll post some clothes I like in my gallery once I'm done with this (or when i'm feeling extra industrious).


narcissistic


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

-- I hope this isn't true... but if it is, then I accept it. I don't have high standards for my friends though, just that they be loyal and someone I can have a decent conversation with.. pero.. other than that? la naman. I do agree I like attention sometimes... but not all the time. Darnit. Hehehe.

Will browse around other people's blogs for awhile.. Other people's lives are interesting Kinda like books. hehehe. Interactive ones

Blogboy's online. Felt something tugging at my heartstrings, still feel it, but that's about it. No more tears! Didn't even have to restrain myself from messaging him. Just have no energy to. Joked with Kax nga, I'm too hungry to cry over him. Still have no food. hehe.

Am I recovering? I HOPE SO!!

He ym-ed me. Just said it point-blank: merry xmas. No smileys, no punctuation marks.. a bit cold, but whatever. Replied the way I usually would. With a smiley, with punctuations. Hehehe. Kinda makes me happy doing so, kinda makes me feel as if I was the one moving on instead of him (although he has moved on, dangit). Feel ko lang k'se, and please don't burst my bubble, that he still feels pangs of guilt about hurting me, and rightfully so. Pero we can't do anything about it. By acknowledging his guilt with a smile, i'm taking small baby steps. Sana pretty soon I can talk to him without pain, talk to him as comfortably as yesterday. I hope we can rebuild the friendship we've lost. I miss him and miss him dearly, not just as a previous boyfriend but as one of my bestfriends ever.

Anyway, happy happy joy joy. Kax say I update my blog too often, or something to that effect. hehe. This is my therapy. Welcome to my haven, my silent sanctuary. Wahee! HAHAHAHA. recovering from this would be fun. :D I hope I don't regress though! YIPPEE!

Currently hosting a get-together party for my cousins... while blogging at Tabulas. I think I'm one of the worst hosts ever (... at least for tonight. hehe). I didn't expect that I'd be having one of my blah-moods today... I'm trying to be all fun and cheery as I usually am, but somehow it just comes out forced.

To my cousins, I really am sorry. I know some of you will be able to read this blog later, like Ate dane and An... and most probably you guys are wondering about my weird, detached mood right now. I can't explain it and I can't change it. I'm trying, but it just doesn't want to go away.

Woke up today with a good outlook. I am going to move on and improve my life; I'll make the choices necessary to get the results I want. I cleared up my drawers, re-organized my stuff... planned out what I wanted to do and what I needed to do. I separated my stash of debate matter, determined to read through them and hi-light them and digest them. I put aside my art materials, determined to get some work done. I put on Billy Blanks' TaeBo cd, ready to shed some weight. Took a stopwatch and timed how long I took to shower and get dressed, determined to go below an hour.

Then I went into a funk. I guess I'm just this moody sometimes. Was going online when my cousins came. I was a bit startled. It's not that it bothered me that they were there... in fact I love their company. I guess it was just that I was caught unprepared. I was wearing shabby clothes, had disheveled hair (although I was finished taking a bath by then)... no food was there to serve. Softdrinks weren't enough for all of us. There wasn't anything to do but take turns using the computer. I guess I just felt pressured at that time to provide entertainment for all of them. Punch was playing with my wrecked guitar, Ana looking for a book to read, Faith browsing the net while Ate dane read her book. I just felt as if they were all bored, and it was up to me to come up with something to do. Eh, I wasn't prepared... I DIDNT know what to do, and that was the problem. I couldn't order food yet because more cousins would be coming, and then the food wouldn't be warm when they get there. All our vcds were crappy--either I've already seen them or they're really not worth seeing at all. We didn't have computer games, nor playstation to play with. I'm an only child and I'm not into that. My electric guitar can't be plugged in because all my cables are ka-poof, wrecked, gone. There simply wasn't anything to do, hell, I was even bored myself... kaya I think the pressure got to me, and I had to stray away for awhile to pour out my thoughts and feelings into this journal.

I needed to get away coz I was putting the blame elsewhere. I had to find out what was bothering me. I've been snapping at our maids in front of my cousins, mainly coz of the tension. We tried watching spirit warriors and it was a crappy pirated cd. Everyone got bored. Now they're watching clueless, probably eating the tons of food we ordered. I'm down here lang, trying to make the tension and the stress go away. I'd be a better Estelle, a better host, if I could just take this pressure off my shoulders.

**breatheeee**. No one's expecting anyway, we're family. This isn't a P.R. stint. Just be yourself. Rararar.

It's just hard. Nagiinit ang anit ko. I think I'm getting high-blood from all of the oily food we've eaten.

They're waiting for me. I'm such a bad host. BYE!

... You might be wondernig what I'm giddy about.

hehehe. It's not over a guy or anything... It's about being back here at TABULAS! haha! I'm such a blog-dork.

Can you imagine, I've actually been restless the past few days simply because I couldn't connect?! I thought PLDT Vibe was just down, but turns out we weren't on an unlimited connection anymore and I used up our quota for December, so I'd have to wait for January 1 before I could actually go online again. Well, obviously, I couldn't, so I asked our maid to buy me a FUEL pre-paid card just so I can check my blog again.

Annoyingly, Fuel seemed to have a conspiracy with PLDT and my parents, because it took 20 connection tries just for me to get online. I even had to call their trunkline for help! Oh well, no use complaining now, I AM connected after all.

Had a really long chat with Dianne just now. I'm really not used to long telephone conversations anymore, precisely because most of the time I'm not home... but yeah, it was nice. We were just catching up on how our vacation has been so far, and it turns out that we're not that much different (albeit mine had my lolo's wake and funeral in it)-- a bit uneventful to say the least.

Someone left me a message in my tagboard asking how my Christmas has been so far, and I'd like to thank that person for asking It's been quite well, considering that my lolo has just passed away. My cousin Faith is right. Probably the reason why I'm not feeling so distraught over it is because I'm still in denial. It still feels as if he's just on a long trip to the U.S. or something. It still is hard for me to accept that I won't be seeing him again any time soon. His memory is still fresh, and because of it, I haven't fully accepted the reality of his death.

Been spending a lot of time either with my cousins or alone at home. Just doing lazy stuff. Been playing a lot of monopoly recently, ever since my cousin bought the gameboard. I bought a PC game copy myself... for practice. hehe. In fact, I played Monopoly for most of today... I can still hear the game's theme song music in my head. hehehe! "Come on let's play monopoly.. dararara".. Hehehe.

My biggest net worth was estimated at $33,389. Not bad, eh? hehehe! I can only hope that I'd have that much money when I get out of college.

Been thinking a lot recently. In fact, thought of a new business venture. It's not really new, been dreaming about it ever since I was 1st year HighSchool, way back when I was still spending my vacations in Cambridge, Massachussetts. There's this small shopping complex there called THE GARAGE, and it housed some really cool alternative-chic stuff. Everything from CDs to beanie babies (i have quite a collection of this here)... it inspired me. I wanted to have a store with THAT name. The Garage. Simple and yet grunge-y. hehe. wee.

Anyway, realistically, I don't have the start-up money for a shopping complex. I don't have suppliers for CDs or beanie babies, and I don't even think they'd sell. So what I'm going to do, is have a garage sale... entitled THE GARAGE. hehehe. And then I'll just see if it does good this first time, and then maybe I can make it into a monthly thing. The money I get will be used to fund my new ukay-ukay craze (I spent P740 just the other day at an ukay-ukay shop. I just had to buy some of the skirts even if I knew they wouldn't fit. They were just so unique and zaney that I thought it would be a waste if they'd just go to a bin somewhere). Already cleaned out my closet, lined up all the dresses and clothes I'm selling, and worked out the prices already. I already have P140 in sales, and some are even on reserve already. Still working out when I'm going to sell to the public though. Oh wellllll. I hope this pushes through... and I hope I make money out of it! Teehee! hehe

I've had an outline of what I already wanted to say here at my blog.. had some of it written down on my handy-dandy little notebook (I just love writing down my thoughts. If not online, then wherever!), but I feel like posting them right now isn't really a good idea. It would come out forced...planned, not spontaneous, not "in the moment". I want my blog to be a reflection of my feelings while I'm writing as much as possible. That way... it's much more honest.

Will post an old poem here though. It was for one of my crushes way back. Hope you like it I want to make new ones, but I'll have to edit them. Will check my poetry-mailing list later. hehe. I'm not that much of a poet though. :D

You plomp
down
next to me
both of us
seated comfortably
our butts
making imprints
on the loveseat

Are we in love?
(I am... with you)

You don't
see me
looking
at you
through the
corner of
my eyes

I'm so sneaky
(You're so handsome)

You touch me
ever so slightly
A tap. It
doesn't matter.
A touch
is a touch
is a touch.
Devoid of
meaning, but
one can dream.

Are we in love?
(I am...with you)

You stand up
You leave the love-
seat, and your
imprint, on my
hopeless heart.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Just remembering the old days. Talking with Dianne has left me feeling nostalgic. When you'd just get giddy over simple stuff, just like the poem I wrote here.

It really did happen. We were talking--him and I, along with a bunch of our friends. I sat down on this battered loveseat (my heels were hurting me), and he sat down next to me. Perfectly normal, right? We are friends, and a loveseat is just a romantic way of saying "a sofa that fits only 2 people". We both just happened to sit down. The only difference is, the moment lingered in my mind... and it didn't even enter his. To him we were just two people sharing a seat. For me, it was the same as him entering my heart. Nyakkk. Of course, when you're young and naive, the little stuff matter. When you're young and jaded (i dont even know what that word means)... or when you're young and bitter, small things just aren't enough. You need tangible evidences-- text messages, calls, visits, EFFORT. Hehehe. Or maybe that's just me. :D

Anyway, will check out my friends' blogs now. Thanks to everyone who tagged and hugged me HERE's 1000023412348593 HUGS FOR YOU ALL!!! ***hugz*** hehehe!

Will try to post again later byeee!

Got this from Mico's Site. Hehehe. I just love FINDING NEMO. Funny flick, unconventional, like me!



What Finding Nemo Character are You?
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Do you agree? Hehehe. (tag me!) Take the quiz yourself! The graphics are cute! :D I just love nemo-nemo-nemo!

Went to my easyjournal site... That's where all my 2003 (and some 2002) entries are...

Reading my first entry for 2003, entitled "The crunch of time and money"... just realized that I haven't been able to cure myself of time and money mismanagement for the whole year of 2003. *tsk-tsk*. My most amazing feat when it came to money management was saving up for my P28,000 Epiphone Les Paul guitar, but that was way back in 2002. Man, I need to get back in shape again.

Just realized what a big transition 2003 has been for me... or how each year makes me even more different than before. At the beginning of the year, I was out doing my own stuff. I was partying with friends, busy with my band, with managing bands... how'd it all dwindle down to this? I'm lazy now, preferring the solitude of my PC room than the jampacked (or depressingly empty) music bars I'd go to for gigs. From being a solid, enthusiastic debater during early september (who, as much as possible, hated missing night trainings) to an intellectually and physically inactive bum. From a DL to a classcutter, from a size ** to a size ** (gahaha, i'm not about to tell you my waistline dudesss hehehe)... asdkfjghdksla;! I'm going downhill.

Maybe this is my transition. To something better.

I remember First year Highschool... my worst year ever. It was my first time to flunk a subject, a 72 in Honors Science (4th quarter lang naman). I just felt SOOO out of place in the honors section. First of all, I HATED science... and 2nd of all, I didn't have anyone to talk to in class---everyone was busy listening or taking down notes. In all my other classes, I felt a little off as well. I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere, so I started looking for somewhere else to belong. I found it in a group of people: Bands & Music lovers. Pushed myself to become like them... I just really needed a "niche", y'know? One time, I was given a cigarette. Everyone was smoking. I'm scared of lighters going near my face, so I refused them when they offered me a light. I lit my cigarette through the decorative candle on the middle of the table. I felt stupid immediately, because of the reactions I got from this. RARRRR. Those, along with other stunts I pulled just to get acceptance, concluded 1999-2001 as the year when I felt SO LOST.

However, I towered above the experience. The beginning of 2nd year was one of the best. First and 2nd quarter: no tardies, no absences. I scored the highest in the Asian History exam, topping the honor students I didn't fit in well with. Got an Academic award for 1st quarter, deportment award for 2nd... and from being a Wiccan in 1st year, I became our classroom's Spiritual Chairman.

You (whoever you are) might think I'm bragging... but I don't care. They're not really stuff to brag about, I HAVE had my taste of bad experiences mixed in with the good. I just need to tell myself of the past so I can be reassured of a positive future. I just have to know that I'm not totally lost this time... that I can make it.

So, what are the things I want to change about myself for year 2004?

1. I want to be more focused. Right now, I'm dabbling with A LOT of stuff, and while it makes me happy... sometimes it just leaves a bunch of people hanging on the air. For example, right now my cousin wants us to write a book for my Grandfather, a collection of memoirs or something. We still haven't brainstormed. I'm still thinking of how I can possibly uplift Splitcide's status in the bandscene... I can't even find gigs yet, so I have to get my butt moving. Debating, I have tons of matter to read, and cases that I have to build. I also want to work on my poetry, get a little bit more structure and possibly have better work to show for the FRUSTRATED event this coming summer (matutuloy naman 'to diba kax?). Want to work on that THE GARAGE business too.. but I don't know exactly how I'll get all of this done if I don't know how to...
2. MANAGE MY TIME. Lots of people complain to me about this, that I'm always late, etc... I'm not just late for school, mind you.. I'm late for family lunches, for masses, even for my lolo's wake. I take such a long time in the bathroom (body wash, shampoo, conditioner, la-dee-dah.. and of course, with my favorite CD in the background. Plus I have to pick clothes pa, and I just LOOOOOVE coming up with weird ensembles. hehehe! But that kinda takes time
3. Be Punctual... it's kinda tied in to #2.
4. Manage my MONEY! I'm a bit of a gastadora. I just spend and spend and spend. Not all the time though, but usually :x My friends and I k'se, we love eating a lot, and that's where the bulk of my money goes to (taft food is very expensive). Plus, if I go home past nine, I have to give the driver dinner-money and transpo-money, kinda eats into my allowance. hehehe. and I usually stay in school up to 9 or 10 for our nightly trainings. I just can't miss training much... it's where I got my strength from after the break-up. Just being surrounded by all those smart, intellectual and witty people takes my mind off matters of the heart. Plus, there are some cute guys in the Debate society. Hahaha! Joke! *SHH fatkatz!*
5. Be consistent. Hmm. I usually change for the better during the beginning of the year, but deteriorate slowly as the year progresses. I just have to work on my consistency.

Thereeee!

Hi-lights/Low-lights of the year:

1. My grandfather passing away. We all loved him dearly, and love him still. He passed away last Dec. 14, peacefully Thank God. Although it is sad for us, for the family that he has left behind, I'm happy for him. He died a hero, serving his country to his last breath. He died still smoking a cigarette, never missing the things he loved best: smoke, coke (as in coca-cola ha. hehehe. bawal din sya dito e!), coffee and work... He lived his life to the fullest, and for that, I'm very, very thankful.

2. DEBATE STUFF!!!!!

- Teambuilding was superb. First time I ever went out of town with a bunch of friends. Had debates 'till the wee hours of the morning (and our adjudicators were already dozing off), but what the hell. It was fun to debate in open air, it was fun to feel a bit informal... debating in pambahay and what-have-you.

- First Nationals...broke as an Octofinalist! Definitely memorable. All those times we rode tricycles... first time I've ridden in one in years... Meeting all those debaters from different parts of the Philippines. Getting to debate with the likes of UP Law and UPM (who had their own Double007 shirts)... fun, fun, really fun.

- First Asians...held in Johore Bahru, Malaysia! Whoaaa. First time I ever got sent as a representative of my school OUTSIDE the country. Johore was a pretty place, a little goody-goody (it was considered a province... but such an urban one at that!) but whatever. Loved crossing over to Singapore and going shopping at Bugis. Found my cheap ethnic-wear there. Got two foreign friendsters there as well, and got to debate with Malaysians about Malaysia. Hehe. Talk about unfair, but that's okay. We lost, by the way. hehe!

- Funny semifinal round at APSOP debate. I'm semi-proud that we got into the semifinals, especially since it will look good on my resume, but I still didn't feel like we belonged there. We were debating on the "Military being guarded from politics", and we were the government team. We defined it as Incumbent High-ranking Military Officials should not be allowed to file for candidacy unless they relinquish their position (resign) right before doing so. Turned out it was truistic, with civil supremacy over the military included as a clause in our constitution. To unprove its truism, we cited Angelo Reyes as an example (coz I have his campaign pin)... who turned out to be already RETIRED. One of my partners, then, panicked and kept mentioning Panfilo Lacson. Talk about an exasperated UPM team dealing with a bunch of debate neophytes. Hehehe. Even I was hiding a smirk on-stage. I just couldn't believe our big, big mistake. Hehehe. Well, they moved on to the finals and rightfully so. We, however, got our semifinalist medals along with lessons on how NOT to pursue a debate. ahihihi.

3. Band Management
- I quit doing events management because of the stress and time and effort and money it takes to put up a production. KAFE also closed, so I had to look for a different venue. I tried FREEDOM BAR, but I spent 8,000 all in all and basically just turned it into a post-bday blowout for Splitcide and friends. Kinda made me reluctant to risk another production.. at least for 2003.

- Lost some of the bands I'm managing, and perhaps rightfully so. I have too much already on my hands. Jeepney Joyride found a better manager in the person of Erl Orenza, and i'm very proud that they'l be playing at Dish back to back with Southborder for all the Saturdays of January. Try and catch them. For Weedisneys, they've already been featured in Pulp and has performed already for the ADMITone anniversary... all without my help. I have no doubt that they can do it on their own, they're such talented people and I'm glad to just be in the sidelines, watching and hooting like a regular fan. Tribbiani... bumped into them while I was strolling in Glorietta. They introduced me still as their manager, their manager that was supposedly M.I.A. I think it's just courtesy for them to call me as their manager, although it's really Red who's the boss. As for Silent Sanc, my brief stint as their "manager" doesn't really count. i'm happy with how they're doing now though... apparently they're "tight" with Weedisneys, something I didn't think was possible way back when I was still helping both of them (they have run-ins with schedules and lineups). Splitcide... well, I intend to stick with this one, at least until they still want me. I really believe in their potential... if only I can approach the right people and make them believe in the band as well. Strategy, strategy, strategy. Oh well.

Summitstar (my band) is indefinitely uhm... nowhere. Our bassist left us, and we simply just can't go on without him. We're still playing our old songs though, Jonah (our lead guitarist) is making acoustic versions of our songs. Renee, our violinist, and Debbie, our drummer are having problems with their schedules though.. Busy,busy,busy.. so I guess we'll just have to put everything on hold.

4. Lovelife - Blah. hahaha. Kaya ko hinuli coz I really have nothing to say about this. hehehehe. I think I should just make it into two words. I don't have a lovelife, but I do LOVE LIFE. That's enough to make me happy.

I think this entry is too long now. Ill go browse at other's blogs for awhile and maybe check-up on my mom in a bit. She's sick, can't get out of bed. I actually feel guilty for having left her upstairs, but I just don't know how I can help ease her pain. I can hold her hand and stuff, but... it's just hard knowing that there really is nothing else you can do. Hope she can make it to the new year paputukan later though. If not, that's okay. No biggie. I'd rather spend New year inside the house anyway I need to protect my ears. hehehe. I've got more music to listen to

I LOVE LIFEEEEEE AND THE WAY I LIVE IT! I LOVE THE OPPORTUNITIES AND REALIZATIONS THAT THIS NEW YEAR HAS BROUGHT AND WILL BRING!!!!!!!!! WEEEE! I love me.